Establishing status

Back at work on Monday, an email reply came from her in the morning. Made me feel very good – so she does not yet refuse the communication with me. She just does not check her work email over the weekend, as I suspected. Offered an invitation to dinner with friends sometime – I could bring my partner / wife. Ok, that was her way of asking me about my status. I replied honestly: "married but separated". Now how could I phrase an innocent question about her status? I asked if there would be more guests to the dinner. She replied: “only my boyfriend”.

I knew it! Such a beautiful gorgeous woman could not have been without another man. So what do now? Give up? Well, she obviously is interested to make my acquaintance, otherwise there would be no dinner invitation. Ok, I have nothing to loose. If I would give up now, that would result in the same as if I would continue and later be thrown in the gutter, so what is the difference… and maybe there is a chance that she dumps the boyfriend. Afterall, he does not seem to be her fiancée.

What is it with me when I am in love? My blood pressure is higher, my cheeks are red, I run around aimlessly, cannot concentrate on my work. Are other men the same? I don’t think so – they make all a relative quiet impression. But I act like a gorgeous idiot when I am in love. And I hate that! But I cannot change it. Now I have to go through with it. Until the bitter end. I can already see that this will end in disaster, but I will go for it and will keep trying.

Well, at the end of Monday I had already gotten 7 emails from her – I was really glad about each single one of them. There seemed to be a lot of things to say, although it was just simple chat; one bad thing is that I will be on travel the next few days, so no opportunity to go for a brief meeting, as we discussed may be nice. Then just before I return, she leaves for more than a week. That means the earliest we can meet is in more than 2 weeks – what a shame! Something is supposed to start, and we cannot even meet. And I will have to run around with my feverish face for two weeks from now, without any certainty of failure or hope.

One good thing is that this love thing tickles my musical inspiration. I already decided to write a music piece for her, about her. And when I sat at my keyboard, playing a few improvisations, they sounded quite new and with a fresh impulse.

Before I left in the evening, I sent her an email. This one had gotten a bit longer; nothing personal, but just replying to comments and expanding on them. Maybe the mail was too long? Did I once again appear as too pushy? No reply from her – I still checked the inbox far after midnight.