Over - and out.

Waiting for the light on my phone to blink orange, to indicate an incoming SMS. Which can only be from her - nobody else sends me SMS.
But when one came in today, it was only the announcement of the roaming as I enter a foreign country. The light keeps blinking green, no SMS.
Wednesday passes – she must have returned home from Egypt.
Thursday I send her a SMS. Nothing from her.
Friday I send again one.
Nothing.

The internet connection is horrible – I hardly can logon for a few seconds to the Wifi in the office where we have the meeting, then the connection breaks down again. Friday afternoon a brief logon, and the Google account shows that an email from her has arrived. Endless minutes waiting for the Google login and download. We just have come back from the lunch break, and are reassembling the meeting, I am feverish watching the slow progress of the login procedure. Finally, her email is there, titled "Good-bye".

It is as expected.
She agreed with me that it is best to stop now communicating.
And of course, she is right. She got now all my emails. And decided to reply, not just remaining silent after her return from Egypt.

I accept her decision, I will not use "foul play" to get rid of her boyfriend, no dirty tricks on my behalf. She has the right to decide, and she did this. There is obviously a lot that she cherishes in her relation with him, and that is important for her. And so I will step back, as her happiness is obviously linked to her being with him.

I am of course devastated. During the remaining meeting I hardly can hold back my tears. Put my sun glasses on, just in case my reddish eyes can be seen. Together with the people at the meeting, then with my colleage from work who has accompanied me to this travel. No time for reflection.

It is over.
I will wait with my reply to her. I will first enjoy the sights of this town that I am visiting. Saturday and Sunday I will do sightseeing, walking around, taking pictures.

Then on Sunday night, after my return home, I will write an email to her. This will be my last concluding email. Then I will move on. I will meet with another nice woman this week for lunch. Maybe there is a possible relationship.
I will initiate the divorce from my wife.

I will use my freedom in my life to enjoy it to the fullest. Since I never had one-night stands, only those horrible "serious" long-lasting relationships, I will try those now. Have to watch out for diseases though ...

But I will not look back. She shall go to hell with her boyfriend in her relationship-hell ... as she will eventually realise what a moron he is. And I will be gone then.

I will try to eradicate all my feelings for her, although this will be hard.
There is just no other woman like her. No other woman with whom I could imagine spending a life together. She will eventually realise this, this is my small hope. But then it will be too late, and my heart will have turned into an ice-cold stone.

I will not commit suicide. Instead, I will compose a music piece about this. I hope that eventually an orchestra will play this piece live, and she will listen to it. Then she will realise what was lost, what we could have had.

After 10 weeks, this story ends. I will try to live my life as I did before I met her. It will not be the same. I am in love with her, and that will stay so for a long while. I had this situation already several times ... with one woman I was in love for 6 years, in vain, nothing ever happened, but she had refused my attempts, and I just had stayed in love .... I know that situation. Another time I had stayed in love – with interruptions – for a time period of 22 years. And never got anything from that love. Quite pathetic, my love life. I want to hang myself.

But I will stay alife.

If anything should happen, if anything should change with the course of this story, I will let you, the readers of this blog, know. For now, thanks for "tuning in" into this pathetic attempt of a love relation. I am quite embarrassed for having made a big fool of myself... but I could not act differently than I did. That is how I am – I cannot change it.

I am in love with her. But I will live on, will move on.