Me and women

So what is it with me and my fatal love for women? Something must be wrong with me... how could this have happened? This relationship was doomed from the beginning. And I did not want to realize this.

I think I do have a much too romantizised view of love and relationship. This could be, because as a child I often watched those movies from the 40s and 50s... with their decency, and the happy endings of relationship and courting. Somehow I have incorporated the sentiments of those movies into my attitude towards women.

I have been in love as far as I can think back, even as a child. I was in love with girls in my 1st grade in school. Throughout my school years, there was always some girl with whom I had fallen in love. And of course for a child, this is not really appropriate - so I hid it. Then, during adolescence when it became actually appropriate, I continue to hide it, being embarrassed to show my affection. It took quite some effort until I was able to make that transition into real relationships. My shyness caused me great pain, as several times I was not able to win the heart of the adored girl. But finally I succeeded. However, my romantic view of relationships made me very monogamous. Other guys had girls left and right... but I always stayed with the girl with whom I was at the time - even if my love had gone lost. And this happened a few times, and I was quite shocked about that: that love sometimes just disappears, and an empty relationship remains. Because I did not want to hurt the girl's feeling, I stayed with her, despite that my love for her had gone. When I finally found the courage to terminate that relation, it felt so bad at that time - but I never regretted that termination. Somehow I am in the same situation now, regarding my marriage. Situations never seem to change, everything repeats itself...

I fell in love quite rarely. But when it happened, I instantly knew it, and there was nothing I could do against it. During the decay of my marriage, I fell in love with other women twice. But nothing happened... since I was married, those women kept at distance.

And now, during the actual physical separation from my wife, I fell again in love. Seems to happen only every 6 years or so...

Well, I will carry on somehow.

If anyting happens regarding this story, I will update the blog here. Otherwise I will be silent - and this story will stand as a remainder of male stupidity. Well, of my stupidity.

Her Decision

She had accepted his marriage proposal. Already during her anniversary trip with him, as she told me now.

This is the end.
Why did she have to put smileys after each sentence? Was that necessary to rub this into my head?

This just shows that I do not understand anything about women. What was that hugging a few weeks ago? What was that re-starting of the friendship?

I do not envy her future husband. Instead I almost pity him. To be with a woman who seems to know about relationship only from "Desperate Housewifes" or from "Sex in the City". Who does not seem to have an understanding of the concept of love. She wants her marriage, plus she wants my friendship.

I do not want her friendship. I wanted her love, a relationship with her. If I wanted a friend I get a dog. A dog is man's best friend. Women are no friends.

My last words in my short reply email to her: "Best wishes and good luck".

I will not write to her anymore. There is no reason. I will remain silent. Somehow I will continue my life. I will finally return to my professional work, put the energy into it, which in the past 5 months I have instead poured in this pointless relationship. Already I feel a lot of drive towards working, towards achieving excellence in my work. I had noticed a significant slack during the past months... but I will catch up again.

And I will forget about women. A waste of time. They do not deserve it.

Still some hope left.

I had asked her twice so far, in my emails, if she had accepted the proposal. There was no answer from her. Either she is embarrassed, or she has really not made up her mind. Somehow this gives me hope, and I want to have a meeting with her. I think now that there is no need anymore to be "appropriate"; if she has not yet decided, then I somehow need to make my case. This is the last chance.

In her email she gives me the advise to follow through with my decisions. I had asked for her opinion regarding my marriage...

A final shock.

This Wednesday, 4:45pm, a message popup on my computer showed an incoming email from her. She must be back from her anniversary trip. The brief line excerpt included the fragments "... he proposed to me".

My heart stopped for a moment, my lung stopped breathing, it felt as if I was dead for one second. Then I reassembled myself quickly - I was in the midst of a meeting, so I could not read the whole email after the popup had disappeared.

As soon as I was alone, I read the whole email from her. Not very long. It included the words "it was great" and, yes, "he proposed to marry me".

No word about if she had accepted this proposal... so there is still some hope.

Intermezzo

Ok, why not taking a break, from marriage, from unfullfilled relationship-tries, and instead visit some of the distractions on the internet?

There are plenty of such distractions for pathetic loosers like me. And here I want to point to one of these distractions which - with broadband access - has the potential to replace traditional relationships: live video-chat with women.

The principle of these sites is: women (or guys, if someone prefers), sit in front of their computer, usually very "lightly dressed", a camera captures their image, and they talk in chat fashion with guests or members. Now, I had never been to such chats, assuming that these would be quite a rip-off, expensive, and, well, "artificial". But I discovered a few weeks ago that these chats are actually for free, and that women there are quite natural and chat freely.

The business principle behind these sites: standard chat is for free. If the guest does not participate, then after about 2 minutes a timout occurs, and the user has again to enter the chat. If the user participates in the chat, then the timout clock seems to be reset, so that one can stay there actually indefinitely, keeping talking (typing with the keyboard). In order to have a "private chat", a one-on-one with a possible striping (or mode advances stuff), the user has to become a member (is free, requires credit card), and is then charged for the private at a minimum of $1.49 per minute. This is why the "performers" do this: they get a cut of this money, and seem to make quite a living. At least in the Eastern European area: most of the women are from Russia, Ukraine, or other Eastern European countries. They do it to make a living, which seems to be quite difficult in those economies.

So when I was there for the first time, I considered this as a "playground" to exercise some basic flirt techniques. Some of the guests abuse the privilege of anonymity to let off obscenities and derogatory comments, but several of the guests (including me) exhibit courtesy and actually talk with the women there in a reasonable way. And the women there actually respond well! Ok, some of them are only interested in getting the guys into "private chats" so that they earn some money. However, some of the women just enjoy being there and talking to complete strangers. And, as life happens, I actually befriended one, and now I do have another woman friend in my growing array of non-relationship women in my life. We exchanged a few emails, and I know now things about here which she does never mention in her chat.

The largest site seems to be LiveJasmin, which has a mirror site with a different interface at LivePrivates. There is also another smaller site JOYourself, where a smaller number of performers are (these are actuallty mostly the same as on these other two sites).


So to you guys who would want to see a few beautiful women and enjoy conversation: visit these site, but remember to be courteous to the women and not to abuse them verbally. They are just doing their job, to make a living, so do not make that job unbeaarble for them.

And you, wives and girlfriends, you should visit those sites too, to learn what the men in your life dream about. Maybe you can get some pointers from there, on how to spice up your relationship a bit..., and maybe you even find your significant other there among the begging guests... :)

These kind of sites will eventually lead to an erosion of the real relationships. Who needs the hazzle of a real-life relationship, if the most essential things can be found on these sites? No complicated courting, no desperation, just beautiful women, presented on a menu, and ready to flirt. And if one has enough, one can just leave the site, no harm done, and can continue with real life alone - can always come back later, some other time.

And this whole prospect of the future of relationship is actually quite sad...

Just waiting...

This stupid lovestory...

Two weeks ago, she had told me by email that she will go with her partner on a short trip, to celebrate their 2nd anniversary together. Thanks for telling me. I did not reply to that email for several days. Then I sent a short, friendly note, wishing her a good time. What else could I have done?

Now the time for this trip has almost come. In her latest email there were some negative undertones... that she does not like the city where they will go, that she never liked it, and that she especially does not like the time right now in that city, with the summer heat... I replied with a careful positive spin, praising the city, and pointing out some other places nearby that she could visit instead. No reply from her since then...

So what is happening? Does she have doubts about her ongoing relation? I do not dare to hope that maybe her relationship will end now...
... well, I plead innocent! I have not done anything to harm this relationship! If it is my plain existence which damages that relationship, then this is not my fault. Or should I commit suicide, so that her relationship is saved? Of course not. If her relation is going to be doomed, then that is how it shall be. I will just wait...

Back.

I am back at my living / work place. In two weeks together with my wife, I had not managed to get a conversation with her going. I tried... asking her why she thinks that we should stay together. Silence was the answer. Otherwise just acting as if nothing has happened.

I did not tell her about my ongoing "love story". Should I have? Nothing has happened there, and nothing seems ever to have a chance of happening there... so what would have been the point?

Of course, as a more or less decent person, I do have a bad conscience. If our marriage breaks, it will be because of me.

But what is actually my fault? That I fell out of love with my wife already several years ago? I told her why. I told her what I would like to see changed in her, in her behavior. No response. As if she just closes her ears to whatever I say. No, I am not happy with her. And I do not see a future with her.

But the "grand revelation" is still due to happen some time. We will have to talk seriously.