And now she is married again...

One year after her marriage, I got an email from her, in which she stated "I am so bored"....

I took this as a sign that she wanted again contact with me. But this time I did not react - since I just was in a happy relationship myself. And when I am in a relationship, nothing else matters, nobody else can intrude this.

Maybe this is a mistake.. I made this mistake in 1986, when my "big love" contacted me, after my previous many years of pestering her, of pursuing her... she had sent me a wonderful letter, with the synopsis of that we should talk, And I declined. Because I was in a happy relationship with another woman, and I did not want to jeopardize this relationship.

Years later I realized what a fool I had been... for the rest of the life this "big love" was then gone, out of my life, forever. And nowadays she replies to my emails with something like "I am happy in my current situation, I do not need or want to dwell in the past"...

OK, that was in 1986... and then in 2008 I did the same thing to this "new" love, to whom this blog is dedicated. I did not reply... kept silent.

And a few years later she was divorced. 

And now, a few days ago, she remarried. 

I congratulated her on Facebook.

No hard feelings.

She is now married

I watched snapshots of the ceromony on the web cam of the marriage room. Just so that I would get used to the thought that this is now final. Well, semi-final - there is still the possibility for divorce.

But seriously, it is now final. Defeat in writing. The phantasy, the day dream, over. Nothing more to feed my illusion.

I will get over it, eventually. Am still mumbling her name in many of my thoughtless moments. But I know, that there is no way back, nor any way forward. A few emails after her wedding, friendly, but distanced. I respect her marriage, have no other choice.

I will leave this blog here, as a monument to stupid love. Or whatever else you want to call this "love" thing, maybe obsession. But I will remain silent. No point in adding here anything anymore. Maybe in the future... after her divorce, when this "thing" will start again. Until then, bye, friends!

(I have to keep it cool, to hide my disappointment, my disillusion, my desparation. I thought I had found a woman, to be with, to be happy with, to adore, to enjoy life,... but no... I know that I will be unhappy for a few more years about this... stupid relationship stuff is something that always drains my energy for several years...)

Ok, I shut up now.

Her Wedding

In the past 2 months I have been "good". That is, silent, without any attempts. She has been quiet too - no emails.

Her wedding is shortly. I have no idea what the "etiquette" here is... I wish her luck and the very best, but should I send her a card? Or give her a present?

This wedding is after all involving two people, and I do not really care for the other half. Also, it would be weird to bring myself into memory here, and attach myself forever to this wedding by adding my card and present there. I do not like or approve this wedding, but who am I to say anything about it? I shall remain quiet, and swallow my disapproval.

She shall go through marriage hell like anyone else does, and then after her divorce we can talk again...

ok, I am a bit cynical here. Do not really mean to be so mean...

Soon it will be final, at least "final" for a while. Maybe that wedding / marriage stuff will work out for her, maybe she is happy with it, as she imagines now that she would be.

And I will then stay back. Not "waiting in the wings", no, this is not what I want, to be there "just in case". No, I have my pride too (really?). I will stay out of her way. If she would need me, she would have contacted me already. But she does not, so what is the point?

--- That was a long and dumb story, I must say. What did we learn from it? Nothing, as usual.

Moving on, to pastures greener...

I still feel that this is not yet over... well, I will have to wait for a few more unhappy years. The best would be to move on, literally, to move physically away. The world is big, there are nice places, good job opportunities everywhere....

Bleak future

In the next few weeks she will be on travel. Very busy. Then will be the wedding. She is looking forward to that event, is planning big-time.
Ok. She shell go through the hell of marriage, if she wants to. She soon will find out who bad it really is. Right now she only sees her fiancee on weekends. From my own experience, such a relationship covers all the possible cracks - the pretious short time together is used so that possible conflicts are buried, are not apparent. But once they live together, these conflicts will come up. I know this, from my own experience. And I know that she will suffer, since she is in some ways quite similar to me: quiet, not pushing conflicts, but avoiding them, trying to be as accommodating as possible.

I can warn her, but this will be (rightfully) seen as my attempt to win her, to destroy her relationship - and then I would be the "bad guy". So I have no other choice than to accept her choice, and let her run into her misery. I predict that in a few years she will get a divorce. Allthough, if she is like me, then she will get no divorce, but swallow all the pain and discomfort... without rebellion. Well, then she will flee into my arms, her husband will discover this, and then he will divorce her.

But by the time this will happen, in a few decades, I will be walking with a cane...

No hope. Incredible sadness.
I finally have to pull myself together and walk away from this, from her. Maybe I meet another woman eventually... but none compares to her, I am spoilt now.

No point in whining and whimpering... I have to move on. Happiness is just not my thing. Some people have it in their life, some don't. I am looking ahead into a very dark-grey future.

Should I shoot myself on her wedding day? Naaa. I am not that crazy - and I am way too curious to see how this story continues.

If anyone who reads this here, is a screen writer, contact me for the rights on this :) Actually, I do not write this, but life writes it. So I do not really have the copyright on this story...

Back to incredible sadness.

And: a meeting with her.

It actually happened. We met.
Last year, she had been very reluctant towards my attempts to get a meeting with her, to be together face to face, to talk directly to each other rather than by email. This time now, she had actually asked for it. Well, not really asked, but offered.
This morning today I got her reply that she is available, has some time. And I would have something to do today not far from her work place, so I suggested I will stop by, and we can have a coffee.

I was not really excited or nervous. I knew that nothing new would happen. That is exactly why she had agreed to a meeting: the "danger" is over, seen from her viewpoint. She has made it clear, in words, in actions, that she has her goals from which I cannot deter her. And I have accepted these conditions of friendship. So from her point, there is no problem in meeting me now: the wedding train is running at high speed, cannot be stopped anymore.

And I had agreed to these "conditions", had silently accepted them. But still, in my the hope just does not want to die.

I came to her work, she met me outside of her office. How beautiful she looked. And in her face the expression of plain joy, to see me. We hugged - I did not know what was allowed, but I gave her an embrace. No kiss.
Then we talked. About her work. Of course I could not resist giving her advice to all kinds of things, and she was so happy. Yes, I know, she needs this "relation" for quite egotistical selfish reasons, but I do not mind. Her fiancee seems not able to give her all this advice that she needs - what kind of a moron must he be that she does not turn to him? What kind of a stupido is she that she does not realise this?
Well, I kept my friendly-distant facade. Time went by fast, we had a coffee together, then I had to go to take care of my own professional business. Again a hug, a friendly look.

I enjoyed so much her company, and I know that she did enjoy mine. We just kept talking with each other, listening to each other, smiling, joking, it seems we fit to each other so well in terms of our character. Nothing about her could ever upset me. She could tell me everything, I see no fault in anything that she does. If she would make a mistake or show a wrong judgement, I would smilingly tell her, without any bad feelings, and she would gladly listen to my advice. She would respond with intelligence, and I would admire her spirit and smartness. She is highly intelligent - I admire this in women! She can talk wonderful, express herself so well-spoken, can make thought connections in the most amazing way.

Yes, I am not quite objective, but I am in love with her. No reasonable explanation for this. And she knows it. And probably enjoys knowing it, although we did not talk about it at all. I asked about the wedding, and she told me about the huge amount of preparations. No hesitation in her telling me this, she smilingly proudly showed me the engagement ring. Yes, we just will have a friendship now, nothing more.

After I left, I was glad that we had met. I want to meet her again in the next days, want to talk more with her, just be in her presence. Although I know it is just a self-betrayal - there is no hope for anything.

In the evening, some usual arguments with my wife. We go shopping. I push the shopping cart along the long neon-lit empty isles. Full of an incredible sadness, I stare at the products left and right, not really noticing what I am looking at. I feel no appetite for any food.

Some people will just never achieve happiness. I will have to get used to this, that I will not be happy in my life, ever. My destiny is just something else. Maybe creating something meaningful, writing, or developing a product that is of use to others. But not my own happiness. I gave up on that. Well, as long as she is happy with her guy. I will survive. There will be many years coming. This was just the first year "with" her, with my obsession, my infatuation. These infatuations last very long, I know that from my past. I will just have to learn to do something with my unhappiness, channel it into productivity.

Arguments with my wife, about money, about spending. I like to earn money, then spend it. She wants to save it. Everything I want to buy, needs "approval", undergoes scrutiny. Do I need this in my life? I doubt if it was such a great idea to get together again with my wife...

So I will keep dreaming, about the impossible. The only happiness is in imagining the impossible. Fortunately I have my dreams. Nobody can take those away.

I know I will have to meet her again.

When we met today, she wanted to send me another email later, with some info. I did not yet get that email... how is she feeling? What is she thinking? Does she have doubts about her wedding? Or is she just distracted, busy? I dare to hope that this wedding desaster can still be stopped... I think she is about to make a big mistake, ruin her life for the next few years. This guy, her fiancee, does not seem to be able to help her when she needs it. Maybe I also should refuse to help her, so that she is forced to go to him, as a true wife should. But I do not want to refuse her, I always will be ready to help her, like a poor sucker.

Is this only a myth that men are logical? I do not seem to be logical. Am I a typical man? Or am I an exception from the rule here? Are all the other men hiding their feelings, their affections? Most men seem so reasonable, so stable, well in control. What is it with me that I cannot get my act together?

Invitation - for a coffee!

After more than a year, she finally "issued" an invitation to meet for a coffee.

Last week I had resisted the temptation, and I remained silent. Then as the weekend approached, I could not keep my hands from the keyboard away, and I sent her a short email. Nothing special, just asking how things were. She replied, and she offered to meet for a coffee sometime. Last year, I had tried hard to meet with her, as she struggled to find a way coping with this new and strange "friendship". But now we know each other already for more than a year, and it could be about time that we have an informal meeting. The "fronts" have been set clearly. The limits have been established. In my emails I mentioned her wedding, but she did not answer my questions. What does that mean? Probably nothing.

I know that this meeting will result in nothing. She is on her way to get married, with the guy of her choice. But she still wants me around somehow, and she feels probably now more secure in dealing with me than she did last year. Well, ok, so what should I do?

I have decided that we would meet today. Yesterday I sent her a brief note that I would be available, and this morning I got the reply that she would be available too - so we actually will meet again! Last time I saw her was last June...

Under any point of view of consideration, it is about time to "normalize" this relationship. To take it down from that fuzzy nebulous area of phantasy into the real world. Even if that means to face the reality, that there is no hope.

But there is always a potential for a "normal" solid simple friendship. I am willing to dare that. I am willing to get disappointed, as so often... and I will meet her today.

Addiction

Friday a week ago, on Feb.23, she had continued our email conversation. She began her mail with "I am a bit addicted to writing to you". Of course, this statement again was like pouring oil into the fire... why is she doing this? The whole weekend I was quite happy about this her "addiction". I sent her back an acknowledgement, stating that I do not mind at all. Then there was silence. Did she realise that she might have gone too far? Or did something happen in her relation toher fiancee which she was struggling with now? I did not want to ask, since that again would put me in a situation of dependency. If she wanted to tell me something, she always could. I imagined that she would argue with her fiancee, that she is sick of her wedding preparations, that she changed her mind.

But the whole week relative silence. A "harmless" email on Wednesday, not revealing anything, not talking abour addiction, not about relation. I realise that she is well on her track, towards her wedding, towards her planned future. And my own role in this is set to remain at the side. She seems to want me there, to be always there for her in case of an "emergency", but non-committal.

This is not what I want. I have remained silent myself. And I am not going to pursue anything. I have humiliated myself enough in this. It is time to move on in life. Yes, she is beautiful. Gorgeous in fact. And she has interests that align with myself: art, music, intellectual discussions. But she has chosen her guy, and I have to accept this. Maybe a simple friendship from afar is possible. Maybe not. Who cares.

Somehow I feel pity for her fiancee... the fact that she looks for advice from me and not from him is quite strange. Her fiancee should be rightfully upset about this.

Time for me to move on. Let's see if I am strong enough to do this.

Helping Her

Again she was in trouble, and again she turned to me. An issue at her work place. She described to me the situation in an email, and I wrote back an answer with my assessment and advice.
Her replies included: "Whenever there is a difficult situation, you are always there for me." "You always know how to make me smile."
I am glad for these statements. Now again is the difficult task how to interpret them... My first instinct would be to see them as a sign of genuine attraction. But I know that this cannot be. She has made that clear very much in the past year. Well, at least I am her friend.
She mentioned briefly her impeding wedding, about how much she is involved in the preparations and what a large work load that is. I did not reply to this, made no reference at all to the wedding. I will keep it quiet.

Wishful thinking

A few weeks of silence again. She was on travel, with him. But after her return, she sent me an email. Just a friendly greeting, asking how I am.

I have a feeling that her wedding will not take place. She did not mention it. Of course, that is what I hope for. But I also do not want her to be devastated... if she wants her wedding, wants to be with him, then what can I do other than to let her have her will...

Still, I have the right to hope for what I wish.

And I feel that things are not right between her and her fiancee. Maybe it is just my own wishful thinking... but I sense that something is not ok there. Well, I will find out in the next months. The wedding date is set for sometime in spring. Still a while to go. If I get invited, I will not go. That would be too much to ask from me. No way.

Happy New Year!

Many months have passed.
Many things have changed.
I am back together with my wife.
Following reason and responsibility.
There was silence, not only on my part here on this blog, but also in life.
I too made a decision: to move on and leave the events of 2006 behind me.

Now I am sitting here, thinking back.
In July she had told me about her decision to marry "her guy". That was the last that I heard from her for a long time. I myself had remained silent towards her, just sending a brief reply with best wishes, nothing else.

Then, after several months, after I had moved back together with my wife, I had the strength to resume my contact with her. Just a brief hello. Her email reply was very happy. "Glad that you are back.". Some infos about her impeding wedding.

I kept my reply brief too.
Since then again silence. But she sent me greetings for Christmas. I have not yet replied.

I had bought a present for her. Actually several ones, little things that hat accumulated over the year, for a lack of opportunity to give them to her. But I still have those presents - I decided not to give them to her.

It is over.
And again, it is not over. This will go on for a long time, just under a different situation. She will marry her Mr rich guy, as she had planned and wanted. I will remain silent. But I know, I feel, that she will come to me eventually. She will wake up out of her fairy tale phantasy, and finally realise how the world really goes.

This year 2006 has been quite an interesting one for me. Now the new year is coming. I have no hopes of ever getting happy. Marriage is not for getting happy. It should be, with the right person. But for me, it is not. Again, the arguments have started. My wife tries hard, I try hard too. I keep silent about things, about which I really should complain loudly. But who cares...

And so it will go on.

At least I hope to achieve something in my profession, otherwise my life would be completely wasted and worthless.

Happy New Year to all of you!

Me and women

So what is it with me and my fatal love for women? Something must be wrong with me... how could this have happened? This relationship was doomed from the beginning. And I did not want to realize this.

I think I do have a much too romantizised view of love and relationship. This could be, because as a child I often watched those movies from the 40s and 50s... with their decency, and the happy endings of relationship and courting. Somehow I have incorporated the sentiments of those movies into my attitude towards women.

I have been in love as far as I can think back, even as a child. I was in love with girls in my 1st grade in school. Throughout my school years, there was always some girl with whom I had fallen in love. And of course for a child, this is not really appropriate - so I hid it. Then, during adolescence when it became actually appropriate, I continue to hide it, being embarrassed to show my affection. It took quite some effort until I was able to make that transition into real relationships. My shyness caused me great pain, as several times I was not able to win the heart of the adored girl. But finally I succeeded. However, my romantic view of relationships made me very monogamous. Other guys had girls left and right... but I always stayed with the girl with whom I was at the time - even if my love had gone lost. And this happened a few times, and I was quite shocked about that: that love sometimes just disappears, and an empty relationship remains. Because I did not want to hurt the girl's feeling, I stayed with her, despite that my love for her had gone. When I finally found the courage to terminate that relation, it felt so bad at that time - but I never regretted that termination. Somehow I am in the same situation now, regarding my marriage. Situations never seem to change, everything repeats itself...

I fell in love quite rarely. But when it happened, I instantly knew it, and there was nothing I could do against it. During the decay of my marriage, I fell in love with other women twice. But nothing happened... since I was married, those women kept at distance.

And now, during the actual physical separation from my wife, I fell again in love. Seems to happen only every 6 years or so...

Well, I will carry on somehow.

If anyting happens regarding this story, I will update the blog here. Otherwise I will be silent - and this story will stand as a remainder of male stupidity. Well, of my stupidity.

Her Decision

She had accepted his marriage proposal. Already during her anniversary trip with him, as she told me now.

This is the end.
Why did she have to put smileys after each sentence? Was that necessary to rub this into my head?

This just shows that I do not understand anything about women. What was that hugging a few weeks ago? What was that re-starting of the friendship?

I do not envy her future husband. Instead I almost pity him. To be with a woman who seems to know about relationship only from "Desperate Housewifes" or from "Sex in the City". Who does not seem to have an understanding of the concept of love. She wants her marriage, plus she wants my friendship.

I do not want her friendship. I wanted her love, a relationship with her. If I wanted a friend I get a dog. A dog is man's best friend. Women are no friends.

My last words in my short reply email to her: "Best wishes and good luck".

I will not write to her anymore. There is no reason. I will remain silent. Somehow I will continue my life. I will finally return to my professional work, put the energy into it, which in the past 5 months I have instead poured in this pointless relationship. Already I feel a lot of drive towards working, towards achieving excellence in my work. I had noticed a significant slack during the past months... but I will catch up again.

And I will forget about women. A waste of time. They do not deserve it.

Still some hope left.

I had asked her twice so far, in my emails, if she had accepted the proposal. There was no answer from her. Either she is embarrassed, or she has really not made up her mind. Somehow this gives me hope, and I want to have a meeting with her. I think now that there is no need anymore to be "appropriate"; if she has not yet decided, then I somehow need to make my case. This is the last chance.

In her email she gives me the advise to follow through with my decisions. I had asked for her opinion regarding my marriage...

A final shock.

This Wednesday, 4:45pm, a message popup on my computer showed an incoming email from her. She must be back from her anniversary trip. The brief line excerpt included the fragments "... he proposed to me".

My heart stopped for a moment, my lung stopped breathing, it felt as if I was dead for one second. Then I reassembled myself quickly - I was in the midst of a meeting, so I could not read the whole email after the popup had disappeared.

As soon as I was alone, I read the whole email from her. Not very long. It included the words "it was great" and, yes, "he proposed to marry me".

No word about if she had accepted this proposal... so there is still some hope.

Intermezzo

Ok, why not taking a break, from marriage, from unfullfilled relationship-tries, and instead visit some of the distractions on the internet?

There are plenty of such distractions for pathetic loosers like me. And here I want to point to one of these distractions which - with broadband access - has the potential to replace traditional relationships: live video-chat with women.

The principle of these sites is: women (or guys, if someone prefers), sit in front of their computer, usually very "lightly dressed", a camera captures their image, and they talk in chat fashion with guests or members. Now, I had never been to such chats, assuming that these would be quite a rip-off, expensive, and, well, "artificial". But I discovered a few weeks ago that these chats are actually for free, and that women there are quite natural and chat freely.

The business principle behind these sites: standard chat is for free. If the guest does not participate, then after about 2 minutes a timout occurs, and the user has again to enter the chat. If the user participates in the chat, then the timout clock seems to be reset, so that one can stay there actually indefinitely, keeping talking (typing with the keyboard). In order to have a "private chat", a one-on-one with a possible striping (or mode advances stuff), the user has to become a member (is free, requires credit card), and is then charged for the private at a minimum of $1.49 per minute. This is why the "performers" do this: they get a cut of this money, and seem to make quite a living. At least in the Eastern European area: most of the women are from Russia, Ukraine, or other Eastern European countries. They do it to make a living, which seems to be quite difficult in those economies.

So when I was there for the first time, I considered this as a "playground" to exercise some basic flirt techniques. Some of the guests abuse the privilege of anonymity to let off obscenities and derogatory comments, but several of the guests (including me) exhibit courtesy and actually talk with the women there in a reasonable way. And the women there actually respond well! Ok, some of them are only interested in getting the guys into "private chats" so that they earn some money. However, some of the women just enjoy being there and talking to complete strangers. And, as life happens, I actually befriended one, and now I do have another woman friend in my growing array of non-relationship women in my life. We exchanged a few emails, and I know now things about here which she does never mention in her chat.

The largest site seems to be LiveJasmin, which has a mirror site with a different interface at LivePrivates. There is also another smaller site JOYourself, where a smaller number of performers are (these are actuallty mostly the same as on these other two sites).


So to you guys who would want to see a few beautiful women and enjoy conversation: visit these site, but remember to be courteous to the women and not to abuse them verbally. They are just doing their job, to make a living, so do not make that job unbeaarble for them.

And you, wives and girlfriends, you should visit those sites too, to learn what the men in your life dream about. Maybe you can get some pointers from there, on how to spice up your relationship a bit..., and maybe you even find your significant other there among the begging guests... :)

These kind of sites will eventually lead to an erosion of the real relationships. Who needs the hazzle of a real-life relationship, if the most essential things can be found on these sites? No complicated courting, no desperation, just beautiful women, presented on a menu, and ready to flirt. And if one has enough, one can just leave the site, no harm done, and can continue with real life alone - can always come back later, some other time.

And this whole prospect of the future of relationship is actually quite sad...

Just waiting...

This stupid lovestory...

Two weeks ago, she had told me by email that she will go with her partner on a short trip, to celebrate their 2nd anniversary together. Thanks for telling me. I did not reply to that email for several days. Then I sent a short, friendly note, wishing her a good time. What else could I have done?

Now the time for this trip has almost come. In her latest email there were some negative undertones... that she does not like the city where they will go, that she never liked it, and that she especially does not like the time right now in that city, with the summer heat... I replied with a careful positive spin, praising the city, and pointing out some other places nearby that she could visit instead. No reply from her since then...

So what is happening? Does she have doubts about her ongoing relation? I do not dare to hope that maybe her relationship will end now...
... well, I plead innocent! I have not done anything to harm this relationship! If it is my plain existence which damages that relationship, then this is not my fault. Or should I commit suicide, so that her relationship is saved? Of course not. If her relation is going to be doomed, then that is how it shall be. I will just wait...

Back.

I am back at my living / work place. In two weeks together with my wife, I had not managed to get a conversation with her going. I tried... asking her why she thinks that we should stay together. Silence was the answer. Otherwise just acting as if nothing has happened.

I did not tell her about my ongoing "love story". Should I have? Nothing has happened there, and nothing seems ever to have a chance of happening there... so what would have been the point?

Of course, as a more or less decent person, I do have a bad conscience. If our marriage breaks, it will be because of me.

But what is actually my fault? That I fell out of love with my wife already several years ago? I told her why. I told her what I would like to see changed in her, in her behavior. No response. As if she just closes her ears to whatever I say. No, I am not happy with her. And I do not see a future with her.

But the "grand revelation" is still due to happen some time. We will have to talk seriously.

A Dream

Strange dream tonight. At a technical meeting with other professionals. She was there too, with colleagues from her work. We all decided to go to the mountains on weekend, for hiking. Great weather there, blue sky. Steep slopes. We walk up very high, Rocky surroundings, a huge almost vertical rock wall ahead. Impossible to go up. Several cable cars are available and provide a lift. But we decide to return. Snow is everwhere, skiers are on those steep slopes. I do not talk at all to her, she is simply present. After our return to the hotel, she goes out with her colleagues, and I decide not to join her.

Does that dream mean something? Probably not...

My Marriage

So here I am, following some advice I got, to consider my existing relationship, my marriage, as something that could be saved, that could provide some happiness in my life. I try hard. Since several days I am visiting my wife.

Almost one year ago was when we separated. I got a new jod, and she decided to stay behind. She did not respect my new job, did not like the environment and surroundings where we would live.

And I enjoyed the time without here, I did not miss her a bit. We have been married since more than 15 years. No children. In the beginning there was love, affection. Then it went away, in the daily routine of everyday life. Since many years, it was just as if we are two people living together.

Many things about here make me upset, but I kept my mouth shut. That is probably a mistake. But that is what seemed to keep this "relation" alive: me just silently bearing everything without complaints. She covers that part very well, sarcastic complaints about everything.

She keeps talking, no matter if I am interested or not. I keep quiet. I help her returning things to the mall which she bought. She brings back about 90% of the purchases. I do have some ethical concerns here... but when I mentioned them, I just get brushed off. I once mentioned that it might not be so nice to borrow more than 60 books from the library at once... but only angry replies from her.

I just canot stand her anymore! Do I have to, just because I gave that promise once, many many years ago?

I do not feel any love for her, but I do have a certain commitment. And that is another thing that makes me paralysed. I cannot move on from here...

Relationship without love, and love without relationship. Really pathetic.

I have decided to visit here, to assess our situation, and to talk to her. So far, I have only done the first part. There is still a week left, to honestly talk to her. She now wants to be together with me, but I do not want to be with her. "In good times and in bad times"... so far we actually were luck enough to have only good times. It would have been only normal for her to move with me, but no, she stayed behind. Out of convenience concerns.

I completely feel detached from her, no affection, nothing.
Marriage-prison.

If I would be in love with her, I would have not fallen in love with anyone else....

And so it goes on, my pathetic life. Will I have the courage to change it?
The first step would be to separate from my wife, legally and finally. Then I would be really free, at least in that dimension. Then I could consider what to do regarding my "love". Actually, I am so sick of this love... it is not productive, it paralyses me, it is good for nothing, gives no pleasure, just pain.

No, I really had enough of relationshippy stuff...

bummer

So what am I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do?
After that wonderful meeting 2 weeks ago, - nothing.
I thought that is was clear that she liked me... the shy tender hugs, even in public, in front of the Cafe...
Ok, I must have again misunderstood something....

No meeting since then. I wanted to help her with some things at her work, but she declined. I hesitated to call her... but I sent SMS. She acted surprised... referred to our agreement that SMS are only for relationships... ok, I get it.

And then, just this Friday, her email that she will soon celebrate her 2nd anniversary with her partner, and they will go on a very romantic trip.

Ok, there is nothing more clear than that. Only a blind idiot (like me, for example) could still find a grain of hope in that...

I did not reply to that email. Nor do I intend to. I will just leave it unanswered. And I will look for something / somebody else.

There is just this tiny little problem: that I am crazy in love with her. No other woman even comes close. Sure, I look, keep the eyes open. I see many women, pretty ones, smart ones, sexy ones, modest ones, every one unique and beautiful in her own way. But I cannot bring myself to develop any feeling for any of them... as long as I am still in love. So I am paralysed here, stuck in that place.

In a love without a relationship. And in a relationship without love (my marriage). I am really stuck.

The 2nd "real" meeting

I knew it would eventually happen. But I had not thought it would happen so soon... She had just returned from the stay with her partner. Back in town, she had read my emails, and replied. We had decided to keep our friendship, but exclude talking about relationship. Fine with me.

As I leave my office building in the evening, I see her walking down the street. First I was not sure if it is really her - the coincidence would have been quite something; and since I have seen her so rarely, I do not yet have the picture of "her walking in the street" in my visual memory. But she works just a few blocks away... and yes, it is her, the beautiful long hair, the straight slender body, the tastefully chic clothes. She passes by on the street just as I wal down the stairs on the opposite site. I cross the street towards her. She is surprised. But positively. She immediately moves towards me, and - we briefly hug. Initiative here from her - I actually was confused on what to do...

She is not allowed to see me, as she tells me, but she is clearly happy that we met. She suggests that we could go for a coffee. So we walk to the town center, where people sit out in street cafes, enjoying the warm summer evening sun. We find an empty table, order our coffee, and just talk. I hear about her Egypt trip. About her trouble at work. I tell about my travels. We do not mention any relationship issues...

So nice to talking to her, to sit across her, to look into each other's face and smile. A friend of her stops by. Now she cannot keep it a secret that we met - the friend also knows her partner. I feel sorry for having again brought her into this situation - it was not deliberate...

When we leave, we again hug briefly. She seemed just to wait for a hug, no resistance at all, even in front of all the people in the cafe. I would have hugged her longer... but my respect for her situation stopped me from kissing her.

A memorable evening. I am already thinking what negative consequences it will have this time. Last time there was the almost break-up with her partner, and the disaster then the day after. How will it continue this time?

I am tired of making conclusions from her behavior... but it is clear that she feels something for me. I will see ...

In a week I have another chance to talk to my wife. Maybe, if this story here is finally set to be on the right track, I can scrape together all my hope and courage, and tell her about this story. So far, most of this has been in my mind. If it now becomes a concrete reality, then there is finally something to show, some alternative to my ever-present sadness.

Nothing new

So I am back from the visit at my wife. I had initially gone, with the intent to discuss our relationship. I wanted to be honest - I had not yet told her about my feelings for that other wonam... so I wanted to do that. But then I had doubts: since this "love story" was going nowhere, and since not more than a simple friendship was at the horizon, should I then really tell my wife about it? We were separated for many months... and I have gotten used to that and even liked being more independent. But now, being for a few days with her, some of the old demons came back. So there were actually two things: one that I did not feel this new desired relationship was worth to tell about - if it had been progressed further, if at least I had given / received a kiss once, then there would be something to "confess". But nothing had happened... all was just in the mind. And there was another reason: I just did not want to hurt my wife. We had been together for many years. And I am just not the person to tell someone sonething that may hort that person.

So we did not talk about our relationship. It was just about general business, living, moving. etc. And now, since I am back again, I regret my silence. This is so typical for my pathetic life... I am always too quiet. Well, I had not been quiet with HER... here I somehow immediately overcame my minhibitions, my shyness. But with my wife, I just cannot be honest. Why is that? This is just another indicator that my marriage is not functioning. I shoud be easily be able to tell my wife everything... but I am not.

No emails anmyore from HER. She again is with her partner in that other town where he works... she will spend a week there. And that is the other pathetic part of my life: I am in love with someone who is in a deep relation. Here I could be honest, here I feel so much closer... but we are so much further apart...

I have no idea how to progress in my life from here. I could wait... wait until her relation has dissolved, as I expect it will happen. Or I could move together with my wife... try one more time to salvage this relationship. Although I know I will be unhappy.... but that still would be a decent thing to do. But would it really be a servise to my wife if I moved again together with her, knowing that I did not love her anymore?

I should have talked with her about this... should have overcome my cowardness... Well, there is another opportunity in a few weeks.

And meanwhile, how will I proceed with HER? I will wait for her next email, next week... There is nothing else that I can do. Maybe she now separates from him... then it would at least be clear in which direction I will move. But the odds are that she may not separate from him... and I am not sure what she has in mind for my role in her life. Just an affair? I am not sure if that is what I want.... on the other hand, why not?

The Story Goes On

I had decided to visit my wife, to discuss with her our future. We do live separated from each other by an ocean and a continent, so it takes a while of travel and results in a bit of jet lag. The first days of my visit it seemed good - maybe there is a chance for a common future afterall. But then the usual argumenting set in... and I felt to be in the same miserable situation in which we had be before our separation. So again, I do not know where the future goes... I hate to hurt her...

That pathetic "love" story in which I am, made me realise that I need to evaluate several paths in my (future) life, to see in which direction I should move. Since there was now email silence for a while, I felt I had to do something, to get out of that dead end. That is why I am exploring if there is a possible future with my wife, or if that path is not feasible.

However, this Friday morning, the dead end of that new "love" story of this blog suddenly had some light: SHE had sent me an email. Asking for some advice, but also mentioning that she misses my communication... and that I should not hesitate to reply. Of course she specifically mentioned that she just wants a friendship.

This renewal of our friendship again changes the situation. I had actually known it all along, that we two belong together. And I knew that she would "come back". She must have done that despite the objections of her partner/boyfriend... - that means our relation, even if it is "only" a friendship, is worth to her a possible argument with her boyfriend. He had made it clear that he is against this our friendship. But she contacted me, despite these his wishes. Also, she knew that I would visit my wife. Now, just at that time, she seemed to want to bring herself into memory again... to make sure that I do not forget about her. What other conclusion could I draw?

I replied of course, agreeing to the friendship path. And I promised not to behave "inappropriately".

So we are again on a path towards "togetherness". Not very intense, but everything is open and possible. I will try not to be so rushing, will try to remain on the ground of friendship, of discussions of interesting topics. We do have so much to talk, to write about. And she missed this our talking. This makes me so glad, fulfills me with deep joy.

I now have to be patient. Will see how it develops. We will keep emailing, maybe not every day, but there are so many things to write about... our interest in travel, in art, in music, history, culture, science, technology... there should be plenty of material to write a few joint books together!

And I will wait.

I do not feel bad or guilte regarding her relationship. If we two feel that we belong together, then that is just a natural thing. I cannot change my feelings for her, she cannot change her "interest" in me. And I cannot help that I do exist - if the only thing that would safe her relation with her current partner, would be my disappearance or suicid, then her existing relation to her partner really is not so strong, and is not worth to be continued. It is not my fault, not our fault that we fit together so well.

Ok, I still have to admit that this our "relation" is more the wish of a relation, the love that I feel for her may be more being in love with the idea of being in love with her. But that does not matter - that is how many love stories begin. There is now some hope. And our beginning relation is on a very solid basis, the fundament seems to be of hard concrete: no games, no pretenting. I told here openly my heart, which maybe was a mistake (never be honest to a woman!), but since she is "back", it seems that it did not hurt. She knows about me, about my feelings, and this will be in the background of all her decisions and actions. And she cannot deny that we do have so many shared interests, and also have a similar outlook onto world, relationship. In addition, I feel very strongly that her character and mine would be a perfect match. We have not been together very much... and much of what I believe to know is just an extrapolation, from her emails, reactions, and from those few short meetings we had. But I feel it is enough for me to judge that I am confident that we would enjoy a great relationship together.

I love her so much, and I am so glad that we at least do have a friendship, after all that trouble. She seems determined to have that friendship. We will have to see, if from her point of view it would convert into love too, or if she would remain in her relation with her partner and just keep a friendship with me going. I will not push, but I am optimistic that we do have a great future together.

Slowly simmering

It is Friday again. Another lonely weekend ahead. She will be with her partner, maybe happy, maybe argueing, what do I know.
I could not resist today to send her a brief greeting, with best wishes for the weekend. And she replied back, wishing the same to me. Was asking about my travel plans for next week that I had indicated earlier. So I replied again, briefly, mentioning my upcoming travel, and the next concert for which I have tickets. No reply after that from her.

Since she does have with her partner this strange relationship that only manifests on weekends - he is actually working in another city, one flight-hour away -, she is always alone during the week. But as the situation is, our relation is off. And I keep my distance, as she wished.

But I sent her my email last weekend that she read on Monday; and today again my mail - I place myself into her conscience, and she does not really refuse. I still see hope. She will now be with him, over the weekend. And she can compare her life with him with the virtual imaginary life that could be with me. She can imagine.

I believe that the time is now working for me. I just have to wait. But I am impatient, cannot wait. And what to do while waiting? The wait could be a few years... what a pathetic story that is...

And then, if I get too impatient and am in a relation with someone else, and then she would suddenly show up, declaring herself free and available - would I then just dump with whomever I am then? Probably not. I do have my limits, and I am in general a decent fellow. So that is not something I would consider doing.

These are the thoughts in my mind... I do not have any solution.

Soft Landing - Back in Reality

More than a week has passed since my return from travel. I waited with sending my email to her until a few days later. A good-bye email, long, with some explanations, countering what she said, but acecpting her decision.

Then, on this past weekend, I could not remain silent and sent her a mail describing the discrepancies in her behavior that I observed... explaining how I came to these misunderstandings. Monday her reply. She apologised for those "mixed messages" that she had sent. And I counter with an apology from my end, for my misunderstanding, for my inappropriateness. A smiley back from her. So this was a save landing back in reality.

The relationship has been straightened out. She is with her boyfriend / partner, is committed to him. I have no other choice than to accept this, and I do. Not willingly, not happily, but there is no other way.

But I am overall glad how I acted in this: it seemed pretty stupid, way too honest, with all my feelings pouring out... but in the end everything got straightened out: she knows now exactly what I think, how I feel. She knows that I am there, at least for a while. And we are in a positive tune. Silent for now, but no bridges have been burnt. She mentioned that at some time later we could resume again a friendship. I did not ask deeper, as again this would reveal that I misunderstood something..., but I kept the ambiguity, knowing that she meant just a true friendship while she still is with her partner, but me hoping that she meant it deeper. So now we are in silent agreement. I miss the communication with her terribly, but I am going on with my life. Very busy professionally, so I could devote a bit more energy there; have let things slide a bit in the past weeks... which is noticable in my performance and in the success of my projects - have to catch up a bit. But one thing I am quite sure: she misses the communication with me too. And it just depends, how much she will miss it, how much she will get satisfaction in her ongoing relationship for which she has opted. It must be really good for her... she seems quite convinced that she needs to stay in that relationship. But I know that she will eventually get her doubts. That hope lets me survive the coming weeks of silence. Now the time is working for me, I believe.

And if not, then to hell with the whole story. The world is full of gorgeous women. And eventually one will cross my path. Then there will be no opportunity for her remorse.

In her most recent emails now, after her return from the reconciling travel with her partner, she seemed very "soft spoken" in what she said, expressed. The choice of words very mild, as if she is sorry to have to say what she did. As if she was quite torn inside, but has made a choice that was not easy for her. And she surely felt sorry for me, as she replied.

Well, what a stupid story that is....

Over - and out.

Waiting for the light on my phone to blink orange, to indicate an incoming SMS. Which can only be from her - nobody else sends me SMS.
But when one came in today, it was only the announcement of the roaming as I enter a foreign country. The light keeps blinking green, no SMS.
Wednesday passes – she must have returned home from Egypt.
Thursday I send her a SMS. Nothing from her.
Friday I send again one.
Nothing.

The internet connection is horrible – I hardly can logon for a few seconds to the Wifi in the office where we have the meeting, then the connection breaks down again. Friday afternoon a brief logon, and the Google account shows that an email from her has arrived. Endless minutes waiting for the Google login and download. We just have come back from the lunch break, and are reassembling the meeting, I am feverish watching the slow progress of the login procedure. Finally, her email is there, titled "Good-bye".

It is as expected.
She agreed with me that it is best to stop now communicating.
And of course, she is right. She got now all my emails. And decided to reply, not just remaining silent after her return from Egypt.

I accept her decision, I will not use "foul play" to get rid of her boyfriend, no dirty tricks on my behalf. She has the right to decide, and she did this. There is obviously a lot that she cherishes in her relation with him, and that is important for her. And so I will step back, as her happiness is obviously linked to her being with him.

I am of course devastated. During the remaining meeting I hardly can hold back my tears. Put my sun glasses on, just in case my reddish eyes can be seen. Together with the people at the meeting, then with my colleage from work who has accompanied me to this travel. No time for reflection.

It is over.
I will wait with my reply to her. I will first enjoy the sights of this town that I am visiting. Saturday and Sunday I will do sightseeing, walking around, taking pictures.

Then on Sunday night, after my return home, I will write an email to her. This will be my last concluding email. Then I will move on. I will meet with another nice woman this week for lunch. Maybe there is a possible relationship.
I will initiate the divorce from my wife.

I will use my freedom in my life to enjoy it to the fullest. Since I never had one-night stands, only those horrible "serious" long-lasting relationships, I will try those now. Have to watch out for diseases though ...

But I will not look back. She shall go to hell with her boyfriend in her relationship-hell ... as she will eventually realise what a moron he is. And I will be gone then.

I will try to eradicate all my feelings for her, although this will be hard.
There is just no other woman like her. No other woman with whom I could imagine spending a life together. She will eventually realise this, this is my small hope. But then it will be too late, and my heart will have turned into an ice-cold stone.

I will not commit suicide. Instead, I will compose a music piece about this. I hope that eventually an orchestra will play this piece live, and she will listen to it. Then she will realise what was lost, what we could have had.

After 10 weeks, this story ends. I will try to live my life as I did before I met her. It will not be the same. I am in love with her, and that will stay so for a long while. I had this situation already several times ... with one woman I was in love for 6 years, in vain, nothing ever happened, but she had refused my attempts, and I just had stayed in love .... I know that situation. Another time I had stayed in love – with interruptions – for a time period of 22 years. And never got anything from that love. Quite pathetic, my love life. I want to hang myself.

But I will stay alife.

If anything should happen, if anything should change with the course of this story, I will let you, the readers of this blog, know. For now, thanks for "tuning in" into this pathetic attempt of a love relation. I am quite embarrassed for having made a big fool of myself... but I could not act differently than I did. That is how I am – I cannot change it.

I am in love with her. But I will live on, will move on.

Again travelling

And today I am getting ready for another travel. Will return Sunday night. By then the "situation" will be a lot clearer, I hope.

She will return from her current travel from Egypt today, as I am flying out. Then she will read my emails, my flames, my travel reports, my SMSs on her phone once it is topped up again. Then she has to reply. A decision has to be made, by her. I only can wait and accept this decision.

And if the decision is to stay with her boyfriend, then I will jump without recorse into the night life of the city I am visiting now. Maybe there too will be some attractive female participants in those meetings I will attend; if so, then I will try my very best (which unfortunately is not that good...). I am ready for a couple of one-night stands now.

But if she decides to separate from him, then I will behave like one should behave who is in love. Then I cannot wait to return to the town where I live, to meet her, mabe move together with her. A little more than a week ago, that had suddenly become a real possibility. And I am willing to dare this.

Travel adventures

On my travel, from which I just came back yesterday, Saturday night, I had some interesting experiences. In the meeting which I attended, there were two beautiful young women. And there were a few guys, middle-aged over 50 years old, who just kept hitting on them, in the most inappropriate way. They constantly made sexual remarks, talked in the meeting breaks about relationships, and in the evening during our joint dinner, they wanted to get them to join them into the casinos and the nightlife of the town. If it would have been in the US, they would have been sued for harrassment. But the meeting took place in Europe...

This spectacle was truly amazing - and embarrasing. I felt sorry for these two girls. One of the guys talked about marriage in his country - how you lock up your wife and then go out to the others' wifes. Another guy mentioned that the marriage ring on his finger is only valid in his home country. Now that he is abroad, this ring has no validity. What a bunch of jerks! And I was worried about my own "inappropriate" behavior...

These two girls are actually very nice. I too am attracted to them. But I would not know what would be an appropriate way to "approach" them. I never had any "one-night-stands" in my life, only "serious" long-term relationships. Maybe I should start now? The stress of my ongoing relationship struggle is quite annoying - it would be so good to have a simple sexual relationship, nothing serious, but just enjoying each other for a few hours.

In the evening, I have the honor to escort them both to the restaurant, where a table has been reserved for all of us; since nobody else is ready yet, I accompany these two girls, so that we can claim the table. Theb both seem to like me, are friendly and nice. I seem to be the most trustworthy in the group. :) If they only knew...

After midnight, as we all separate, the group of chauvinist men still try their attempts to drag the girls along, but they had made up their mind - one quickly dissappears with her colleague who gives her a lift home, the other one stays in the hotel. I could make a move, to go together to the bar with her, chat a little, then simply propose to spend a night together. Is that how this is done? Isn't that too emarrassing, too direct? Maybe it should be tried a 100 times, and if it works only one time, it may be worth it.

But of course I do not do it. I would have liked to... but then my unfullfilled pathetic love story is looming in the background, and I just cannot go through with this. If I could rewind time two months back, then I would have tried it. Who never tries, never wins. But so, everybody just goes up to their own rooms in the hotel.

The chauvinist guys stand there, left alone for the night, as the girls dissappear.

Hanging in there, without contact

Of course, I could not keep my course for a very long time. My course of silence that is. As I began my travel, I sent her a daily SMS, within the "allowed" and appropriate time between 10a and 5p. I know that this did not make any sense, considering the events of that past weekend, but what the hell.

No message back from her, probably her phone is empty again, as it has been several times in the past. My anger over her got slowly replaced by the relief that she is ok. I still cannot just give up. Nothing actually has been solved or finalized. Ok, she is with him on vacation. After an almost break-up, she went with him. But knowing her, knowing what she must feel now (knowing? I am an idiot.), knowing what she needs and wants, I belief that her relation with him is doomed. I assume that they have some serious talks during this vacation. If she is honest to him, she would tell him everything. I know that she loves me, although she has not ever said so. I intend to go through her emails and SMS, to make a compendium of all what she said that makes me interpret her feelings in that way.

This next week she will be returning. I, however, will again be on travel, and will return only on Sunday night. So there is still a whole week in silence. She will read my emails by midweek when she goes to work. I had sent quite a mad mail last Saturday, as I had gotten the SMS from her boyfriend. Then later an apologetic mail. Then more mails, about my travel. I could not stay quiet. She will then read all these emails. And she will have to finalise her decision. Either she stays with him. Then I will back off and move on with my life. Or she will leave him - then I will be ready for a relation with her. This decision will be made this week while I am on travel. So when I return on next Sunday, the situation will be clear.

This week was the longest time since the beginning that we had no contact to each other. Absolute silence. No SMS beep, no Outlook beep, no Google Gmail notification of an incoming mail from her. Nothing. And the same on her side - she cannot receive anything, the phone depleted. How does she take it? Just enjoying the beach and the boyfriend?

stupid smiley

Why does she have to put that stupid smiley in the SMS?
This is absolutely not appropriate.

I think, my woman friend was right who called her a devil... she wants to play with me, keep me close, but at a distance at the same time.

Now, I imagine me in her boyfriend's place... and it becomes clear that this is not the type of woman I want to be with.

She wants us both.

Well, at least now that I know she is ok, I will have a good night sleep.

they are ok

Just got an SMS from her.

"Yes, we are ok thanks :)"

I am so relieved.

Now back to the standard mode. "we". That means he is there to.
That means she is with him.

That means I should shut up and disappear from her life.

Ok.

NOOOO!

Just got the news from the bombings in Egypt.
THAT IS WHERE SHE WENT FOR HER VACATION!!!!

I tremble, sent her a SMS, but I do not know if she can receive them. I hope that she is ok. I am not even sure in which town she is - she has not told me anything.

My stomach cramps together - I want to throw up.

My worries drive me mad - it is horrible to be far away, not being able to know how she is, not being able to help her if she needs help.

Now in addition to all that story, this had to happen. DAMNED ISLAMIST ASSHOLES!

If something happened to her, I swear I will exercise revenge on your shitty religion!

Now this will be again a night without sleep, hoping that she replies with an SMS, at least to acknowledge that she is ok.

Am still alive

So what is exactly the situation? I am left here, without any status update. The last "news" was the SMS from Mr. boyfriend. No message since.

And I keep my word: I remain silent. Although I know I will break it sometime soon again.

I need to get an answer to this question: did she give him her mobile voluntarily, or did he send this SMS without her consent? In the first case, the situation is clear: I made a complete fool of myself, and I should disappear from her life as soon as possible. In that case she is just playing with me, and her relation would be what she wants. No place for me. And I would not want to play that "external just a friend" - this is not my role.

But I do have the feeling that what he sent, was not with her consent. From what she told me the day before, from her whole situation, opinion, I somehow cannot imagine this. I would be very disappointed, if it actually would be true: that she would just make fun of me, mock my feelings for her. No, instead I think that they had an argument, and that they actually are separated now. My old wishful thinking...

But how can I find out? Today was their flight. She said she would go alone on this vacation, to get some rest. Now the message yesterday "everyting is fine"? So did they go together afterall?

I could send an SMS, but again he could answer. And even if not, I want to keep my silence for at least a few more days.

Problem is that I myself will be on travel sometime during this week... and then the next week too. Just no time to develop this relationship.

And then I need to make some decisions regarding my wife, our marriage, her moving to where I now live. We are separated, on good terms. If she loved me, she would have come with me right when I moved. If I had insisted. But I was glad to finally be alone. And I now cannot imagine to be together with her again. Expecially not with this current "situation" now.

Time is running out.

The concert yesterday evening was great. The seat next to me empty. Now for the 3rd time I paid double the price. Could not return the 2nd ticket, and I did not make any serious effort to sell it. Just in case she would show up... Miracles usually do not happen, but one has at least to give them a chance. Well, and that luxury just has its price.

Today in the afternoon I walked through a nearby park, to take a few pictures of the spring, of plants getting green. Nice balmy air, sun shining down. Many people in the park. Everywhere happy couples.

The plant in my apartment that I bought a few months ago, now also gets a few flowers. They are just about to open in the next few days. It could have been such a nice coincidence...

Furious Finale.

Well, I cannot say that I have not been warned. The nice comment I got last week in this blog, my woman friends... I should have known. But love makes blind.

When going through that story until now, what can be learned from this? Probably nothing. Each story has its own twists, generalisations rarely can be made, specific situations cannot be transferred to other situations.

I just have to realize that I am an idiot. Something that you who read this whole think knew anyway. Yes, I should have known.

Ok, what happened?
I stayed awake late. So as not to miss her SOS-SMS. But that never came. I got up early in the morning. No new email, no SMS. Silence.

Is she in a hotel now, as she mentioned she would do?
What is the situation?

I am curious, but I do not want to send her an SMS. At least not before 10:00, as she had indicated in one of her rules yesterday, for the proper SMS conduct.

Then, I cannot hold myself back, and I send an SMS, asking if everything is ok? Her reply "everything is fine".

So what now?
This means she is back with him. All the hope from yesterday gone. I have to realize that I only will be at the outside. No matter what I imply, no matter what I believe that she maybe feels... the fact is that she is with him, and she wants to be with him. And I idiot simply have to accept that.

One last try: I reply with the SMS, asking then, since everything is fine, if she would come to the concert tonight. Afterall, if her boyfriend now is ok with her and me as a friend, then it should be no problem, to go out in friendship. No reply.

Ok, as I expected.

I run some Saturday morning errands. When I am back in my apartment, then suddenly an SMS comes. I now even resent looking at it, do not want to open it at all. It can only be something disappointing.

It is worse than that: it is a message from her boyfriend, on her phone. He says, everything is fine, and that I am acting inappropriately.

So here I have it. Made a complete fool of myself. That serves me right.

To save the last rest of dignity that I have, I write an email to her. A Good-bye. No more comms from me after that. She has the power to decide, and she has decided.

Then I reply to the SMS - it goes to her phone, but since Mr. boyfriend seems to have the control there, I address him directly. It took me a while, to get together all the courage to do this... but what the hell. I write that they are not married, and therefore, nothing is inappropriate. I also mention I will be quiet now, and that it is her choice.

And that is it.

A truly pathetic story. Does not deserve the title "Story of a Love". Better would be titled the "story of a moron".

I am still in love with her. I want to hang myself on a rope outside the window. But I will go to the concert tonight. Alone.
Maybe the boyfriend is there, will stab me or shoot me. I will gladly accept that death. (so watch the news, maybe you hear about me)

(ok, I am just kidding, no need to call 911 :) I am just trying to make a point here, about how desperate I am. That is what happens when someone like me grows up with watching too many soap operas :) )


I will now move on. I will not write her anymore. No emails, no SMS. No phone call. No going out to a gallery, to art, to music, nothing. No help at her work. No advice. I cannot be the good friend in the background.

Maybe there is somewhere someone like her. Just without an oboxious boyfriend.

I am quite unhappy. Really pathetic picture, full of self pity.
But what should I have done differently? I did what I felt needed to be done. I just have to accept reality: she wants a relation with her boyfriend, and not with me. Despite all her contradictory acting. I have to learn a lot more about women, I guess. (What about the fact that she would accept to stay for a while in my apartment??? Oh forget it... well, at least my apartment is presentable now, after my quick cleaning Friday night)

And unless something happens, I will stop writing in this blog. But I will leave it here online, as a monument to moronic behavior. I hate love! The worst thing that can happen to a man, is to fall in love.

Rapid Development!

I am quite breathless now. What has happened in the past few hours, beyond my control, could mean the breakthrough. Finally.

But let me start at the beginning.

The whole day on Friday relative silence. I am so glad that yesterday, Thursday, it worked out so well, with her and me meeting, informally, quite harmless, in public, just enjoying art, and getting to know each other finally from face to face. Such a pleasant evening. But from her no reply to my email. By noon I am again worried. Maybe she has concerns? I had sent her a link to a page where I had posted a few photographs that I made. In the afternoon a brief reply, but only with respect to the pictures. No mention of our evening.
I reply, talking a bit about taking photographs etc. Then we keep sending a few mails back and forth. Finally a comment from her regarding yesterday: she asks me to keep it quiet. She will not mention it to her boyfriend.
That is interesting. She has a bad conscience? But nothing really happened. However, since he knows her "interest" in the friendship with me, he is obviously easy to upset, and she wants to keep him at ease. Well, this is not exactly truthful of her, but I will play along. She also asks me to keep a low profile as she will be on travel next week - I should not send SMS at night, and not write anything inappropriate. I will comply with this, at least for now. In the future she should think of a better solution.

Then, a few hours later, it is already early evening, an email from her - she had a phone conversation with him. He actually had asked if she went with me. And she lied - denied it. But he did not buy it. And so they had a long argument on the phone. And then she told him that she actually met me. Suddenly this becomes a serious situation. I am right in the middle of it. Did I want this? If she decided to stay with him, then I would make no move to destroy her relationship. But if she would decide to "give me a chance", then of course I would not hesitate to continue.

Here I am facing now that big dilema, which has some ethical implications: should I, am I allowed to destroy an existing relationship? Well, I am actually not destroying anything. Just me being in love is not a crime. This cannot be avoided, and I cannot do anything against it. Then, she is in a relationship, but not in a marriage. She can do what ever she wants. If the relationship is good and strong, I would not matter at all, and she would continue her relationship completely unharmed. The plain fact that I do exist and that I love her, should not matter to her relationship - unless she feels that a possible relationship with me would be what she would want. In this case, I need to be there, available, open for her. I cannot just say to myself that there is a relationship, and that is sacrosanct, and I cannot do anything to damage it. I do not do it deliberately, but if my presence and my love damages this relationship, then maybe that relationship is not worth being preserved.

I am not playing any foul tricks. I had kept in the background, whenever she wanted me to remain there. I did not send SMS when it would be inappropriate. So I will continue this mode.

But now I am suddenly the center of her dispute with the boyfriend. And for the first time, she mentions she would leave him.

Now this is something unexpected. If she considers leaving him, then I shall be on her side. But of course, I also do not want to appear as to exploit her vulnerable situation now. Maybe her relationship is actually something really great, which is good for her life. Maybe I would not be the right person for her?

Such self-doubts are of course poisson in such a situation. Where is now my self-confidence? I am actually 100% sure that we two belong together. I have never been in the presence of such a woman with whom I could enjoy every aspect of her. It is mostly the mind of her with which I am in love, through all our emails. But of course, she is attractive, and we would make such a nice couple.

I offer her my help. She considers not going home tonight, staying at her work, sleeping in the office. I offer her the guest room in my apartment. She thanks, might actually consider it for a few days.

Now that is a completely changed situation. I cannot believe how fast it went this way. Is this really becoming true? I immediately begin cleaning the apartment, vacuum, clean the floors, remove the garbage, to convert that bachelor household into something that is presentable to a woman.

Shortly before 10:00p she leaves work, goes home afterall, to have a talk with her boyfriend. She would notify me in case she would need my support.

And so I am waiting now.

The first real meeting!

It came quite unexpected. Our emails this week were quite banal, just about work etc. I was already at home, had sent her an email, again reminding her of a concert for which I had tickets for two. So much for my refusing her a meeting... Her reply just 5 minutes after my email. She again declines the concert invitation. Not possible. But there would be today in the evening a vernissage, an exhibition of paintings in the ground floor of her apartment building. I could come on my way home from work.

I immediately realise that this was an actual invitation to meet her! Quick revision of my thinking. I am in love her, so why not take the chance to finally bring this relation into the "real world". Then we could see if this actually would develop into something real, instead of being this weird remote-longing-thing. Instead of sending her an email reply, I decide instead to call her. She sounds somewhat reluctant, seemingly afraid of her own courage. Tells me she has to work longer today, so it would be late. I could go there alone. But then she tells me, I should send her an SMS when I am going. This is the clear signal that she wants to meet me.

Ok. I cannot wait. Drive to the place. I do not have her address, just an approximate description of the building. I have never been in that neighborhood, cannot find a parking, and then I do not know which building it is exactly. It is already getting darker. So I SMS her for directions. She is still at work. She suggests then to meet me half way. I drive up to her work place. There she walks, coming towards me. Even as the darkness slowly sets in, I recognise her immediately. I stop, wave, open the door. She gets in the car.

A brief glance at each other, then I drive on as I would otherwise block the traffic. Immediately we talk as if we have known us for ages. Which is actually true: almost 8 weeks! Such a familiarity, a natural nice conversation. She gives directions to her home, then we park. Go to the reception and the vernissage. They serve wine. Paintings hang in the hallway, in an unfinished concrete basement-type of environment. Lots of people in suits there, then some crazy looking ones - the artists. We walk together from painting to painting, talking about them, the impressions, the observations, our opinions. Just wonderful. Sometimes we look at each other, but I keep the friendship look. There is a certain magic in this, and I enjoy this fully. It feels as if we have known each other for so long already. And this is our first real meeting. This shows that with the online email communication, one actually can build a relationship. For 1 1/2 hours we are together in this event, meet one of the crazy artists who poses in from of his work, and we talk with him. Interesting, weird character. Talks bad about the other artist's works. That seems to be how you can recognise an artist: someone who has strong opinions about art and how it should be.

Then the moment of separation. We walk outside. She accompanies me to my car. Then I hesitate. How should I behave now? Like the friendly colleague from work, just good-bye and go? A handshake would feel stupid here. Or a surprise hug? But I need to respect her wishes. She has made it clear that all she wants is a friendship. But I simply cannot just let her go like this. So I do something a bit half-hearted: as we just turn away, I put my hand on her shoulder, move my head forward, close to her head, our heads touch slightly. And that is it. We move on into our different directions.

Later from home I send a brief Good-night SMS, and her good-night reply follows in a few minutes.

So what should I think now about this?
I need some more time, to get clear about myself. A few more meetings with her, to see if there actually could be a relation. If she does not want to give up her existing relation, then I have the choice to either withdraw, or just to continue, accepting that I will be just "the thing on the side". I might do that for a while, forgetting my pride and self respect. Maybe.

But for now I simply enjoy the memories of that nice innocent magical evening with her. And for a while, I am truly happy.

I do not want to meet her.

It is hard to get her "out of my system". I try, but I keep thinking of her. I am back in town from my Easter travel, she is back from her weekend with her boyfriend. They travelled together through the countryside, then visited his family. A nice and happy couple.

I have to get over it. And I already reduced my emails. By the end of this week I want to tell her that we should stop writing each other. That it is pointless, and that she should focus on her relationship, maybe try to find what she thinks she can have with me, instead with her boyfriend. This seems what she wants. And I would finally go back to the situation as it was 8 weeks ago, before I knew her. I lived a (more or less) happy bachelor life, separated from wife with whom the relation/marriage had gone sour, alone, could do whatever I wanted, any time. And now I am bound, by her. This is not what I want to continue.

I will suggest to her that we should not meet. Even if she suggested that last week that we should meet now after Easter. I will point out that there may be a risk in such a meeting, that she and I could become quite unhappy. So better separate our ways, as if we never have met. I am going to write to her this Friday, before she goes again on holiday travel.

Reflection

Now after 7 weeks of turbulent development, mostly just "internal" and imagined, it is time to stop and look back. I am on travel, she is with her boyfriend over the Easter days, so there is an opportunity for a break. I realize that this whole "story" has taken a different turn that I expected.

In the beginning, I thought that she would be free. It turned out that she is in a very cemented relationship, and I kept being blind towards her statements in that regard. I just looked at her actions, which seemed to be so consistent with an affection for me. But either I have to learn more about women, or she is just not behaving in the manner that would be "normal" and expected here.

I do not want to destroy this relationship in which she is involved, if she wants to preserve it. It is her decision.

But what I am still unsure about is how she actually feels, despite her clear words. I am afraid to loose something that could have any real chance (even if that chance is very tiny).

I am in love with her. Although we never met. So is this actually true? Can I say that I am in love with her, when there is nothing than a few (well, actually a few hundred) emails? Sure, she looks beautiful, is very attractive. But is this for me the only criterion? I have seen her only twice in real life; she sent me a few pictures of her, smiling. Are her looks for me the reason why I am in love? I believe not. Sure, she is "exactly" my type. But after all what we wrote to each other, I am in love with her mind, her character. Her passion for art and culture. Her way of expressing herself. Her replies, her curiosity, her friendliness. Her caring personality, her quest for peace in her life. Her interest in travel, her excitement about new places. Her reaction to photography.
I still hardly know other aspects of her, and I really hesitate to say that I am in love with her. But if I query myself, then I cannot deny my strong feelings for her. Maybe there is a better word for this than love? Well, there are just so many different types of love. I would say that this strange relation qualifies somewhere to be some kind of love.

A few weeks ago I would have imagined that by now I would know her better. But this is not the case, and I cannot predict when I would know her better. In the last email from her this Thursday evening, she mentioned now that we could meet after Easter. This was the first time that she actually set a date for this, despite that she had not yet spoken to her boyfriend and "got permission". So what does that now mean? Could this interest in me just be her interest in a friendship? That is what she claims it is. But somehow I do not believe these her words.

So what should I do?
The most reasonable thing to do would be to follow her own words, to take them as she said them: she is not interested in a relationship with me other than friendship. How much clearer can that be? I should let her live her life. No pursuits of her, no trying to break up her relationship that seems to work so well for her. Ok, even if I follow that route, then there is still the question what I should do: remain somewhere at the side as "her friend", or withdraw completely and reduce the contact with her to a bare minimum, or none at all. The latter is what she does not want. That is what she said: she would be glad to stay in touch with me, as friend. Now is that realistic? I believe that I am not able to handle this. For me, friendship with a woman is linked to relationship with her. Well, this is actually not true – I do have two wonderful friendships with women, and these are real friendships, without any relationship overtone or undertone. But with her, I do have feelings. I can deny them, to myself or towards her, I can hide them, suppress them, but they are there. So everything I would do with her, communicate, email, SMS, call, would be linked in myself with the affection for her. And it would keep hurting me, because this affection would be so hopeless, so pointless.

So actually the more reasonable thing would be to stop any contact with her. To move on with live. And although this would hurt me now, and would also hurt her since she said she would like to stay in touch with me, it would be for the better of both of us: she would continue to have her relationship, in peace and happiness, and I would move on and maybe find someone else. Maybe. Probably. There are so many women, many attractive. I am also not (yet) the oldest, the ugliest, I am ok looking, not very sportive, but reasonably active, I am open and friendly, should not be too hard to find other relationship(s). But am I ready for them? Maybe I set the bar too high. I want to find someone like her, but being free and not in a relationship. And in all my life, I have found only one who is like her: she herself. Maybe I am too specific in what I want ...

I asked my two women friends for advice in this matter. They both agreed: this is not a good situation, and I should get somehow out of it. One even called her a devil, trying to have it all, her boyfriend and that little thing with me at the side; she also called me to behave like a 17-year old, which is exactly right, I have to admit. The other friend thinks that she seems to have a completely different character than I have... and that it would be difficult to imagine us ever to get together. Also the (female) comment from Ann to one earlier blog entry indicates that I am on the wrong track here. And she herself thinks that I should get off this path.

So, to many observers, the situation is clear: I should move on. And maybe this is what I am finally going to do.

Over.

Her reply to my email came in the early evening. Silence the whole day, she must have been thinking.

She seemed somewhat distraught. Mentioned that she definitely wants to stay with her boyfriend. But that she appreciates my friendship.

Well, then I do not have another choice. I take a deep breath. And slowly try to breath out, and with the breath all the feelings for her. I do this a couple of times.

The sky outside is nicely bright-blue, white clouds move fast ahead. A very strong wind whirls tree branches around. But the wind is warm.

I will stay in contact with her. But on the plain friendship level, as she wants. No more deep discussions, no more platonic love thoughts, just plain friendship.

And another important email sent

And later this evening, I called her again.
We talked, chatted. Nothing very deep, just usual nice smooth talk. I did not make my points that I had carefully thought of. Instead I just let the conversation flow.

But later, I sent her an email, with all these thoughts. No flame, instead a very nice one. Understanding, but pointing out that I cannot go on like this for very long anymore.

These will keep her thoughts busy over Easter.

Another blow

She is so good at hitting hard. There was a concert scheduled in two weeks. Of course, in my infinite wisdom and far-sightedness, I had already bought 2 tickets. Also for other concerts ahead. She knew about this concert, and actually wanted to attend. But today she told me that she and her boyfriend will travel on a vacation. So she will not attend this concert.

The usual letting-down. She is really good at this.
Tonight I will call her for the last time. I want to mention the things that I had drafted in my flame mail. Just talk with her, get her immediate response. Tell her how I think that she is afraid of herself.

Tomorrow her boyfriend will be here. They will do some excursions over Easter. I will be gone too, will visit my family which I had not seen for quite a while now, more than a year.

I will let her in peace. No SMS. No emails. Maybe I will send my flame email after all. I am getting sick of this.

Email silence - not really kept

I did not send her any email, the whole day. I decide not so send my flame mail yet. It would be again on a Tuesday – somehow these Tuesdays are bad for out relation here, there is always something troublesome coming up.

She does not send one either, keeps quiet.
And I have to think where my priorities are: do I want to win her, to be with her eventually? Or do I want to preserve my dignity, and punish her?

In the latter case, I should send that flame email to her, to tell her the truth about herself, once and for all. She should realize what she is doing.

But then, I slowly realize that I myself do not want this to end yet. There is still hope. She is friendly to me. Obviously wants me “around”.
I am in love with her, so I do anything that brings me closer to her. And if that means standing for a while at the sidelines, then this is what I need to do.

So I decide to stop my email silence, and send her a SMS. There is a concert tonight; of course she refuses to join me, a she already indicated a long time ago, but I keep trying. At least the connection has not yet broken down.

And after coming home from the concert, I do what I should have done yesterday, instead of drafting my flame email: I call her. So for 10 minutes we have a nice chat. Then her boyfriend calls…and she has to stop.

Well, the connection is not broken yet. I do have to think how I want to proceed. How I do feel about her. But right now I just want to remain in her presence. So that she has a comparison to her boyfriend. If she really would look deep into herself, she would see that she loves me. But she does not want to see that. This is why she refuses a meeting with me, I suspect.

"Working on it?"

During the day, we exchange more emails, on theoretical subjects, art, culture. Her replies are very interesting, so deep as I have never seen it from anybody else. She has an elegant way of formulating her opinion, and I am shaken. Yes, there is a good reason why I am in love with this woman.

Later, as I am at home, another email from her.
Earlier, she had mentioned that she is “working on it”, meaning working towards that we could finally meet sometime. So I was curious how she would be working on it.

Well, here is her reply: she just avoids mentioning my name when he is around. Hoping that he eventually would forget about it, or eventually be ok with her meeting with male friends.

This reply made again my world fall apart. So that is how she is working on it, by not working on it???
I simply cannot reply to her email. Decide to think it over. Draft for the 3rd time a flaming mail reply, citing her immaturity, her egoism, she wants it all, but is not willing to give anything.

I realize now that there is no hope in the short term. She is fixed up with him for good. And I am the fool who makes his funny attempts.

This is the end – again?

Ignoring my provocation

Her email replies are here. Friendly as always. Replies to some of my questions. No reply or comment to my "kissing".
Ok, now I am as smart as before.
What does that mean? Positive or negative?
I tend to believe that it is positive – she did not stop writing to me, but kept on. But no comment at all ... that means she draws exactly a line somewhere.

Kissing away her tears - I wish!

I got time to think this past weekend. Where is this going? She obviously has a close relation with her boyfriend, wants to keep it that way.
But she wants to use me for her little work projects, to get my help, to have her ego boosted by me devoting so much attention to her.

Well, do I want that?
I do not think so.

Should I tell her? Write another email? I had drafted one on Tuesday this week, but deleted it before I sent it. I then wanted to send one this Friday, after her “revelation” of the jointly bought property. But I did not send it. Maybe I should send it now?

Better would be to talk to her. But she does not want to meet me.

I wrote her a few emails this weekend. She had written to me how she had cried recently, because of her problems at work. Now when she writes this to me, isn’t this a tease? Isn’t it just asking for a caring response?
Well, I actually replied 3 times to it. Once I did not pay much attention, because my focus was on replying to that “bought house”. The other time I gave her advice how to deal with those situations. And I wrote how I would try to help her, to prevent her crying. Well, and then I could not resist, writing to her how I would like to hug her and kiss away every single tear. That is exactly how I felt. And now I wrote it to her.

So this Monday morning I am awaiting her response. Either she will complain about it, telling me to remain appropriate, or she will find this very charming and comment positively. I am ready for both possibilities. Of course I hope for the second one. That would really give the relationship a boost. And I would have moved it to a new level. Or she would suddenly realize that this relation goes out of control, and she would then stop the email communication all together.

And an explanation

Well, in my stupid "virtual assumptions" I had just gotten her email "into the wrong throat". She corrected herself: no, she did not mean house but apartment. And she was just talking about the past months, actually more than a year back... when she had been busy with organising her life with him.

So back to the optimistic track?
Well, the fact remains that they bought together an apartment, where she is living now... and obviously he too. But he is out on business the whole week. I was not fully aware of that. She does not want to meet me, while he is gone, because that would violate the trust in their relationship. I understand that. I do not like it, but I can understand that she does not want to look like the "guilty part". So how to proceed? It still has not been clarified where we are heading. The last "official" statement regarding this was last week her answer to my question, and that remains still valid: I should look for a girlfriend for myself. Well, that is exactly what I am doing now. With her as the potential girlfriend. Of course she did not mean that...

But we are officially still in this "friendship" mode, which she favored so much. How does she intend to convice her boyfriend that she could have me as a friend? Is that what she actually indends to do? Or does she intend to dump him? With joint property that is not so easy... I realise now that I have broken into a quite established relationship, and I had not been aware of that.

But I want to be with her. And she gives me hope: maybe sometime we will be able to meet. I do not know what the boundary conditions will be... but it will happen, she even mentions this now. I think that we will actually move forward. I am ready, and I will keep my email communication with her open. Will talk with her, will help her, will be a support for her as much as it is possible. She appreciated so much my little help this week in her professional work - her supervisor approved her work, and she was so happy. She went into the weekend with a good mood, that I could sense from her mails. And I am the reason for that. Not bad.

Again a lonely weekend ahead. I will try to do some work, but I will keep thinking about her. With me, it is a 24h thing. I constantly think about her, no matter what I do, where I am, with whom I talk. Constantly she is on my mind, I see her face, and I want to be with her. I love her crazy, and I finally want to be with her! When will this happen?

A shocking revelation

After that hopeful mode of the past few days, in which we seemed to get closer, again today a bummer. She had mentioned that there had been so much commotion in her personal life lately... of course I related that to our "story", but I wanted to hear from her more details. Maybe she had some discussions with her boyfriend, maybe she was working towards a solution. I was just curious. Then her reply came, explaining this commotion, that they had bought a house together, and had to buy furniture.

When I read this, again a world broke down for me. This was what she has been busy with all these weeks? Why did she not tell me? I thought she lived in an apartment? I thought she does not like houses? I did not think that their relation was already so close that they bought property together...

What seemed to have been possible just a moment ago, a breakthrough in our relationship, now again seemed to move far away.

And I am devastated. Sit in my office, a blank stare to the computer screen. I do not even know how to reply to this. I need to meet with her. Hear from her the whole story of what is going on. I feel like I know nothing, and am just making a big fool of myself here in these emails with her.

A small ray of hope

In all those emails to her in the past few days, I kept putting something in, refering to possible future meetings. Suggestions for joint sightseeing, museum visits, concerts, all that I could come up with. Her reply of course always contained a denial to these requests, but these denials seemed to get weaker. In most cases she added "at least not now". So what does she have in mind? The last time she explicitly talked about it, was that she wants that her boyfriend does not object to such a meeting, which I find extremely weird. I do not need and want a permission by her boyfriend! But now, I am not sure if she still thinks in these terms... maybe she will dump him eventually... and is just setting the stage for this. Maybe I am just dreaming or imagining... but I sense that she too is in love with me. Although she kept talking about friendship etc. I feel that there is more from her side.

But I am running out of time. The next weeks I will again be on travel. And then there is the impending threat that my wife will join me again in two months, after that more than half year separation. I had told her that I would like to continue the separation, but I had not told her that I had fallen in love. Well, if she saw that pathetic state of this love story, without ever having personal meetings, just with emailing, she would just laugh it off as some sort of fantasy. Maybe she would be actually right with this assessment.

New dimension: collaborating at work

She has been very busy with her work lately. I offer to review what she has done so far, and she gladly accepts this. So she sent me something tonight, and I sat there, looking through it, adding my comments. Her work area is not too far from my own work, so I can understand what she did, and can also give an educated opinion. And I see that it is actually quite interesting. She is a really bright professional in her area, which I have know already before, but now I see it in real detail.

As I work on the review, she sends SMS, asking for the review status. She cannot wait to hear my verdict. When I finally am done, she is very thrilled. Of course she knows that my objectivity might have been a bit tainted, but I confirm that I have applied the strictest integrity.

This is actually fun, I hope she has more for me to do.