Reflection

Now after 7 weeks of turbulent development, mostly just "internal" and imagined, it is time to stop and look back. I am on travel, she is with her boyfriend over the Easter days, so there is an opportunity for a break. I realize that this whole "story" has taken a different turn that I expected.

In the beginning, I thought that she would be free. It turned out that she is in a very cemented relationship, and I kept being blind towards her statements in that regard. I just looked at her actions, which seemed to be so consistent with an affection for me. But either I have to learn more about women, or she is just not behaving in the manner that would be "normal" and expected here.

I do not want to destroy this relationship in which she is involved, if she wants to preserve it. It is her decision.

But what I am still unsure about is how she actually feels, despite her clear words. I am afraid to loose something that could have any real chance (even if that chance is very tiny).

I am in love with her. Although we never met. So is this actually true? Can I say that I am in love with her, when there is nothing than a few (well, actually a few hundred) emails? Sure, she looks beautiful, is very attractive. But is this for me the only criterion? I have seen her only twice in real life; she sent me a few pictures of her, smiling. Are her looks for me the reason why I am in love? I believe not. Sure, she is "exactly" my type. But after all what we wrote to each other, I am in love with her mind, her character. Her passion for art and culture. Her way of expressing herself. Her replies, her curiosity, her friendliness. Her caring personality, her quest for peace in her life. Her interest in travel, her excitement about new places. Her reaction to photography.
I still hardly know other aspects of her, and I really hesitate to say that I am in love with her. But if I query myself, then I cannot deny my strong feelings for her. Maybe there is a better word for this than love? Well, there are just so many different types of love. I would say that this strange relation qualifies somewhere to be some kind of love.

A few weeks ago I would have imagined that by now I would know her better. But this is not the case, and I cannot predict when I would know her better. In the last email from her this Thursday evening, she mentioned now that we could meet after Easter. This was the first time that she actually set a date for this, despite that she had not yet spoken to her boyfriend and "got permission". So what does that now mean? Could this interest in me just be her interest in a friendship? That is what she claims it is. But somehow I do not believe these her words.

So what should I do?
The most reasonable thing to do would be to follow her own words, to take them as she said them: she is not interested in a relationship with me other than friendship. How much clearer can that be? I should let her live her life. No pursuits of her, no trying to break up her relationship that seems to work so well for her. Ok, even if I follow that route, then there is still the question what I should do: remain somewhere at the side as "her friend", or withdraw completely and reduce the contact with her to a bare minimum, or none at all. The latter is what she does not want. That is what she said: she would be glad to stay in touch with me, as friend. Now is that realistic? I believe that I am not able to handle this. For me, friendship with a woman is linked to relationship with her. Well, this is actually not true – I do have two wonderful friendships with women, and these are real friendships, without any relationship overtone or undertone. But with her, I do have feelings. I can deny them, to myself or towards her, I can hide them, suppress them, but they are there. So everything I would do with her, communicate, email, SMS, call, would be linked in myself with the affection for her. And it would keep hurting me, because this affection would be so hopeless, so pointless.

So actually the more reasonable thing would be to stop any contact with her. To move on with live. And although this would hurt me now, and would also hurt her since she said she would like to stay in touch with me, it would be for the better of both of us: she would continue to have her relationship, in peace and happiness, and I would move on and maybe find someone else. Maybe. Probably. There are so many women, many attractive. I am also not (yet) the oldest, the ugliest, I am ok looking, not very sportive, but reasonably active, I am open and friendly, should not be too hard to find other relationship(s). But am I ready for them? Maybe I set the bar too high. I want to find someone like her, but being free and not in a relationship. And in all my life, I have found only one who is like her: she herself. Maybe I am too specific in what I want ...

I asked my two women friends for advice in this matter. They both agreed: this is not a good situation, and I should get somehow out of it. One even called her a devil, trying to have it all, her boyfriend and that little thing with me at the side; she also called me to behave like a 17-year old, which is exactly right, I have to admit. The other friend thinks that she seems to have a completely different character than I have... and that it would be difficult to imagine us ever to get together. Also the (female) comment from Ann to one earlier blog entry indicates that I am on the wrong track here. And she herself thinks that I should get off this path.

So, to many observers, the situation is clear: I should move on. And maybe this is what I am finally going to do.