And: a meeting with her.

It actually happened. We met.
Last year, she had been very reluctant towards my attempts to get a meeting with her, to be together face to face, to talk directly to each other rather than by email. This time now, she had actually asked for it. Well, not really asked, but offered.
This morning today I got her reply that she is available, has some time. And I would have something to do today not far from her work place, so I suggested I will stop by, and we can have a coffee.

I was not really excited or nervous. I knew that nothing new would happen. That is exactly why she had agreed to a meeting: the "danger" is over, seen from her viewpoint. She has made it clear, in words, in actions, that she has her goals from which I cannot deter her. And I have accepted these conditions of friendship. So from her point, there is no problem in meeting me now: the wedding train is running at high speed, cannot be stopped anymore.

And I had agreed to these "conditions", had silently accepted them. But still, in my the hope just does not want to die.

I came to her work, she met me outside of her office. How beautiful she looked. And in her face the expression of plain joy, to see me. We hugged - I did not know what was allowed, but I gave her an embrace. No kiss.
Then we talked. About her work. Of course I could not resist giving her advice to all kinds of things, and she was so happy. Yes, I know, she needs this "relation" for quite egotistical selfish reasons, but I do not mind. Her fiancee seems not able to give her all this advice that she needs - what kind of a moron must he be that she does not turn to him? What kind of a stupido is she that she does not realise this?
Well, I kept my friendly-distant facade. Time went by fast, we had a coffee together, then I had to go to take care of my own professional business. Again a hug, a friendly look.

I enjoyed so much her company, and I know that she did enjoy mine. We just kept talking with each other, listening to each other, smiling, joking, it seems we fit to each other so well in terms of our character. Nothing about her could ever upset me. She could tell me everything, I see no fault in anything that she does. If she would make a mistake or show a wrong judgement, I would smilingly tell her, without any bad feelings, and she would gladly listen to my advice. She would respond with intelligence, and I would admire her spirit and smartness. She is highly intelligent - I admire this in women! She can talk wonderful, express herself so well-spoken, can make thought connections in the most amazing way.

Yes, I am not quite objective, but I am in love with her. No reasonable explanation for this. And she knows it. And probably enjoys knowing it, although we did not talk about it at all. I asked about the wedding, and she told me about the huge amount of preparations. No hesitation in her telling me this, she smilingly proudly showed me the engagement ring. Yes, we just will have a friendship now, nothing more.

After I left, I was glad that we had met. I want to meet her again in the next days, want to talk more with her, just be in her presence. Although I know it is just a self-betrayal - there is no hope for anything.

In the evening, some usual arguments with my wife. We go shopping. I push the shopping cart along the long neon-lit empty isles. Full of an incredible sadness, I stare at the products left and right, not really noticing what I am looking at. I feel no appetite for any food.

Some people will just never achieve happiness. I will have to get used to this, that I will not be happy in my life, ever. My destiny is just something else. Maybe creating something meaningful, writing, or developing a product that is of use to others. But not my own happiness. I gave up on that. Well, as long as she is happy with her guy. I will survive. There will be many years coming. This was just the first year "with" her, with my obsession, my infatuation. These infatuations last very long, I know that from my past. I will just have to learn to do something with my unhappiness, channel it into productivity.

Arguments with my wife, about money, about spending. I like to earn money, then spend it. She wants to save it. Everything I want to buy, needs "approval", undergoes scrutiny. Do I need this in my life? I doubt if it was such a great idea to get together again with my wife...

So I will keep dreaming, about the impossible. The only happiness is in imagining the impossible. Fortunately I have my dreams. Nobody can take those away.

I know I will have to meet her again.

When we met today, she wanted to send me another email later, with some info. I did not yet get that email... how is she feeling? What is she thinking? Does she have doubts about her wedding? Or is she just distracted, busy? I dare to hope that this wedding desaster can still be stopped... I think she is about to make a big mistake, ruin her life for the next few years. This guy, her fiancee, does not seem to be able to help her when she needs it. Maybe I also should refuse to help her, so that she is forced to go to him, as a true wife should. But I do not want to refuse her, I always will be ready to help her, like a poor sucker.

Is this only a myth that men are logical? I do not seem to be logical. Am I a typical man? Or am I an exception from the rule here? Are all the other men hiding their feelings, their affections? Most men seem so reasonable, so stable, well in control. What is it with me that I cannot get my act together?