My Marriage

So here I am, following some advice I got, to consider my existing relationship, my marriage, as something that could be saved, that could provide some happiness in my life. I try hard. Since several days I am visiting my wife.

Almost one year ago was when we separated. I got a new jod, and she decided to stay behind. She did not respect my new job, did not like the environment and surroundings where we would live.

And I enjoyed the time without here, I did not miss her a bit. We have been married since more than 15 years. No children. In the beginning there was love, affection. Then it went away, in the daily routine of everyday life. Since many years, it was just as if we are two people living together.

Many things about here make me upset, but I kept my mouth shut. That is probably a mistake. But that is what seemed to keep this "relation" alive: me just silently bearing everything without complaints. She covers that part very well, sarcastic complaints about everything.

She keeps talking, no matter if I am interested or not. I keep quiet. I help her returning things to the mall which she bought. She brings back about 90% of the purchases. I do have some ethical concerns here... but when I mentioned them, I just get brushed off. I once mentioned that it might not be so nice to borrow more than 60 books from the library at once... but only angry replies from her.

I just canot stand her anymore! Do I have to, just because I gave that promise once, many many years ago?

I do not feel any love for her, but I do have a certain commitment. And that is another thing that makes me paralysed. I cannot move on from here...

Relationship without love, and love without relationship. Really pathetic.

I have decided to visit here, to assess our situation, and to talk to her. So far, I have only done the first part. There is still a week left, to honestly talk to her. She now wants to be together with me, but I do not want to be with her. "In good times and in bad times"... so far we actually were luck enough to have only good times. It would have been only normal for her to move with me, but no, she stayed behind. Out of convenience concerns.

I completely feel detached from her, no affection, nothing.
Marriage-prison.

If I would be in love with her, I would have not fallen in love with anyone else....

And so it goes on, my pathetic life. Will I have the courage to change it?
The first step would be to separate from my wife, legally and finally. Then I would be really free, at least in that dimension. Then I could consider what to do regarding my "love". Actually, I am so sick of this love... it is not productive, it paralyses me, it is good for nothing, gives no pleasure, just pain.

No, I really had enough of relationshippy stuff...