The end of someting that never begun.

The weekend is over. I was lonely sitting at home, working, reading through all our email communication. I have really written a lot, have spread my whole universe of thoughts, opinions, feelings out for her. She does not have internet access on weekends, so all what I wrote the last week, just sits there in her inbox, collecting slowly a layer of dust. I cannot call her, the boyfriend is around. No SMS either. I feel that I am isolated, with no way of communicating to her. This is no good, this needs to change. I am only able to tolerate this for a short time.

Monday finally she is back at work, the first "normal" week in the past month will begin. Nobody of us is on travel, we finally will be able to meet. I greet her with a Monday morning SMS. No reply back from her to that one.

She reads my emails on Monday morning. Then sends me a reply. Not mentioning any of the many things I wrote, it was just too much; she referred to them all as interesting, but she did not want to specifically reply as there would have been an avalanche of emails as a result... so much to write. Ok, I understand this, but I feel quite disappointed. Would have liked to see her reply, to many of those topics. Well, maybe we would now finally meet. Her boyfriend is gone again, to work in another town, they only have a weekend-relationship. That should be possible, to have sometime a coffee or lunch, and simply to meet face to face and have a normal conversation, finally get to know each other through other means than through email.

But in her reply I sense a reluctance. She mentions lots of work, and "we will see"... I sense that this relationship is loosing its momentum, a sinking feeling spreads. But I will not give up. I bring up the issue that we should meet some time now. I give her my schedule when I would be available. We live and work in the same town, not too far away from each other, it should be possible to go out for a harmless lunch or a coffee.

And then today her reply. She does not want to meet me. That is because her boyfriend at home would not approve, and she wants to accommodate this her relationship with him.

I am furious. Who is this guy? Why is she so dependent on him? Obviously she finds something in our communication that he does not give here - that is why she has been continuing to communicate with me. But now that I would want to move this relation from the virtual domain into the real domain, she refuses. She does have her real relationship with that "boyfriend", and she has made him aware that she also has this email friend, me. And he strongly disapproves. Is not surprising - the boyfriend correctly is aware that I am a threat to his relationship. But that is how life is - it is up to her to make the decision who will "win". I have tried my best.

And now she seems to have made that decision. I am cut off. There will be no meeting. Unless her boyfriend might approve sometime in the future.

This I cannot accept. With the rest of dignity that I have left in me, I sent her an email, telling her that I will not continue this communication with her anymore. I do not want to be told by a guy whom I do not even know (her bf) whom I can or cannot meet.

So that is it.
My initial anger turns into sadness, desperation. This whole story began completely reverse... we should first have met, had lunch, coffee, or whatever, and then should have communicated by email, in depth. But life was different... there was no opportunity, we both were on travel... email was the only way of getting and staying in touch. The online communication has surpassed any other real interaction, it was the only way. I should have slowed it down, waited until a real meeting, before showering her with emails, before making this relation so serious.

Now it has ended, before it had a chance to begin.
Deep in my heart somewhere I still have some hope, that there might be some light in the future, But for now, the door has closed, and I am left in complete darkness.
That is the end of this story. It ended before it began.
What a shit.