A lonely weekend

The past weekend had lots of time for reflection. And I realized that a horrible time would be ahead. Again the same story, as I had it already so many times. I in love, trying to win the woman. Again the heart pumping, the excitement, the insecurity, the fear of doing things wrong, the failed tries. I do not even have to go through this story to see how it would end: in utter despair. I see very clearly the next weeks / months / years in front of me, and I know that I am doomed. I am in love again, without any real hope. Just left alone with my feelings. I feel quite helpless. How can I just get rid of these feelings? Do I want now a relationship? Do I need this now? I have a lot of work to do, get established after my moving.

No email reply from her over the whole weekend. Well, maybe she does not read her work emails at home. I do not have her personal email address. So I start searching the web for her name. I find her home page, her CV, and a few pictures of her with friends. There is one guy who is on several pictures with her, they are hugging. Must be her boyfriend. But the pictures are one year old – are they still together? There was no ring on her finger…

Her personal web page is not very elaborate, but is made with a sense for beauty. She has a few pictures of herself, gesturing, romantically embracing the world. Beautiful. And on each of the pictures, a different facet of her is seen: the professional woman, the romantic country girl, the innocent beauty, the party-girl with some sparkling thoughts. I am just taken by her. And knowing how she looks and behaves and speaks in real life, adds of course to the pictures a real dimension. I really want to be with her. I also find out that she is significantly younger than me. Suddenly I feel quite old, a notion that I never had before.

Thinking of my situation, I get more and more upset. I do have strong feelings for her, but I do not know her at all. I probably am again projecting my inner dream picture onto her, and take it for reality instead of the real person. I hardly met her! But the feelings are there, I cannot change that but I have to live with it for a while. I am quite upset about myself – this situation is of no use, and it will bother me in my regular life. I either have the choice of pursuing her and getting rejected, or just give up right now. And in both ways, I will still long for her and suffer this typical love-in-vain syndrome, like the last 5 years, and many years before that too. I know the routine already. That makes it so bad. That makes me wanting to give up right away.

A weekend in sad reflection. Waiting for her reply, which either will never come, or on Monday. I hop in the car and drive around on Saturday, to explore a bit the surroundings of the town.