Am still alive

So what is exactly the situation? I am left here, without any status update. The last "news" was the SMS from Mr. boyfriend. No message since.

And I keep my word: I remain silent. Although I know I will break it sometime soon again.

I need to get an answer to this question: did she give him her mobile voluntarily, or did he send this SMS without her consent? In the first case, the situation is clear: I made a complete fool of myself, and I should disappear from her life as soon as possible. In that case she is just playing with me, and her relation would be what she wants. No place for me. And I would not want to play that "external just a friend" - this is not my role.

But I do have the feeling that what he sent, was not with her consent. From what she told me the day before, from her whole situation, opinion, I somehow cannot imagine this. I would be very disappointed, if it actually would be true: that she would just make fun of me, mock my feelings for her. No, instead I think that they had an argument, and that they actually are separated now. My old wishful thinking...

But how can I find out? Today was their flight. She said she would go alone on this vacation, to get some rest. Now the message yesterday "everyting is fine"? So did they go together afterall?

I could send an SMS, but again he could answer. And even if not, I want to keep my silence for at least a few more days.

Problem is that I myself will be on travel sometime during this week... and then the next week too. Just no time to develop this relationship.

And then I need to make some decisions regarding my wife, our marriage, her moving to where I now live. We are separated, on good terms. If she loved me, she would have come with me right when I moved. If I had insisted. But I was glad to finally be alone. And I now cannot imagine to be together with her again. Expecially not with this current "situation" now.

Time is running out.

The concert yesterday evening was great. The seat next to me empty. Now for the 3rd time I paid double the price. Could not return the 2nd ticket, and I did not make any serious effort to sell it. Just in case she would show up... Miracles usually do not happen, but one has at least to give them a chance. Well, and that luxury just has its price.

Today in the afternoon I walked through a nearby park, to take a few pictures of the spring, of plants getting green. Nice balmy air, sun shining down. Many people in the park. Everywhere happy couples.

The plant in my apartment that I bought a few months ago, now also gets a few flowers. They are just about to open in the next few days. It could have been such a nice coincidence...