Nothing new

So I am back from the visit at my wife. I had initially gone, with the intent to discuss our relationship. I wanted to be honest - I had not yet told her about my feelings for that other wonam... so I wanted to do that. But then I had doubts: since this "love story" was going nowhere, and since not more than a simple friendship was at the horizon, should I then really tell my wife about it? We were separated for many months... and I have gotten used to that and even liked being more independent. But now, being for a few days with her, some of the old demons came back. So there were actually two things: one that I did not feel this new desired relationship was worth to tell about - if it had been progressed further, if at least I had given / received a kiss once, then there would be something to "confess". But nothing had happened... all was just in the mind. And there was another reason: I just did not want to hurt my wife. We had been together for many years. And I am just not the person to tell someone sonething that may hort that person.

So we did not talk about our relationship. It was just about general business, living, moving. etc. And now, since I am back again, I regret my silence. This is so typical for my pathetic life... I am always too quiet. Well, I had not been quiet with HER... here I somehow immediately overcame my minhibitions, my shyness. But with my wife, I just cannot be honest. Why is that? This is just another indicator that my marriage is not functioning. I shoud be easily be able to tell my wife everything... but I am not.

No emails anmyore from HER. She again is with her partner in that other town where he works... she will spend a week there. And that is the other pathetic part of my life: I am in love with someone who is in a deep relation. Here I could be honest, here I feel so much closer... but we are so much further apart...

I have no idea how to progress in my life from here. I could wait... wait until her relation has dissolved, as I expect it will happen. Or I could move together with my wife... try one more time to salvage this relationship. Although I know I will be unhappy.... but that still would be a decent thing to do. But would it really be a servise to my wife if I moved again together with her, knowing that I did not love her anymore?

I should have talked with her about this... should have overcome my cowardness... Well, there is another opportunity in a few weeks.

And meanwhile, how will I proceed with HER? I will wait for her next email, next week... There is nothing else that I can do. Maybe she now separates from him... then it would at least be clear in which direction I will move. But the odds are that she may not separate from him... and I am not sure what she has in mind for my role in her life. Just an affair? I am not sure if that is what I want.... on the other hand, why not?