Pictures from her

Her answer to my question should actually be clear. So if I would be in a "normal" situation, I would abandon the pursuit of her and really start looking for someone else. But her behavior is not very clear. After she sent me her reply today, she later sent another email - with pictures from her travel last week. That was a nice gesture. Quite nice, because among those pictures there were several ones depicting her! Now I have finally something to look at when writing her an email.

Does a woman behave like this, when she does not want him to pursue her? Does a woman then send pictures of herself to that man, after she just told him to get lost? No, this is not consistent at all. And she did not just leave these pictures accidentally in that whole zipped file: the numbers of the pics were not continous, so she has gone through them, sorted the bad ones out, but made a conscious decision to leave those ones with herself on then in the pile.

This just shows it clearly, in my opinion, that she does not want to loose me, that she still wants me around. Just as a friend, as she claims?

A simple question

Well, how can this be the end, when I am still in love with her?
I just cannot let it go... yesterday night, after I had sent her the "bye" message durig the day, I could not stand it any longer, and I sent her an SMS, with an almost apology... I could not remain silent. After I had sent my email yesterday, in which I made clear my intend to stop this communication now, there was no reply from her, just silence. And after that SMS that I sent late at night, silence too.

Now I had another idea: I wanted to have a clear answer to the question, if she could imagine to have a relation with me, in case her boyfriend would not be there and she would be free. This is an important question, one that I tried to answer reading in between all the lines that she sent so far. The answer was not visible, although I strongly feel that it would be: yes, she would be able to have a relationship with me. But her stubbornness in refusing a meeting with me might be an indicator otherwise; maybe she does not want to be with an old guy like me; maybe I am not her type in real life. I need to know, so I need to ask her directly. In an email I sent this night at 3 am to her, I ask it.

Her reply this morning: "You should find yourself a girlfriend."

Well, this is not exactly an answer to my question, but it is a reply. Is very clear, but does she actually mean it? Now that I have asked directly, I got an indirect answer. She did not refuse to be with me, just indirectly re-directed me to someone else.

I will never be able to understand women!

The end of someting that never begun.

The weekend is over. I was lonely sitting at home, working, reading through all our email communication. I have really written a lot, have spread my whole universe of thoughts, opinions, feelings out for her. She does not have internet access on weekends, so all what I wrote the last week, just sits there in her inbox, collecting slowly a layer of dust. I cannot call her, the boyfriend is around. No SMS either. I feel that I am isolated, with no way of communicating to her. This is no good, this needs to change. I am only able to tolerate this for a short time.

Monday finally she is back at work, the first "normal" week in the past month will begin. Nobody of us is on travel, we finally will be able to meet. I greet her with a Monday morning SMS. No reply back from her to that one.

She reads my emails on Monday morning. Then sends me a reply. Not mentioning any of the many things I wrote, it was just too much; she referred to them all as interesting, but she did not want to specifically reply as there would have been an avalanche of emails as a result... so much to write. Ok, I understand this, but I feel quite disappointed. Would have liked to see her reply, to many of those topics. Well, maybe we would now finally meet. Her boyfriend is gone again, to work in another town, they only have a weekend-relationship. That should be possible, to have sometime a coffee or lunch, and simply to meet face to face and have a normal conversation, finally get to know each other through other means than through email.

But in her reply I sense a reluctance. She mentions lots of work, and "we will see"... I sense that this relationship is loosing its momentum, a sinking feeling spreads. But I will not give up. I bring up the issue that we should meet some time now. I give her my schedule when I would be available. We live and work in the same town, not too far away from each other, it should be possible to go out for a harmless lunch or a coffee.

And then today her reply. She does not want to meet me. That is because her boyfriend at home would not approve, and she wants to accommodate this her relationship with him.

I am furious. Who is this guy? Why is she so dependent on him? Obviously she finds something in our communication that he does not give here - that is why she has been continuing to communicate with me. But now that I would want to move this relation from the virtual domain into the real domain, she refuses. She does have her real relationship with that "boyfriend", and she has made him aware that she also has this email friend, me. And he strongly disapproves. Is not surprising - the boyfriend correctly is aware that I am a threat to his relationship. But that is how life is - it is up to her to make the decision who will "win". I have tried my best.

And now she seems to have made that decision. I am cut off. There will be no meeting. Unless her boyfriend might approve sometime in the future.

This I cannot accept. With the rest of dignity that I have left in me, I sent her an email, telling her that I will not continue this communication with her anymore. I do not want to be told by a guy whom I do not even know (her bf) whom I can or cannot meet.

So that is it.
My initial anger turns into sadness, desperation. This whole story began completely reverse... we should first have met, had lunch, coffee, or whatever, and then should have communicated by email, in depth. But life was different... there was no opportunity, we both were on travel... email was the only way of getting and staying in touch. The online communication has surpassed any other real interaction, it was the only way. I should have slowed it down, waited until a real meeting, before showering her with emails, before making this relation so serious.

Now it has ended, before it had a chance to begin.
Deep in my heart somewhere I still have some hope, that there might be some light in the future, But for now, the door has closed, and I am left in complete darkness.
That is the end of this story. It ended before it began.
What a shit.

Again lonely weekend

After our phone conversation this week, nothing much happened. Boyfriend took over again, I got no signal from her to call on the other evenings. But she finally got to the pile of emails that I had sent to her, she wrote a reply, quite touching at parts. Yes, I am convinced that we belong together. Now I just have to deal with that boyfriend situation.

She is a peaceful accommodating woman. Does not want to create arguments, is always ready for a compromise. That is her problem, in this relation with the boyfriend. He seems to be quite a demanding guy, and she is just taking it. Why?

I definitely need to talk to her, about this, about her relation with boyfriend, about her relation with me. This cannot be talked in SMS one-liners.

The statistics of our communication is quite something: 144 emails, 182 SMS, in the past 4 weeks, starting from nothing. As she is this weekend back from her travel, together again with her boyfriend, I have lots of time to think, to read all the mails we had exchanged. This woman and I belong together. There has never been a couple more matched than we two. It would be a crime if we did not make this relation work. I will try to give it my best.

But there is only a limited time window open for this. She needs to make a decision regarding her boyfriend. I need to make a decisive move regarding my marriage. The window will be open a few more weeks, then it will close. Then we will loose this opportunity, as live goes on, with us in separarate relationships.

This coming week we will hopefully meet in person, and not at a business event, but personally. I place lots of hopes on that.

First phone call!

Very unexpected a new milestone in this relation: we finally have spoken to each other, after all this written communication! First, it was me who suggested yesterday in an SMS that I could call her - would be better than just these 160-letter SMSs, ... but she replied that her boyfriend keeps calling her, so as to check if she is on the phone with someone else (e.g. me).

Now that made me quite furious. This boyfriend of her has a nerve - to keep her on a short leash. She must realize that this is not how her life should go!

And today in the evening, as I sent my evening greeting SMS to her, she replied that she now had time to talk. I was just in the car, driving home... and I did of course the stupid thing of SMS-ing while driving - so happy I was about this message from her! Yes, crazy love could lead to all kinds of accidents - fortunately nothing happened as I was steering with one hand through the nightly traffic, and with the other hand held the cell phone, typing my sentences that I would call her soon.

And then we talked. For 45 minutes. Then her boyfriend called, and we had to stop.
It was wonderful to hear her voice, to talk about so many things that we already had addressed in our emails, I felt a familiarity with her, as if we had known each other for ages.

Later, I sent her an SMS, and at exactly the same time one came from her, with the same line "That was nice that we finally could talk...". Now somebody please hit me on the head - am I dreaming? Am I just imagining that there really is something between us? Something more then just this "friendship" that she imagines? If I am not completely brain-dead, I must interpret all this as something that should give me hope. So I will be able to stand this whole week, without her, without her emails, without meeting her. Maybe another call on the next evenings... I certainly look forward to it!

Again on travel

And again an obstacle to our developing relationship: she is on travel again. Now this is the 4th week that we have begun to communicate, to get acquainted, and still no possibility for a meeting, a talk. I could call her, but somehow that would be weird. We do have an established email communication, but with voice we do not yet have any established "protocol". I do not want again to overwhelm her with my actions, as in the past week I almost destroyed that little seedling of our love- relationship.

So I keep quiet. While she is on travel, she does not have a regular access to her email... so I cannot even effectively communicate to her, just now when I think the relationship development reaches a critical point. The situation looks quite desperate.

Only SMS remains. So I send a morning greeting, an evening greeting, a good-night... just to remind her that I am there, thinking about her. And she texts back. So not everything seems to be lost.

But this situation is quite frustrating.

Boyfriend rules

The situation is getting more and more perverse.
We did establish a level of friendship now, whatever that exactly means. Well, it means that I should respect her relationship with her boyfriend, because she seems to believe in this relationship a lot. And I shall be a very good friend, for interesting discussions, and for advice.

Ok, that is not how I imagined this would continue. But if I am looking at it reasonably: we still did not have a "real" meeting, a real talk. So far our whole relation has been in emails and SMS. And in two formal business meetings, where nobody could show any sign of affection. So from her point of view, it is somewhat logical that she first needs to get to know me. She does not seem to trust the deep connection that we have made already in our communications, whereas I trust this connection a lot. I am willing to bet my whole life on it.

The annoying thing is: now is a weekend. And this would be a great time to do something together, in an informal way, some excursion, some going out. But no, the boyfriend is here. And I have to remain quiet. No SMS so as not to upset him. Supposedly he already knows my name and is not too thrilled about my intrusion into their relationship.

The 2nd meeting!

In the morning we sent each other a few mails back and forth. I confirm to her that I believe a friendship between man and woman can be possible. In fact, I really do have two very nice real friendships with women going on, so I am not making up this "change of mind". But in reality, I still think that these friendships are the exception. we men are not "wired" for friendships with women, and usually those end up in big misunderstandings.

But I am willing to give it a try - this is my only chance to stay connected to her, and I still believe, feel that I am strongly in love with her. I do not want to loose her. So I would now agree to anything.

Why am I in love? That is somehow the wrong question. There are many reasons: she is exactly my "type", from appearance. But she is also "my type" from character. Never did I have such an easy communication with anyone, such an immediate back-and-forth of thoughts. She has humour, is intelligent, compassionate. I have never seen or found a woman who is so close to how I always imagined an ideal woman. I do not know much of her actually, I don't know what type of chocolate she likes, I don't know her actual interests in daily life, but somehow all this is not important to me. I know her deeply inside, know how she feels, know what makes her happy, at least in an abstract sense. I know that we two would be extremely happy together...

So I am very glad that she accepted the invitation to that special event today. I gave a talk, she was in the audience. Somehow that gave me enormous confidence, and the event went very well. There were many guests, and I did not have time to attend to her much. But this was our first meeting after all these emails and SMS. As I saw her again, coming into the room filled with other people, my heart almost stopped. But I composed myself well, although it was pounding like crazy. We slowly moved towards each other, made eye contact. The first handshake with her, after the very first contact more than 2 weeks ago. She smiled friendly and warmly, and as I looked into her eyes, I almost got lost in them. My colleagues around must have noticed. A few words, nothing serious, just small talk, but the handshake is firm and from the heart. I had forgotten how her face looks, through all that electronic communication. I had not realised that she is slightly taller than me - or does she have high heels?

Her voice is so sweet and soft, as we exchange a few banalities, for the people around us. I could listen to her voice endlessly.

Weird situation. She knows about my love for her. I know that she is in a relationship that she does not want to give up right now. We both have a brief but intense history of email exchanges, of SMS, and of a large misunderstanding which now has been cleared up. And we cannot talk about it, as around us are all these people, officials, colleagues, friends.

I still do not get this "friendship" thing, but I'll work it out.

And so the evening ends on a high note. I finally have met her again, although the circumstances were not ideal.

The friendship begins

After that resumed communications, a few things between us are straightened out. All she wants is a friendship. She seems to like me. In our communications we have built a sort of trust into each other. We have never met, except at this formal meeting 2 weeks earlier, have never spoken on the phone. And now we actually decide to have a real friendship with each other.

Well, that is at least something. I will keep a tap on my feelings, will not show them. But at least she knows about them. Maybe it was not such a very bad idea to send her this after all, now she is aware of me. And her reply actually indicated that she had some emotions to them. Maybe I actually did something right here - although it almost has ended in a catastrophe.

I invite her for Wednesday to a special event - I will again give a talk. It seems that we only meet when I make a business presentation... this is quite weird for me. And for her too - but she agrees to come to this meeting.

I have already forgotten how her face looks - all I can see now is the smiley as her face: :-) from all these SMSs and emails.

I am beginning to get nervous... but the friendship is now on a good track.

How Windows Mobile flaws saved the friendship

After her last mail, I decided to give this up. No point. Sent her an email with the words "bye", among a few others.

At 15:30 my mobile phone rings. A call comes in, from unknown. At the same time an SMS seems to come... I frantically handle the buttons of the Windows Mobile phone, but it seems to freeze on me. I tap on the touch screen - no reaction. The phone keeps ringing, then stops. The screen remains frozen. So who called? Was it her? Did an SMS come from her? The SMS message icon is there, but that could also just be the phone notification.

The phone/PDA remains frozen, I have no other choice than to reset it. Time goes by, endless minutes until the phone is again in its default state. No record of the incoming phone was preserved. No SMS. The info must have gotten lost in this reset.

What should I do? It could have been from her. Maybe an important note... and I missed it.

I cannot take the risk of having lost her through a missed phone call or SMS... I need to find out what she sent, what she wrote, what she wanted to say. So a brief SMS back to her, asking if she just had sent me an SMS. Reply comes, no, she had sent nothing. Question, if I keep my opinion on friendship with women. (Earlier sometime I had written that I do not believe that women and men can be just friends, an opinion that I still hold strongly, despite many exceptions). But I am in a conciliatory mood - reply that it depends...

Since she is still sending an SMS, there is maybe still some hope. And since I am still crazy in love, I now have no other choice than to write her an email "I just cannot let it go like this...". And so the communication is on again. She is in a working relation. Whe just wants my friendship, is interested in me purely from conversations, thoughts, ideas, opinions.
Well, if that is all that I get - is better then nothing. And there may then be still hope in the future.
So I agree.

And now we suddenly have a friendship.
And this is only because of the faulty Windows Mobile phone which had to crash at that point. I never found out where that mysterious phone call came from, at 15:30...

The end.

So that was ruined, before it began.
I stare in disbelieve on the computer screen, where her last email is.
How could I think that it is beneficial to be honest to a woman?

What did I misunderstand? I read again the emails, the SMSs, and it seemed so clear that she has an affection to me. So why did my honest reply destroy it? What was wrong in showing her my feelings?

It was probably just too much for her. She is in a relation, she travels with him, she must love him. So where is then my place in this? I just cannot understand this.

Ok, I am ready to quit this "relationship" now.

Doomed.

My meeting ends earlier. By now she must have read my report. She must be really touched. As I read it again a few hours earlier, I myself was touched by it - I think it really was good. The best idea I had in a long time. To be honest, to show feelings. I expect her email reply to be something like "You have won". Cannot wait to go to my office, to the computer, and to read her reply.
There it is - I click on it, and start reading.

My jaw slowly moved down, into a mouth opening position.

My confession was too much for her.
She appreciated my honesty, but wished me good luck. Maybe in a few years, we could meet again and be friends then. But now she did not want to have any more contact with me.

That is the poor result of being honest to the woman I am in love with.

A great idea!

I slept very badly. Woke up at 4 am. Today she would finally return from all her travel, and we might finally have the opportunity to meet again in person, after all these emails. Maybe I will pick her up from the airport?
As I lie in bed, waiting for the morning sun to appear, I suddenly have this great idea: since she seemed to have been quite oblivious about what was really going on in me, I decided to write everything together, a little story of the whole situation, just from my own perspective. So I spent the early morning hours of today writing our story. Basically all that I have written down here in this blog so far. All my thoughts, my feelings, my motivations. For her to understand, to see why I did things the way I did, to get a look "behind the curtain".
I send it to her, knowing that in the afternoon she would receive this mail, when back at work. Now this would be the official establishment of the next level. Finally all my thoughts would be open to her.

Short SMS from her - I should not pick her up at the airport, she is with friends.
Ok. A little sad. But I respect her privacy. I decide to do a little shopping for her, since the fridge in the apartment must be empty. Some water, two rolls, a nice Feta cheese, biological-organic yoghurt. I have no idea what she actually likes, so I focus on healthy things. I want to bring that to her in the afternoon.

Around 2 pm she has arrived in her office. Short email from her - and I am so happy. But she seemed not yet have read my "report". I have a meeting at work, will be back later to see what she would reply.

The next level - but also a clarification

As she finally has an access to her emails, she sees all my mails. Now a wild reply frenzy starts, back and forth fly the mails. Finally we talk to each other, at least per writing. So many smileys! Yes, this relationship seems really to take off! It is all very harmless, no specific talk about relationship. She wants to organize a joint dinner sometime, with friends. I shall be there invited as well. Ok, the boyfriend will be there too... I wonder what she is thinking, how she imagines that this would go. No word of dumping the boyfriend.

But for now the emails go back and forth. She mentions that there was a problem with the boyfriend: as she had sent me the nightly SMS on Saturday night which had made me so mad, also her boyfriend was mad. Understandably. What was she thinking? Together in bed with him, then sending me a SMS, neither thinking that me or him would have some questions?

I sent her a brief email stating this situation; and telling her that I did not feel so well when receiving her nightly SMS, writing "See what you do to us men?", trying to put a slightly humorous spin onto it. Back comes her reply "I am not even going to comment on this". Why not? Suddenly all what she said, in all her emails, all the wonderful back and forth talk is again in question. I ask back, and then it becomes clear - she is in a serious relationship with her boyfriend. And I am just considered a friend.

What a blow. What does she think she is doing? Is that normal? Maybe I am not normal, maybe I misunderstood something?

So here I had indicated that I thought more of this than a simple friendship. Obviously she had not considered that before... but now it is somehow there in the open. The next level has been reached. But I had to agree to remain in my corner, labelled as friend. No intrusion into the existing partnership was desired. This is not what I had imagined. But I have no other choice than to accept.

Phone was not functional

Her mobile phone actually did not work anymore. She ran out of minutes.
That is why no SMS.
A brief email from her explained.
Now the sun shines again, and I am happy. Cannot wait until she is back. from her travel.

Getting desperate

It is Monday morning, and I still have not gotten any news from her. Does it happen that mobile phones just break sometimes? Is quite unlikely. She must have gotten one of my emails / SMS, and that was just too much for her.

Or she is so busy keeping her boyfriend happy, no time to think about me. That really makes me mad, and I want to withdraw all together from this relationship.

But there is this strong feeling for her, and actually, I do not believe that her boyfriend means anything to her. That is not logical, looking at the facts, but that is the impression I get when I communicate with her. I do not know why this is, but very deep inside me I know that it will end well. Despite the rollercoaster that I seem to go through right now, I have some deep hope, and that is why I continue to pursue contact with her. There is the overwhelming feeling that she is THE ONE for whom I have waited (well, I have actually not waited) all my life. She surpasses all relationships that I had with any other woman. It would be the greatest thing on earth to be with her, we would be the couple of this century. We would write books together, travel everywhere, develop technology and science, and love each other crazy. I cannot stop thinking about her. I know that it will end well. Although the facts seem to indicate otherwise.

I again did not sleep well this night. Woke up at 3am, no SMS from her, but I just sent one. Maybe eventually she would realize that I am crazy in love with her. Well, she probably knows already, although I have not mentioned anything. All just talk around the bush, I have not yet written a clear and explicit statement. But it should be clear from all our communication, that I am in love with her. If she has any sense, she should feel that, even without me talking about it.

And down again.

I keep posting to her a few SMS, to update her about my day.
At 1:00, one hour after midnight, I got one from her. Of course I am again so glad to receive it. But the joy again turns sour.

They have traveled afterall, and now are staying in a nice town, in a hotel. She has a great time. Now in general that would be a good thing - to hear that she enjoys life and sees interesting things! But to send this after midnight, probably in bed with the boyfriend, who snuggles up to her side and says "that was great. Want to do it again?" That is what I imagine happens as she is typing her SMS, before she puts the phone away and turns again to her boyfriend.

I am raging. Is she leading me on? What should this tease be about?

Maybe there is a logical explanation. But the only explanation I would accept is that her boyfriend had this terrible accident once and is now a Eunuch.

Here goes my Sunday. I send a few SMS to her, and I hope that their tone within this 160 character limit transmits to her some of my anger. No good-morning-SMS today on Sunday from her, for the first time in these days.

She has other things to do, like enjoying her boyfriend for example.

I knew I would get unhappy in this love story!

Sorting things out with boyfriend?

It is actually only now that I decide that I really should go ahead and upload this blog into the public. Before I made this decision now, I just had written things down, but I thought that it might be not very appropriate to open this whole story to everybody on the planet. I felt that it would be unfair to her, although everything is posted in anonymity, and I will not mention any names.

But the whole story with her enjoying the boyfriend and at the same time flirting with me does leave me with a strangely bad feeling. I do not know if this is normal. I have lost the sense of judging this behavior objectively. Maybe someone who reads this blog could make a comment – I have not experienced anything like this. Maybe I am wrong in my judgment of how she is towards me – maybe she is really not interested in me. Or I could be wrong in my judgment of her relation with the boyfriend – maybe there is nothing at all.

Originally she wanted to do some travel with the boyfriend over the weekend. But this morning an SMS that they would probably not travel. I am so glad to read this: that means they are probably sorting out their relationship, something that would need to be done, considering that we are somewhat moving forward in our own developing relationship.

In a very good mood I spend the rest of the day, looking forward to read more from her.

Back to Emails

Finally she now had access to her emails - at the computer of her boyfriend - and could read those mails that I sent a week ago. Her response is very nice. She likes what I wrote, and sends me a long reply to each of the points that I addressed. She also mentions that she would read my mail again later, for some of its points really express what she feels. Now that sounds good to me.

But overall, the boyfriend is mentioned several times, in a friendly way. They travel together often. She sees him every two weeks, since they live separately. I cannot understand this.

So where is my place then? Am I here only to be the amusing guy who is crazy in love? And about whom they can have a good laugh together?

I reply to her email, send a total of three mails. And I raise my concerns about us communicating while the boyfriend is around.

She is fine.

At 10:45 finally an SMS, she is fine.
Just was very tired. I am so relieved.
She sends a few more emails, now that she finally has again email access, apologizing, after she realizes that she has made me so worried. Promises me a good dinner some time. Now I am happy, feel quite stupid about my fears. I think I acted way too possessive... but I love her. How else should I feel?

In the joy that she is ok, mixes the anger about that she stays with the boyfriend. Did they have nice sex together, while I was worrying for nothing?

I look again at the picture that I found of her on the web with that guy – I do not know it this is actually him, but he does not look anything special. Has no decent web site, no plans, ideas, looks ordinary. What does she see in him? He looks like he has a nice personality – maybe that is it. But I have a nice personality too, I think!

Well, again I get all mixed up. Didn’t she give me all these positive signals? All these messages she sent? I should only rely on them. But there just are the facts – that she is now staying in the apartment of her boyfriend, and that they have a great time together. And that makes me mad as hell.

Where is she?

I am in very good spirits as I get the last SMS from her as she departs from her family. Now I look all the time at the clock, I know her flight schedule.

Now she must have landed. No SMS from her?

Hours pass. The boyfriend must have picked her up already. Maybe they had an argument? Maybe there was an accident? Maybe the boyfriend got mad and has done her harm? I get worried so much. No SMS from her the whole evening, And she had shown such a positive attitude in that last SMS! Maybe it is all too much for her, the boyfriend, this new relations somewhere back home (me), all that traveling... and she just keeps quiet.

I send an SMS, then another one. A few emails… but the whole evening no reply. She must be at the boyfriend’s apartment by now. But now news from her.

I stay awake much of the night. Just a brief sleep from 3-6, then I check again all email accounts. Nothing. I even send an SMS to her parents back home, asking if they know if she arrived? I just want to know if she is safe! I am so worried about her, I love her so much, want to know if she is fine.

No news.

I go to work, am a complete wrack. What happened to her?

Rollercoaster ride

The whole night I slept very little.
I had imagined too much, had wrongfully assumed that I was in a positively developing love story. But she obviously only wanted an intelligent conversation, nothing more.
I have to accept that. Her life seems to be settled, with the boyfriend tight in place. She has been with the boyfriend already more than one year, as she had written in that SMS.

In the morning came an SMS from her. "the last sms? That is very sad."

This touches me. Why would she write that it is sad, unless she really wanted my SMS to continue? Should I get hope again?

I am completely confused. But if she is sad, I cannot be quiet. So I resume SMS-ing, ensuring her that I enjoy being in contact with her.

Her reply: "I like this so much. I would miss your SMS...". Now what is there to second-guess? This is very clear! And I again get my hope up that this may lead to a good relation with her.

A few more benign SMS messages, then she goes to the airport to continue her travel – to her boyfriend. But I am now in a good mood. Hope she returns soon back home to here.

Downfall

In the evening comes her SMS. She will visit her boyfriend, and will stay with him a few days. “I thought I had mentioned that : )”

Ok. Yes, we are on level 8 now alright, but that is not how I imagined it. So the boyfriend is well and alive in her life. What about me then? She seemed to enjoy our SMS-ing so much… ok, her travel had been planned already for a while. And who am, coming out of cyberspace, to tell her what to do.

I am devastated.

That smiley in her SMS was not really necessary.

This I cannot continue. I would send my SMS to her while she would cuddle up to him? This feels weird to me.

So I SMS back “LAST SMS: sorry for having bothered you with my SMS ...”

I cannot imagine that I would send her SMS while she stays with her boyfriend! I would intrude her privacy. So I will stop sending her SMS. Just imagine that my SMS would arrive while they are kissing and hugging.

So she is quite serious with him. He has an apartment in another city, and she just stays there for a few days. And of course sleeps with him.

This feels like the end. I should have known. Actually I knew that this would end badly. But I did not think it would be over already after such a short time ...

Getting closer with SMS – The levels of relationship development

In the past days I got 22 SMS from her. Usually a nice good-morning smiley, then another good-night smiley. And in between some updates on current activities. I counter with a total of 69 SMS.

A sense of familiarity and closeness has developed. Amazing how with just 160 letters per message, one is still able to build a relationship. We know that we are thinking about each other, no matter where we are.

From my experience now I can draft the following theory on levels in the development of a relationship:

1. Initial contact. Just seeing each other, and friendly informal words. Only topics in professional conduct are discussed.


2. Friendly replies, slightly revealing personal topics: some facts from own life, some preferences.


3. more revealing talk: some deeper preferences, philosophical attitudes, life philosophy. Comment on each other’s views.


4. Already getting personal: greetings for good morning, and good night, combined with smileys.


5. Some expressive affection, such as joy, sadness, etc., related to other than the relation itself.


6. Realisation of what possible loss of communication could mean. Confirmation of importance this communication. No mention yet of relationship.


7. Transcendence into personal relationship: briefly mentioning importance of this communication for personal feeling.


8. Talking about existing romantic relationship with others, sharing thoughts on that.


9. Talking about ongoing developing relationship with each other, first confession of feelings for each other.

Important is that one cannot skip any level, but must work the way through each level before aiming at the next one. I feel that we have reached level 6 by now.

Tomorrow she will leave her parents and stay for a while in another town. I wonder if she stays with friends or in a hotel. A short SMS query will bring clarification.

The thin causality line

Her SMS comes in the morning. A nice greeting when waking up. She enjoyed my SMS trip log. And her brief message conveys a sense of affection.

I am in love with her. She is the woman I was looking for all my life. She combines all the features that characterize a desirable woman: she is beautiful and sexy, she is intelligent, interested, curious, open, and she seems to have a golden compassionate heart. I feel the resonance in my heart, even from these email messages, in which we actually did not yet discuss any personal matters. I do not know how this will continue – but I am looking forward very much to finally meet her again after her return! This would be quite a weird meeting – we are already quite close to each other, sending us evening and morning greetings per SMS.

Considering what a thin thread that was which brought us together: I might not have moved to that town where I live now, might not have gone to that meeting... It were all very thin causalities that ended up in the current situation. 8 years ago I got acquainted to the person who then gave me the recommendation for my current job. If I had not met that person, I would have never moved where I am now. But since I kept a friendly attitude, he kept me on file for possible job opportunities. And here I am now. That business meeting last week where I met her, was also a consequence of a very thin causality thread. Normally I would have no reason to visit them. But 2 years ago I met their group leader at another meeting, and since I was now in town, I decided to catch up with him. If I had not met him earlier, and if I had not strayed in touch with him, I never would have met her. And how I met him also was quite “thinly” linked: I volunteered for a professional activity that was not really in my core domain, and got acquainted to him there. If any of these very thin and fragile links had been broken, I would not have met her.

Switching to SMS

In my reply to her last emails from yesterday, I now really decided to make it bold: I reply in very detail to everything she wrote. Then expanding into a short philosophical tractate about emotions. No word of our relationship – I feel this is not yet the right time. But the overall email got quite long. If I would plot the length of the emails over the past week, this would be an exponential curve.

It is Saturday, I have a few hours before I travel back home. Walking through the streets of this town that I am visitin, gives me lots of time to think what this relation is about. Is it a relationship? Or only an infatuation? We have not even spoken after our first initial formal meeting … Now we have each other’s mobile phone numbers, but should we actually call each other? It would feel somehow weird. I think we will just SMS a bit, until she is back from travel.

She will not be able to read my email until in a couple of days, so my long reply email that I sent yesterday just sits there unread.

And I do not want to add to the pile with more, want first to wait until she is back and had a chance to reply. So for the next few days, the relationship development will be halted.

At the airport, I get an SMS of her arrival at her destination. She visit her parents. Several smileys. Do they convey a false sense of feeling? In any case, I am very happy to read her brief message, and decide on my side to send her brief SMSs from all stages of my trip. So whenever I switch planes, I use the opportunity to SMS her a brief status note. With a smiley of course : )

What is with that boyfriend?

In her latest email, she apologized for not replying in time – that means that she really feels she should. This is a good sign.

I will return tomorrow from my own travel, but she will be on her travel, without email for over a week. How should our little sensitive relation seedling survive without communication? I send her my mobile number, maybe we can chat by SMS. I have never used that, am curious how that would work out.

Today I had no email access the whole day, only in the evening. When I returned to the hotel, I got her mails – she states specifically that she enjoys this email exchange. Now that is something, after one week! We had sent a total of 37 emails in the past few days – not so bad for such a short relationship. But now that I can read her emails, she will not be able to read my replies anymore ... since she will already be at home, preparing for her travel. She had sent me her mobile number, so I sent her an SMS. But no reply comes back from her ...

One thing in her last email bothered me: she mentioned again her boyfriend – and how she told him about something I said, and how he would not agree. Now that is annoying. I thought we had an email relationship developing here, so what does this boyfriend have to do here? I sense very much that she likes me. But I do not understand why she brings up that boyfriend all the time. Does she want to test me? To provoke me into something? Or does she want to show me the limits?

Maybe she is just immature, a happy young girl, not aware about what a relationship means. Maybe she is looking for an older mature friend, with some wisdom to enlighten her life. Suddenly I am in the role of the old wise guy… this is a really horrible thought.

Comfort in email communication

While I am at my business meeting, I try not to get too much distracted by this whole thing with her. And since it is developing quite positively, it does not have a negative impact on me. In fact, I am invigorated, quite active in the meeting, since I have this positive push from this developing relationship. I write to her everything that happened, it almost is as if she is here with me.

There is a danger in this e-mail-only relation: it may present a different image than reality. We only had met so briefly not even a week ago, and we are already in quite intensive exchanges. With email it is like with the old letter-pal method: people get access to each other in ways that during a normal conversation would not be possible: one can express themselves, and without distraction from external factors, the souls can speak to each other directly. But humans are not only souls… they have real-life needs and desires. And these are not so much covered in the emails. Danger is that one sees only that subset that is presented through the carefully worded emails – one may miss the real personality.

But for now I will not care for these fine considerations – I am very glad to be in regular email contact for now – we will meet more when she is back from her travel.

In good spirits

Later at night I got another email from her. She liked the way how I describe travel and experiences. That is a very positive response. In other topics, we are now quite comfortably discussing back and forth – this is quite something after just this short time! I am now very optimistic about the future outlook – this relation could actually work out!

In her mails she shows such a positive spirit, that really captures my heart. Honest, open, friendly, with humor, I am really taken. No mention of her boyfriend – he is probably already toast. And if not now, he will be. That is what I can feel in this developing relation now.

I am so glad that I am communication with this wonderful woman, just by email, but we are in touch.