Travel adventures

On my travel, from which I just came back yesterday, Saturday night, I had some interesting experiences. In the meeting which I attended, there were two beautiful young women. And there were a few guys, middle-aged over 50 years old, who just kept hitting on them, in the most inappropriate way. They constantly made sexual remarks, talked in the meeting breaks about relationships, and in the evening during our joint dinner, they wanted to get them to join them into the casinos and the nightlife of the town. If it would have been in the US, they would have been sued for harrassment. But the meeting took place in Europe...

This spectacle was truly amazing - and embarrasing. I felt sorry for these two girls. One of the guys talked about marriage in his country - how you lock up your wife and then go out to the others' wifes. Another guy mentioned that the marriage ring on his finger is only valid in his home country. Now that he is abroad, this ring has no validity. What a bunch of jerks! And I was worried about my own "inappropriate" behavior...

These two girls are actually very nice. I too am attracted to them. But I would not know what would be an appropriate way to "approach" them. I never had any "one-night-stands" in my life, only "serious" long-term relationships. Maybe I should start now? The stress of my ongoing relationship struggle is quite annoying - it would be so good to have a simple sexual relationship, nothing serious, but just enjoying each other for a few hours.

In the evening, I have the honor to escort them both to the restaurant, where a table has been reserved for all of us; since nobody else is ready yet, I accompany these two girls, so that we can claim the table. Theb both seem to like me, are friendly and nice. I seem to be the most trustworthy in the group. :) If they only knew...

After midnight, as we all separate, the group of chauvinist men still try their attempts to drag the girls along, but they had made up their mind - one quickly dissappears with her colleague who gives her a lift home, the other one stays in the hotel. I could make a move, to go together to the bar with her, chat a little, then simply propose to spend a night together. Is that how this is done? Isn't that too emarrassing, too direct? Maybe it should be tried a 100 times, and if it works only one time, it may be worth it.

But of course I do not do it. I would have liked to... but then my unfullfilled pathetic love story is looming in the background, and I just cannot go through with this. If I could rewind time two months back, then I would have tried it. Who never tries, never wins. But so, everybody just goes up to their own rooms in the hotel.

The chauvinist guys stand there, left alone for the night, as the girls dissappear.

Hanging in there, without contact

Of course, I could not keep my course for a very long time. My course of silence that is. As I began my travel, I sent her a daily SMS, within the "allowed" and appropriate time between 10a and 5p. I know that this did not make any sense, considering the events of that past weekend, but what the hell.

No message back from her, probably her phone is empty again, as it has been several times in the past. My anger over her got slowly replaced by the relief that she is ok. I still cannot just give up. Nothing actually has been solved or finalized. Ok, she is with him on vacation. After an almost break-up, she went with him. But knowing her, knowing what she must feel now (knowing? I am an idiot.), knowing what she needs and wants, I belief that her relation with him is doomed. I assume that they have some serious talks during this vacation. If she is honest to him, she would tell him everything. I know that she loves me, although she has not ever said so. I intend to go through her emails and SMS, to make a compendium of all what she said that makes me interpret her feelings in that way.

This next week she will be returning. I, however, will again be on travel, and will return only on Sunday night. So there is still a whole week in silence. She will read my emails by midweek when she goes to work. I had sent quite a mad mail last Saturday, as I had gotten the SMS from her boyfriend. Then later an apologetic mail. Then more mails, about my travel. I could not stay quiet. She will then read all these emails. And she will have to finalise her decision. Either she stays with him. Then I will back off and move on with my life. Or she will leave him - then I will be ready for a relation with her. This decision will be made this week while I am on travel. So when I return on next Sunday, the situation will be clear.

This week was the longest time since the beginning that we had no contact to each other. Absolute silence. No SMS beep, no Outlook beep, no Google Gmail notification of an incoming mail from her. Nothing. And the same on her side - she cannot receive anything, the phone depleted. How does she take it? Just enjoying the beach and the boyfriend?

stupid smiley

Why does she have to put that stupid smiley in the SMS?
This is absolutely not appropriate.

I think, my woman friend was right who called her a devil... she wants to play with me, keep me close, but at a distance at the same time.

Now, I imagine me in her boyfriend's place... and it becomes clear that this is not the type of woman I want to be with.

She wants us both.

Well, at least now that I know she is ok, I will have a good night sleep.

they are ok

Just got an SMS from her.

"Yes, we are ok thanks :)"

I am so relieved.

Now back to the standard mode. "we". That means he is there to.
That means she is with him.

That means I should shut up and disappear from her life.

Ok.

NOOOO!

Just got the news from the bombings in Egypt.
THAT IS WHERE SHE WENT FOR HER VACATION!!!!

I tremble, sent her a SMS, but I do not know if she can receive them. I hope that she is ok. I am not even sure in which town she is - she has not told me anything.

My stomach cramps together - I want to throw up.

My worries drive me mad - it is horrible to be far away, not being able to know how she is, not being able to help her if she needs help.

Now in addition to all that story, this had to happen. DAMNED ISLAMIST ASSHOLES!

If something happened to her, I swear I will exercise revenge on your shitty religion!

Now this will be again a night without sleep, hoping that she replies with an SMS, at least to acknowledge that she is ok.

Am still alive

So what is exactly the situation? I am left here, without any status update. The last "news" was the SMS from Mr. boyfriend. No message since.

And I keep my word: I remain silent. Although I know I will break it sometime soon again.

I need to get an answer to this question: did she give him her mobile voluntarily, or did he send this SMS without her consent? In the first case, the situation is clear: I made a complete fool of myself, and I should disappear from her life as soon as possible. In that case she is just playing with me, and her relation would be what she wants. No place for me. And I would not want to play that "external just a friend" - this is not my role.

But I do have the feeling that what he sent, was not with her consent. From what she told me the day before, from her whole situation, opinion, I somehow cannot imagine this. I would be very disappointed, if it actually would be true: that she would just make fun of me, mock my feelings for her. No, instead I think that they had an argument, and that they actually are separated now. My old wishful thinking...

But how can I find out? Today was their flight. She said she would go alone on this vacation, to get some rest. Now the message yesterday "everyting is fine"? So did they go together afterall?

I could send an SMS, but again he could answer. And even if not, I want to keep my silence for at least a few more days.

Problem is that I myself will be on travel sometime during this week... and then the next week too. Just no time to develop this relationship.

And then I need to make some decisions regarding my wife, our marriage, her moving to where I now live. We are separated, on good terms. If she loved me, she would have come with me right when I moved. If I had insisted. But I was glad to finally be alone. And I now cannot imagine to be together with her again. Expecially not with this current "situation" now.

Time is running out.

The concert yesterday evening was great. The seat next to me empty. Now for the 3rd time I paid double the price. Could not return the 2nd ticket, and I did not make any serious effort to sell it. Just in case she would show up... Miracles usually do not happen, but one has at least to give them a chance. Well, and that luxury just has its price.

Today in the afternoon I walked through a nearby park, to take a few pictures of the spring, of plants getting green. Nice balmy air, sun shining down. Many people in the park. Everywhere happy couples.

The plant in my apartment that I bought a few months ago, now also gets a few flowers. They are just about to open in the next few days. It could have been such a nice coincidence...

Furious Finale.

Well, I cannot say that I have not been warned. The nice comment I got last week in this blog, my woman friends... I should have known. But love makes blind.

When going through that story until now, what can be learned from this? Probably nothing. Each story has its own twists, generalisations rarely can be made, specific situations cannot be transferred to other situations.

I just have to realize that I am an idiot. Something that you who read this whole think knew anyway. Yes, I should have known.

Ok, what happened?
I stayed awake late. So as not to miss her SOS-SMS. But that never came. I got up early in the morning. No new email, no SMS. Silence.

Is she in a hotel now, as she mentioned she would do?
What is the situation?

I am curious, but I do not want to send her an SMS. At least not before 10:00, as she had indicated in one of her rules yesterday, for the proper SMS conduct.

Then, I cannot hold myself back, and I send an SMS, asking if everything is ok? Her reply "everything is fine".

So what now?
This means she is back with him. All the hope from yesterday gone. I have to realize that I only will be at the outside. No matter what I imply, no matter what I believe that she maybe feels... the fact is that she is with him, and she wants to be with him. And I idiot simply have to accept that.

One last try: I reply with the SMS, asking then, since everything is fine, if she would come to the concert tonight. Afterall, if her boyfriend now is ok with her and me as a friend, then it should be no problem, to go out in friendship. No reply.

Ok, as I expected.

I run some Saturday morning errands. When I am back in my apartment, then suddenly an SMS comes. I now even resent looking at it, do not want to open it at all. It can only be something disappointing.

It is worse than that: it is a message from her boyfriend, on her phone. He says, everything is fine, and that I am acting inappropriately.

So here I have it. Made a complete fool of myself. That serves me right.

To save the last rest of dignity that I have, I write an email to her. A Good-bye. No more comms from me after that. She has the power to decide, and she has decided.

Then I reply to the SMS - it goes to her phone, but since Mr. boyfriend seems to have the control there, I address him directly. It took me a while, to get together all the courage to do this... but what the hell. I write that they are not married, and therefore, nothing is inappropriate. I also mention I will be quiet now, and that it is her choice.

And that is it.

A truly pathetic story. Does not deserve the title "Story of a Love". Better would be titled the "story of a moron".

I am still in love with her. I want to hang myself on a rope outside the window. But I will go to the concert tonight. Alone.
Maybe the boyfriend is there, will stab me or shoot me. I will gladly accept that death. (so watch the news, maybe you hear about me)

(ok, I am just kidding, no need to call 911 :) I am just trying to make a point here, about how desperate I am. That is what happens when someone like me grows up with watching too many soap operas :) )


I will now move on. I will not write her anymore. No emails, no SMS. No phone call. No going out to a gallery, to art, to music, nothing. No help at her work. No advice. I cannot be the good friend in the background.

Maybe there is somewhere someone like her. Just without an oboxious boyfriend.

I am quite unhappy. Really pathetic picture, full of self pity.
But what should I have done differently? I did what I felt needed to be done. I just have to accept reality: she wants a relation with her boyfriend, and not with me. Despite all her contradictory acting. I have to learn a lot more about women, I guess. (What about the fact that she would accept to stay for a while in my apartment??? Oh forget it... well, at least my apartment is presentable now, after my quick cleaning Friday night)

And unless something happens, I will stop writing in this blog. But I will leave it here online, as a monument to moronic behavior. I hate love! The worst thing that can happen to a man, is to fall in love.

Rapid Development!

I am quite breathless now. What has happened in the past few hours, beyond my control, could mean the breakthrough. Finally.

But let me start at the beginning.

The whole day on Friday relative silence. I am so glad that yesterday, Thursday, it worked out so well, with her and me meeting, informally, quite harmless, in public, just enjoying art, and getting to know each other finally from face to face. Such a pleasant evening. But from her no reply to my email. By noon I am again worried. Maybe she has concerns? I had sent her a link to a page where I had posted a few photographs that I made. In the afternoon a brief reply, but only with respect to the pictures. No mention of our evening.
I reply, talking a bit about taking photographs etc. Then we keep sending a few mails back and forth. Finally a comment from her regarding yesterday: she asks me to keep it quiet. She will not mention it to her boyfriend.
That is interesting. She has a bad conscience? But nothing really happened. However, since he knows her "interest" in the friendship with me, he is obviously easy to upset, and she wants to keep him at ease. Well, this is not exactly truthful of her, but I will play along. She also asks me to keep a low profile as she will be on travel next week - I should not send SMS at night, and not write anything inappropriate. I will comply with this, at least for now. In the future she should think of a better solution.

Then, a few hours later, it is already early evening, an email from her - she had a phone conversation with him. He actually had asked if she went with me. And she lied - denied it. But he did not buy it. And so they had a long argument on the phone. And then she told him that she actually met me. Suddenly this becomes a serious situation. I am right in the middle of it. Did I want this? If she decided to stay with him, then I would make no move to destroy her relationship. But if she would decide to "give me a chance", then of course I would not hesitate to continue.

Here I am facing now that big dilema, which has some ethical implications: should I, am I allowed to destroy an existing relationship? Well, I am actually not destroying anything. Just me being in love is not a crime. This cannot be avoided, and I cannot do anything against it. Then, she is in a relationship, but not in a marriage. She can do what ever she wants. If the relationship is good and strong, I would not matter at all, and she would continue her relationship completely unharmed. The plain fact that I do exist and that I love her, should not matter to her relationship - unless she feels that a possible relationship with me would be what she would want. In this case, I need to be there, available, open for her. I cannot just say to myself that there is a relationship, and that is sacrosanct, and I cannot do anything to damage it. I do not do it deliberately, but if my presence and my love damages this relationship, then maybe that relationship is not worth being preserved.

I am not playing any foul tricks. I had kept in the background, whenever she wanted me to remain there. I did not send SMS when it would be inappropriate. So I will continue this mode.

But now I am suddenly the center of her dispute with the boyfriend. And for the first time, she mentions she would leave him.

Now this is something unexpected. If she considers leaving him, then I shall be on her side. But of course, I also do not want to appear as to exploit her vulnerable situation now. Maybe her relationship is actually something really great, which is good for her life. Maybe I would not be the right person for her?

Such self-doubts are of course poisson in such a situation. Where is now my self-confidence? I am actually 100% sure that we two belong together. I have never been in the presence of such a woman with whom I could enjoy every aspect of her. It is mostly the mind of her with which I am in love, through all our emails. But of course, she is attractive, and we would make such a nice couple.

I offer her my help. She considers not going home tonight, staying at her work, sleeping in the office. I offer her the guest room in my apartment. She thanks, might actually consider it for a few days.

Now that is a completely changed situation. I cannot believe how fast it went this way. Is this really becoming true? I immediately begin cleaning the apartment, vacuum, clean the floors, remove the garbage, to convert that bachelor household into something that is presentable to a woman.

Shortly before 10:00p she leaves work, goes home afterall, to have a talk with her boyfriend. She would notify me in case she would need my support.

And so I am waiting now.

The first real meeting!

It came quite unexpected. Our emails this week were quite banal, just about work etc. I was already at home, had sent her an email, again reminding her of a concert for which I had tickets for two. So much for my refusing her a meeting... Her reply just 5 minutes after my email. She again declines the concert invitation. Not possible. But there would be today in the evening a vernissage, an exhibition of paintings in the ground floor of her apartment building. I could come on my way home from work.

I immediately realise that this was an actual invitation to meet her! Quick revision of my thinking. I am in love her, so why not take the chance to finally bring this relation into the "real world". Then we could see if this actually would develop into something real, instead of being this weird remote-longing-thing. Instead of sending her an email reply, I decide instead to call her. She sounds somewhat reluctant, seemingly afraid of her own courage. Tells me she has to work longer today, so it would be late. I could go there alone. But then she tells me, I should send her an SMS when I am going. This is the clear signal that she wants to meet me.

Ok. I cannot wait. Drive to the place. I do not have her address, just an approximate description of the building. I have never been in that neighborhood, cannot find a parking, and then I do not know which building it is exactly. It is already getting darker. So I SMS her for directions. She is still at work. She suggests then to meet me half way. I drive up to her work place. There she walks, coming towards me. Even as the darkness slowly sets in, I recognise her immediately. I stop, wave, open the door. She gets in the car.

A brief glance at each other, then I drive on as I would otherwise block the traffic. Immediately we talk as if we have known us for ages. Which is actually true: almost 8 weeks! Such a familiarity, a natural nice conversation. She gives directions to her home, then we park. Go to the reception and the vernissage. They serve wine. Paintings hang in the hallway, in an unfinished concrete basement-type of environment. Lots of people in suits there, then some crazy looking ones - the artists. We walk together from painting to painting, talking about them, the impressions, the observations, our opinions. Just wonderful. Sometimes we look at each other, but I keep the friendship look. There is a certain magic in this, and I enjoy this fully. It feels as if we have known each other for so long already. And this is our first real meeting. This shows that with the online email communication, one actually can build a relationship. For 1 1/2 hours we are together in this event, meet one of the crazy artists who poses in from of his work, and we talk with him. Interesting, weird character. Talks bad about the other artist's works. That seems to be how you can recognise an artist: someone who has strong opinions about art and how it should be.

Then the moment of separation. We walk outside. She accompanies me to my car. Then I hesitate. How should I behave now? Like the friendly colleague from work, just good-bye and go? A handshake would feel stupid here. Or a surprise hug? But I need to respect her wishes. She has made it clear that all she wants is a friendship. But I simply cannot just let her go like this. So I do something a bit half-hearted: as we just turn away, I put my hand on her shoulder, move my head forward, close to her head, our heads touch slightly. And that is it. We move on into our different directions.

Later from home I send a brief Good-night SMS, and her good-night reply follows in a few minutes.

So what should I think now about this?
I need some more time, to get clear about myself. A few more meetings with her, to see if there actually could be a relation. If she does not want to give up her existing relation, then I have the choice to either withdraw, or just to continue, accepting that I will be just "the thing on the side". I might do that for a while, forgetting my pride and self respect. Maybe.

But for now I simply enjoy the memories of that nice innocent magical evening with her. And for a while, I am truly happy.

I do not want to meet her.

It is hard to get her "out of my system". I try, but I keep thinking of her. I am back in town from my Easter travel, she is back from her weekend with her boyfriend. They travelled together through the countryside, then visited his family. A nice and happy couple.

I have to get over it. And I already reduced my emails. By the end of this week I want to tell her that we should stop writing each other. That it is pointless, and that she should focus on her relationship, maybe try to find what she thinks she can have with me, instead with her boyfriend. This seems what she wants. And I would finally go back to the situation as it was 8 weeks ago, before I knew her. I lived a (more or less) happy bachelor life, separated from wife with whom the relation/marriage had gone sour, alone, could do whatever I wanted, any time. And now I am bound, by her. This is not what I want to continue.

I will suggest to her that we should not meet. Even if she suggested that last week that we should meet now after Easter. I will point out that there may be a risk in such a meeting, that she and I could become quite unhappy. So better separate our ways, as if we never have met. I am going to write to her this Friday, before she goes again on holiday travel.

Reflection

Now after 7 weeks of turbulent development, mostly just "internal" and imagined, it is time to stop and look back. I am on travel, she is with her boyfriend over the Easter days, so there is an opportunity for a break. I realize that this whole "story" has taken a different turn that I expected.

In the beginning, I thought that she would be free. It turned out that she is in a very cemented relationship, and I kept being blind towards her statements in that regard. I just looked at her actions, which seemed to be so consistent with an affection for me. But either I have to learn more about women, or she is just not behaving in the manner that would be "normal" and expected here.

I do not want to destroy this relationship in which she is involved, if she wants to preserve it. It is her decision.

But what I am still unsure about is how she actually feels, despite her clear words. I am afraid to loose something that could have any real chance (even if that chance is very tiny).

I am in love with her. Although we never met. So is this actually true? Can I say that I am in love with her, when there is nothing than a few (well, actually a few hundred) emails? Sure, she looks beautiful, is very attractive. But is this for me the only criterion? I have seen her only twice in real life; she sent me a few pictures of her, smiling. Are her looks for me the reason why I am in love? I believe not. Sure, she is "exactly" my type. But after all what we wrote to each other, I am in love with her mind, her character. Her passion for art and culture. Her way of expressing herself. Her replies, her curiosity, her friendliness. Her caring personality, her quest for peace in her life. Her interest in travel, her excitement about new places. Her reaction to photography.
I still hardly know other aspects of her, and I really hesitate to say that I am in love with her. But if I query myself, then I cannot deny my strong feelings for her. Maybe there is a better word for this than love? Well, there are just so many different types of love. I would say that this strange relation qualifies somewhere to be some kind of love.

A few weeks ago I would have imagined that by now I would know her better. But this is not the case, and I cannot predict when I would know her better. In the last email from her this Thursday evening, she mentioned now that we could meet after Easter. This was the first time that she actually set a date for this, despite that she had not yet spoken to her boyfriend and "got permission". So what does that now mean? Could this interest in me just be her interest in a friendship? That is what she claims it is. But somehow I do not believe these her words.

So what should I do?
The most reasonable thing to do would be to follow her own words, to take them as she said them: she is not interested in a relationship with me other than friendship. How much clearer can that be? I should let her live her life. No pursuits of her, no trying to break up her relationship that seems to work so well for her. Ok, even if I follow that route, then there is still the question what I should do: remain somewhere at the side as "her friend", or withdraw completely and reduce the contact with her to a bare minimum, or none at all. The latter is what she does not want. That is what she said: she would be glad to stay in touch with me, as friend. Now is that realistic? I believe that I am not able to handle this. For me, friendship with a woman is linked to relationship with her. Well, this is actually not true – I do have two wonderful friendships with women, and these are real friendships, without any relationship overtone or undertone. But with her, I do have feelings. I can deny them, to myself or towards her, I can hide them, suppress them, but they are there. So everything I would do with her, communicate, email, SMS, call, would be linked in myself with the affection for her. And it would keep hurting me, because this affection would be so hopeless, so pointless.

So actually the more reasonable thing would be to stop any contact with her. To move on with live. And although this would hurt me now, and would also hurt her since she said she would like to stay in touch with me, it would be for the better of both of us: she would continue to have her relationship, in peace and happiness, and I would move on and maybe find someone else. Maybe. Probably. There are so many women, many attractive. I am also not (yet) the oldest, the ugliest, I am ok looking, not very sportive, but reasonably active, I am open and friendly, should not be too hard to find other relationship(s). But am I ready for them? Maybe I set the bar too high. I want to find someone like her, but being free and not in a relationship. And in all my life, I have found only one who is like her: she herself. Maybe I am too specific in what I want ...

I asked my two women friends for advice in this matter. They both agreed: this is not a good situation, and I should get somehow out of it. One even called her a devil, trying to have it all, her boyfriend and that little thing with me at the side; she also called me to behave like a 17-year old, which is exactly right, I have to admit. The other friend thinks that she seems to have a completely different character than I have... and that it would be difficult to imagine us ever to get together. Also the (female) comment from Ann to one earlier blog entry indicates that I am on the wrong track here. And she herself thinks that I should get off this path.

So, to many observers, the situation is clear: I should move on. And maybe this is what I am finally going to do.

Over.

Her reply to my email came in the early evening. Silence the whole day, she must have been thinking.

She seemed somewhat distraught. Mentioned that she definitely wants to stay with her boyfriend. But that she appreciates my friendship.

Well, then I do not have another choice. I take a deep breath. And slowly try to breath out, and with the breath all the feelings for her. I do this a couple of times.

The sky outside is nicely bright-blue, white clouds move fast ahead. A very strong wind whirls tree branches around. But the wind is warm.

I will stay in contact with her. But on the plain friendship level, as she wants. No more deep discussions, no more platonic love thoughts, just plain friendship.

And another important email sent

And later this evening, I called her again.
We talked, chatted. Nothing very deep, just usual nice smooth talk. I did not make my points that I had carefully thought of. Instead I just let the conversation flow.

But later, I sent her an email, with all these thoughts. No flame, instead a very nice one. Understanding, but pointing out that I cannot go on like this for very long anymore.

These will keep her thoughts busy over Easter.

Another blow

She is so good at hitting hard. There was a concert scheduled in two weeks. Of course, in my infinite wisdom and far-sightedness, I had already bought 2 tickets. Also for other concerts ahead. She knew about this concert, and actually wanted to attend. But today she told me that she and her boyfriend will travel on a vacation. So she will not attend this concert.

The usual letting-down. She is really good at this.
Tonight I will call her for the last time. I want to mention the things that I had drafted in my flame mail. Just talk with her, get her immediate response. Tell her how I think that she is afraid of herself.

Tomorrow her boyfriend will be here. They will do some excursions over Easter. I will be gone too, will visit my family which I had not seen for quite a while now, more than a year.

I will let her in peace. No SMS. No emails. Maybe I will send my flame email after all. I am getting sick of this.

Email silence - not really kept

I did not send her any email, the whole day. I decide not so send my flame mail yet. It would be again on a Tuesday – somehow these Tuesdays are bad for out relation here, there is always something troublesome coming up.

She does not send one either, keeps quiet.
And I have to think where my priorities are: do I want to win her, to be with her eventually? Or do I want to preserve my dignity, and punish her?

In the latter case, I should send that flame email to her, to tell her the truth about herself, once and for all. She should realize what she is doing.

But then, I slowly realize that I myself do not want this to end yet. There is still hope. She is friendly to me. Obviously wants me “around”.
I am in love with her, so I do anything that brings me closer to her. And if that means standing for a while at the sidelines, then this is what I need to do.

So I decide to stop my email silence, and send her a SMS. There is a concert tonight; of course she refuses to join me, a she already indicated a long time ago, but I keep trying. At least the connection has not yet broken down.

And after coming home from the concert, I do what I should have done yesterday, instead of drafting my flame email: I call her. So for 10 minutes we have a nice chat. Then her boyfriend calls…and she has to stop.

Well, the connection is not broken yet. I do have to think how I want to proceed. How I do feel about her. But right now I just want to remain in her presence. So that she has a comparison to her boyfriend. If she really would look deep into herself, she would see that she loves me. But she does not want to see that. This is why she refuses a meeting with me, I suspect.

"Working on it?"

During the day, we exchange more emails, on theoretical subjects, art, culture. Her replies are very interesting, so deep as I have never seen it from anybody else. She has an elegant way of formulating her opinion, and I am shaken. Yes, there is a good reason why I am in love with this woman.

Later, as I am at home, another email from her.
Earlier, she had mentioned that she is “working on it”, meaning working towards that we could finally meet sometime. So I was curious how she would be working on it.

Well, here is her reply: she just avoids mentioning my name when he is around. Hoping that he eventually would forget about it, or eventually be ok with her meeting with male friends.

This reply made again my world fall apart. So that is how she is working on it, by not working on it???
I simply cannot reply to her email. Decide to think it over. Draft for the 3rd time a flaming mail reply, citing her immaturity, her egoism, she wants it all, but is not willing to give anything.

I realize now that there is no hope in the short term. She is fixed up with him for good. And I am the fool who makes his funny attempts.

This is the end – again?

Ignoring my provocation

Her email replies are here. Friendly as always. Replies to some of my questions. No reply or comment to my "kissing".
Ok, now I am as smart as before.
What does that mean? Positive or negative?
I tend to believe that it is positive – she did not stop writing to me, but kept on. But no comment at all ... that means she draws exactly a line somewhere.

Kissing away her tears - I wish!

I got time to think this past weekend. Where is this going? She obviously has a close relation with her boyfriend, wants to keep it that way.
But she wants to use me for her little work projects, to get my help, to have her ego boosted by me devoting so much attention to her.

Well, do I want that?
I do not think so.

Should I tell her? Write another email? I had drafted one on Tuesday this week, but deleted it before I sent it. I then wanted to send one this Friday, after her “revelation” of the jointly bought property. But I did not send it. Maybe I should send it now?

Better would be to talk to her. But she does not want to meet me.

I wrote her a few emails this weekend. She had written to me how she had cried recently, because of her problems at work. Now when she writes this to me, isn’t this a tease? Isn’t it just asking for a caring response?
Well, I actually replied 3 times to it. Once I did not pay much attention, because my focus was on replying to that “bought house”. The other time I gave her advice how to deal with those situations. And I wrote how I would try to help her, to prevent her crying. Well, and then I could not resist, writing to her how I would like to hug her and kiss away every single tear. That is exactly how I felt. And now I wrote it to her.

So this Monday morning I am awaiting her response. Either she will complain about it, telling me to remain appropriate, or she will find this very charming and comment positively. I am ready for both possibilities. Of course I hope for the second one. That would really give the relationship a boost. And I would have moved it to a new level. Or she would suddenly realize that this relation goes out of control, and she would then stop the email communication all together.

And an explanation

Well, in my stupid "virtual assumptions" I had just gotten her email "into the wrong throat". She corrected herself: no, she did not mean house but apartment. And she was just talking about the past months, actually more than a year back... when she had been busy with organising her life with him.

So back to the optimistic track?
Well, the fact remains that they bought together an apartment, where she is living now... and obviously he too. But he is out on business the whole week. I was not fully aware of that. She does not want to meet me, while he is gone, because that would violate the trust in their relationship. I understand that. I do not like it, but I can understand that she does not want to look like the "guilty part". So how to proceed? It still has not been clarified where we are heading. The last "official" statement regarding this was last week her answer to my question, and that remains still valid: I should look for a girlfriend for myself. Well, that is exactly what I am doing now. With her as the potential girlfriend. Of course she did not mean that...

But we are officially still in this "friendship" mode, which she favored so much. How does she intend to convice her boyfriend that she could have me as a friend? Is that what she actually indends to do? Or does she intend to dump him? With joint property that is not so easy... I realise now that I have broken into a quite established relationship, and I had not been aware of that.

But I want to be with her. And she gives me hope: maybe sometime we will be able to meet. I do not know what the boundary conditions will be... but it will happen, she even mentions this now. I think that we will actually move forward. I am ready, and I will keep my email communication with her open. Will talk with her, will help her, will be a support for her as much as it is possible. She appreciated so much my little help this week in her professional work - her supervisor approved her work, and she was so happy. She went into the weekend with a good mood, that I could sense from her mails. And I am the reason for that. Not bad.

Again a lonely weekend ahead. I will try to do some work, but I will keep thinking about her. With me, it is a 24h thing. I constantly think about her, no matter what I do, where I am, with whom I talk. Constantly she is on my mind, I see her face, and I want to be with her. I love her crazy, and I finally want to be with her! When will this happen?

A shocking revelation

After that hopeful mode of the past few days, in which we seemed to get closer, again today a bummer. She had mentioned that there had been so much commotion in her personal life lately... of course I related that to our "story", but I wanted to hear from her more details. Maybe she had some discussions with her boyfriend, maybe she was working towards a solution. I was just curious. Then her reply came, explaining this commotion, that they had bought a house together, and had to buy furniture.

When I read this, again a world broke down for me. This was what she has been busy with all these weeks? Why did she not tell me? I thought she lived in an apartment? I thought she does not like houses? I did not think that their relation was already so close that they bought property together...

What seemed to have been possible just a moment ago, a breakthrough in our relationship, now again seemed to move far away.

And I am devastated. Sit in my office, a blank stare to the computer screen. I do not even know how to reply to this. I need to meet with her. Hear from her the whole story of what is going on. I feel like I know nothing, and am just making a big fool of myself here in these emails with her.

A small ray of hope

In all those emails to her in the past few days, I kept putting something in, refering to possible future meetings. Suggestions for joint sightseeing, museum visits, concerts, all that I could come up with. Her reply of course always contained a denial to these requests, but these denials seemed to get weaker. In most cases she added "at least not now". So what does she have in mind? The last time she explicitly talked about it, was that she wants that her boyfriend does not object to such a meeting, which I find extremely weird. I do not need and want a permission by her boyfriend! But now, I am not sure if she still thinks in these terms... maybe she will dump him eventually... and is just setting the stage for this. Maybe I am just dreaming or imagining... but I sense that she too is in love with me. Although she kept talking about friendship etc. I feel that there is more from her side.

But I am running out of time. The next weeks I will again be on travel. And then there is the impending threat that my wife will join me again in two months, after that more than half year separation. I had told her that I would like to continue the separation, but I had not told her that I had fallen in love. Well, if she saw that pathetic state of this love story, without ever having personal meetings, just with emailing, she would just laugh it off as some sort of fantasy. Maybe she would be actually right with this assessment.

New dimension: collaborating at work

She has been very busy with her work lately. I offer to review what she has done so far, and she gladly accepts this. So she sent me something tonight, and I sat there, looking through it, adding my comments. Her work area is not too far from my own work, so I can understand what she did, and can also give an educated opinion. And I see that it is actually quite interesting. She is a really bright professional in her area, which I have know already before, but now I see it in real detail.

As I work on the review, she sends SMS, asking for the review status. She cannot wait to hear my verdict. When I finally am done, she is very thrilled. Of course she knows that my objectivity might have been a bit tainted, but I confirm that I have applied the strictest integrity.

This is actually fun, I hope she has more for me to do.

Almost apologetic

After I return from the drinks with my friends and logon to my email, there are two from her. One had been sent earlier, just as I had left work: an almost apologetic tone, that she had been quiet, did not want to disturb me in my work. She too was busy these past two days. I sense that she has missed my email communications, in the same way as I had missed hers. I am somehow very glad. Then another email, in reply to my SMS: her phone had run out of minutes, and she could not reply...

Now it seems that the story is again on track. I do not know where it will go, but it seems slowly moving forward.

Silence

The whole day yesterday and today I refrained from writing anything to her. This was quite hard. I kept wanting to write her something, to send an SMS, to type an email, just a friendly hello.... but I did not like this shallow tone to which our emails had turned now, and so I kept silent.

Now I am sitting at a bar, with friends, and I just cannot keep quiet. Sent her an SMS, one hour ago. No reply.

Shallow Conversations

The weekend is over. She again spent it with her boyfriend. Sent me an email just this morning, talking about how great the weekend was, how much fun she had.

A quite shallow email, no depth, is she just doing small talk now? Is she serious about the gorgeous weekend? Last week she had written what a nightmare the weekend had been, without further specifying details. I had asked, but never got a reply. And now this happy-pretending mode... or is she not pretending? How can I find out, if I cannot hear her voice, cannot see her face when she is talking, but can only read ASCII-code?

I decide not to reply, and to remain silent. This will be my reply.