Bleak future

In the next few weeks she will be on travel. Very busy. Then will be the wedding. She is looking forward to that event, is planning big-time.
Ok. She shell go through the hell of marriage, if she wants to. She soon will find out who bad it really is. Right now she only sees her fiancee on weekends. From my own experience, such a relationship covers all the possible cracks - the pretious short time together is used so that possible conflicts are buried, are not apparent. But once they live together, these conflicts will come up. I know this, from my own experience. And I know that she will suffer, since she is in some ways quite similar to me: quiet, not pushing conflicts, but avoiding them, trying to be as accommodating as possible.

I can warn her, but this will be (rightfully) seen as my attempt to win her, to destroy her relationship - and then I would be the "bad guy". So I have no other choice than to accept her choice, and let her run into her misery. I predict that in a few years she will get a divorce. Allthough, if she is like me, then she will get no divorce, but swallow all the pain and discomfort... without rebellion. Well, then she will flee into my arms, her husband will discover this, and then he will divorce her.

But by the time this will happen, in a few decades, I will be walking with a cane...

No hope. Incredible sadness.
I finally have to pull myself together and walk away from this, from her. Maybe I meet another woman eventually... but none compares to her, I am spoilt now.

No point in whining and whimpering... I have to move on. Happiness is just not my thing. Some people have it in their life, some don't. I am looking ahead into a very dark-grey future.

Should I shoot myself on her wedding day? Naaa. I am not that crazy - and I am way too curious to see how this story continues.

If anyone who reads this here, is a screen writer, contact me for the rights on this :) Actually, I do not write this, but life writes it. So I do not really have the copyright on this story...

Back to incredible sadness.

And: a meeting with her.

It actually happened. We met.
Last year, she had been very reluctant towards my attempts to get a meeting with her, to be together face to face, to talk directly to each other rather than by email. This time now, she had actually asked for it. Well, not really asked, but offered.
This morning today I got her reply that she is available, has some time. And I would have something to do today not far from her work place, so I suggested I will stop by, and we can have a coffee.

I was not really excited or nervous. I knew that nothing new would happen. That is exactly why she had agreed to a meeting: the "danger" is over, seen from her viewpoint. She has made it clear, in words, in actions, that she has her goals from which I cannot deter her. And I have accepted these conditions of friendship. So from her point, there is no problem in meeting me now: the wedding train is running at high speed, cannot be stopped anymore.

And I had agreed to these "conditions", had silently accepted them. But still, in my the hope just does not want to die.

I came to her work, she met me outside of her office. How beautiful she looked. And in her face the expression of plain joy, to see me. We hugged - I did not know what was allowed, but I gave her an embrace. No kiss.
Then we talked. About her work. Of course I could not resist giving her advice to all kinds of things, and she was so happy. Yes, I know, she needs this "relation" for quite egotistical selfish reasons, but I do not mind. Her fiancee seems not able to give her all this advice that she needs - what kind of a moron must he be that she does not turn to him? What kind of a stupido is she that she does not realise this?
Well, I kept my friendly-distant facade. Time went by fast, we had a coffee together, then I had to go to take care of my own professional business. Again a hug, a friendly look.

I enjoyed so much her company, and I know that she did enjoy mine. We just kept talking with each other, listening to each other, smiling, joking, it seems we fit to each other so well in terms of our character. Nothing about her could ever upset me. She could tell me everything, I see no fault in anything that she does. If she would make a mistake or show a wrong judgement, I would smilingly tell her, without any bad feelings, and she would gladly listen to my advice. She would respond with intelligence, and I would admire her spirit and smartness. She is highly intelligent - I admire this in women! She can talk wonderful, express herself so well-spoken, can make thought connections in the most amazing way.

Yes, I am not quite objective, but I am in love with her. No reasonable explanation for this. And she knows it. And probably enjoys knowing it, although we did not talk about it at all. I asked about the wedding, and she told me about the huge amount of preparations. No hesitation in her telling me this, she smilingly proudly showed me the engagement ring. Yes, we just will have a friendship now, nothing more.

After I left, I was glad that we had met. I want to meet her again in the next days, want to talk more with her, just be in her presence. Although I know it is just a self-betrayal - there is no hope for anything.

In the evening, some usual arguments with my wife. We go shopping. I push the shopping cart along the long neon-lit empty isles. Full of an incredible sadness, I stare at the products left and right, not really noticing what I am looking at. I feel no appetite for any food.

Some people will just never achieve happiness. I will have to get used to this, that I will not be happy in my life, ever. My destiny is just something else. Maybe creating something meaningful, writing, or developing a product that is of use to others. But not my own happiness. I gave up on that. Well, as long as she is happy with her guy. I will survive. There will be many years coming. This was just the first year "with" her, with my obsession, my infatuation. These infatuations last very long, I know that from my past. I will just have to learn to do something with my unhappiness, channel it into productivity.

Arguments with my wife, about money, about spending. I like to earn money, then spend it. She wants to save it. Everything I want to buy, needs "approval", undergoes scrutiny. Do I need this in my life? I doubt if it was such a great idea to get together again with my wife...

So I will keep dreaming, about the impossible. The only happiness is in imagining the impossible. Fortunately I have my dreams. Nobody can take those away.

I know I will have to meet her again.

When we met today, she wanted to send me another email later, with some info. I did not yet get that email... how is she feeling? What is she thinking? Does she have doubts about her wedding? Or is she just distracted, busy? I dare to hope that this wedding desaster can still be stopped... I think she is about to make a big mistake, ruin her life for the next few years. This guy, her fiancee, does not seem to be able to help her when she needs it. Maybe I also should refuse to help her, so that she is forced to go to him, as a true wife should. But I do not want to refuse her, I always will be ready to help her, like a poor sucker.

Is this only a myth that men are logical? I do not seem to be logical. Am I a typical man? Or am I an exception from the rule here? Are all the other men hiding their feelings, their affections? Most men seem so reasonable, so stable, well in control. What is it with me that I cannot get my act together?

Invitation - for a coffee!

After more than a year, she finally "issued" an invitation to meet for a coffee.

Last week I had resisted the temptation, and I remained silent. Then as the weekend approached, I could not keep my hands from the keyboard away, and I sent her a short email. Nothing special, just asking how things were. She replied, and she offered to meet for a coffee sometime. Last year, I had tried hard to meet with her, as she struggled to find a way coping with this new and strange "friendship". But now we know each other already for more than a year, and it could be about time that we have an informal meeting. The "fronts" have been set clearly. The limits have been established. In my emails I mentioned her wedding, but she did not answer my questions. What does that mean? Probably nothing.

I know that this meeting will result in nothing. She is on her way to get married, with the guy of her choice. But she still wants me around somehow, and she feels probably now more secure in dealing with me than she did last year. Well, ok, so what should I do?

I have decided that we would meet today. Yesterday I sent her a brief note that I would be available, and this morning I got the reply that she would be available too - so we actually will meet again! Last time I saw her was last June...

Under any point of view of consideration, it is about time to "normalize" this relationship. To take it down from that fuzzy nebulous area of phantasy into the real world. Even if that means to face the reality, that there is no hope.

But there is always a potential for a "normal" solid simple friendship. I am willing to dare that. I am willing to get disappointed, as so often... and I will meet her today.

Addiction

Friday a week ago, on Feb.23, she had continued our email conversation. She began her mail with "I am a bit addicted to writing to you". Of course, this statement again was like pouring oil into the fire... why is she doing this? The whole weekend I was quite happy about this her "addiction". I sent her back an acknowledgement, stating that I do not mind at all. Then there was silence. Did she realise that she might have gone too far? Or did something happen in her relation toher fiancee which she was struggling with now? I did not want to ask, since that again would put me in a situation of dependency. If she wanted to tell me something, she always could. I imagined that she would argue with her fiancee, that she is sick of her wedding preparations, that she changed her mind.

But the whole week relative silence. A "harmless" email on Wednesday, not revealing anything, not talking abour addiction, not about relation. I realise that she is well on her track, towards her wedding, towards her planned future. And my own role in this is set to remain at the side. She seems to want me there, to be always there for her in case of an "emergency", but non-committal.

This is not what I want. I have remained silent myself. And I am not going to pursue anything. I have humiliated myself enough in this. It is time to move on in life. Yes, she is beautiful. Gorgeous in fact. And she has interests that align with myself: art, music, intellectual discussions. But she has chosen her guy, and I have to accept this. Maybe a simple friendship from afar is possible. Maybe not. Who cares.

Somehow I feel pity for her fiancee... the fact that she looks for advice from me and not from him is quite strange. Her fiancee should be rightfully upset about this.

Time for me to move on. Let's see if I am strong enough to do this.