The Story Goes On

I had decided to visit my wife, to discuss with her our future. We do live separated from each other by an ocean and a continent, so it takes a while of travel and results in a bit of jet lag. The first days of my visit it seemed good - maybe there is a chance for a common future afterall. But then the usual argumenting set in... and I felt to be in the same miserable situation in which we had be before our separation. So again, I do not know where the future goes... I hate to hurt her...

That pathetic "love" story in which I am, made me realise that I need to evaluate several paths in my (future) life, to see in which direction I should move. Since there was now email silence for a while, I felt I had to do something, to get out of that dead end. That is why I am exploring if there is a possible future with my wife, or if that path is not feasible.

However, this Friday morning, the dead end of that new "love" story of this blog suddenly had some light: SHE had sent me an email. Asking for some advice, but also mentioning that she misses my communication... and that I should not hesitate to reply. Of course she specifically mentioned that she just wants a friendship.

This renewal of our friendship again changes the situation. I had actually known it all along, that we two belong together. And I knew that she would "come back". She must have done that despite the objections of her partner/boyfriend... - that means our relation, even if it is "only" a friendship, is worth to her a possible argument with her boyfriend. He had made it clear that he is against this our friendship. But she contacted me, despite these his wishes. Also, she knew that I would visit my wife. Now, just at that time, she seemed to want to bring herself into memory again... to make sure that I do not forget about her. What other conclusion could I draw?

I replied of course, agreeing to the friendship path. And I promised not to behave "inappropriately".

So we are again on a path towards "togetherness". Not very intense, but everything is open and possible. I will try not to be so rushing, will try to remain on the ground of friendship, of discussions of interesting topics. We do have so much to talk, to write about. And she missed this our talking. This makes me so glad, fulfills me with deep joy.

I now have to be patient. Will see how it develops. We will keep emailing, maybe not every day, but there are so many things to write about... our interest in travel, in art, in music, history, culture, science, technology... there should be plenty of material to write a few joint books together!

And I will wait.

I do not feel bad or guilte regarding her relationship. If we two feel that we belong together, then that is just a natural thing. I cannot change my feelings for her, she cannot change her "interest" in me. And I cannot help that I do exist - if the only thing that would safe her relation with her current partner, would be my disappearance or suicid, then her existing relation to her partner really is not so strong, and is not worth to be continued. It is not my fault, not our fault that we fit together so well.

Ok, I still have to admit that this our "relation" is more the wish of a relation, the love that I feel for her may be more being in love with the idea of being in love with her. But that does not matter - that is how many love stories begin. There is now some hope. And our beginning relation is on a very solid basis, the fundament seems to be of hard concrete: no games, no pretenting. I told here openly my heart, which maybe was a mistake (never be honest to a woman!), but since she is "back", it seems that it did not hurt. She knows about me, about my feelings, and this will be in the background of all her decisions and actions. And she cannot deny that we do have so many shared interests, and also have a similar outlook onto world, relationship. In addition, I feel very strongly that her character and mine would be a perfect match. We have not been together very much... and much of what I believe to know is just an extrapolation, from her emails, reactions, and from those few short meetings we had. But I feel it is enough for me to judge that I am confident that we would enjoy a great relationship together.

I love her so much, and I am so glad that we at least do have a friendship, after all that trouble. She seems determined to have that friendship. We will have to see, if from her point of view it would convert into love too, or if she would remain in her relation with her partner and just keep a friendship with me going. I will not push, but I am optimistic that we do have a great future together.