Addiction

Friday a week ago, on Feb.23, she had continued our email conversation. She began her mail with "I am a bit addicted to writing to you". Of course, this statement again was like pouring oil into the fire... why is she doing this? The whole weekend I was quite happy about this her "addiction". I sent her back an acknowledgement, stating that I do not mind at all. Then there was silence. Did she realise that she might have gone too far? Or did something happen in her relation toher fiancee which she was struggling with now? I did not want to ask, since that again would put me in a situation of dependency. If she wanted to tell me something, she always could. I imagined that she would argue with her fiancee, that she is sick of her wedding preparations, that she changed her mind.

But the whole week relative silence. A "harmless" email on Wednesday, not revealing anything, not talking abour addiction, not about relation. I realise that she is well on her track, towards her wedding, towards her planned future. And my own role in this is set to remain at the side. She seems to want me there, to be always there for her in case of an "emergency", but non-committal.

This is not what I want. I have remained silent myself. And I am not going to pursue anything. I have humiliated myself enough in this. It is time to move on in life. Yes, she is beautiful. Gorgeous in fact. And she has interests that align with myself: art, music, intellectual discussions. But she has chosen her guy, and I have to accept this. Maybe a simple friendship from afar is possible. Maybe not. Who cares.

Somehow I feel pity for her fiancee... the fact that she looks for advice from me and not from him is quite strange. Her fiancee should be rightfully upset about this.

Time for me to move on. Let's see if I am strong enough to do this.