The Story Goes On

I had decided to visit my wife, to discuss with her our future. We do live separated from each other by an ocean and a continent, so it takes a while of travel and results in a bit of jet lag. The first days of my visit it seemed good - maybe there is a chance for a common future afterall. But then the usual argumenting set in... and I felt to be in the same miserable situation in which we had be before our separation. So again, I do not know where the future goes... I hate to hurt her...

That pathetic "love" story in which I am, made me realise that I need to evaluate several paths in my (future) life, to see in which direction I should move. Since there was now email silence for a while, I felt I had to do something, to get out of that dead end. That is why I am exploring if there is a possible future with my wife, or if that path is not feasible.

However, this Friday morning, the dead end of that new "love" story of this blog suddenly had some light: SHE had sent me an email. Asking for some advice, but also mentioning that she misses my communication... and that I should not hesitate to reply. Of course she specifically mentioned that she just wants a friendship.

This renewal of our friendship again changes the situation. I had actually known it all along, that we two belong together. And I knew that she would "come back". She must have done that despite the objections of her partner/boyfriend... - that means our relation, even if it is "only" a friendship, is worth to her a possible argument with her boyfriend. He had made it clear that he is against this our friendship. But she contacted me, despite these his wishes. Also, she knew that I would visit my wife. Now, just at that time, she seemed to want to bring herself into memory again... to make sure that I do not forget about her. What other conclusion could I draw?

I replied of course, agreeing to the friendship path. And I promised not to behave "inappropriately".

So we are again on a path towards "togetherness". Not very intense, but everything is open and possible. I will try not to be so rushing, will try to remain on the ground of friendship, of discussions of interesting topics. We do have so much to talk, to write about. And she missed this our talking. This makes me so glad, fulfills me with deep joy.

I now have to be patient. Will see how it develops. We will keep emailing, maybe not every day, but there are so many things to write about... our interest in travel, in art, in music, history, culture, science, technology... there should be plenty of material to write a few joint books together!

And I will wait.

I do not feel bad or guilte regarding her relationship. If we two feel that we belong together, then that is just a natural thing. I cannot change my feelings for her, she cannot change her "interest" in me. And I cannot help that I do exist - if the only thing that would safe her relation with her current partner, would be my disappearance or suicid, then her existing relation to her partner really is not so strong, and is not worth to be continued. It is not my fault, not our fault that we fit together so well.

Ok, I still have to admit that this our "relation" is more the wish of a relation, the love that I feel for her may be more being in love with the idea of being in love with her. But that does not matter - that is how many love stories begin. There is now some hope. And our beginning relation is on a very solid basis, the fundament seems to be of hard concrete: no games, no pretenting. I told here openly my heart, which maybe was a mistake (never be honest to a woman!), but since she is "back", it seems that it did not hurt. She knows about me, about my feelings, and this will be in the background of all her decisions and actions. And she cannot deny that we do have so many shared interests, and also have a similar outlook onto world, relationship. In addition, I feel very strongly that her character and mine would be a perfect match. We have not been together very much... and much of what I believe to know is just an extrapolation, from her emails, reactions, and from those few short meetings we had. But I feel it is enough for me to judge that I am confident that we would enjoy a great relationship together.

I love her so much, and I am so glad that we at least do have a friendship, after all that trouble. She seems determined to have that friendship. We will have to see, if from her point of view it would convert into love too, or if she would remain in her relation with her partner and just keep a friendship with me going. I will not push, but I am optimistic that we do have a great future together.

Slowly simmering

It is Friday again. Another lonely weekend ahead. She will be with her partner, maybe happy, maybe argueing, what do I know.
I could not resist today to send her a brief greeting, with best wishes for the weekend. And she replied back, wishing the same to me. Was asking about my travel plans for next week that I had indicated earlier. So I replied again, briefly, mentioning my upcoming travel, and the next concert for which I have tickets. No reply after that from her.

Since she does have with her partner this strange relationship that only manifests on weekends - he is actually working in another city, one flight-hour away -, she is always alone during the week. But as the situation is, our relation is off. And I keep my distance, as she wished.

But I sent her my email last weekend that she read on Monday; and today again my mail - I place myself into her conscience, and she does not really refuse. I still see hope. She will now be with him, over the weekend. And she can compare her life with him with the virtual imaginary life that could be with me. She can imagine.

I believe that the time is now working for me. I just have to wait. But I am impatient, cannot wait. And what to do while waiting? The wait could be a few years... what a pathetic story that is...

And then, if I get too impatient and am in a relation with someone else, and then she would suddenly show up, declaring herself free and available - would I then just dump with whomever I am then? Probably not. I do have my limits, and I am in general a decent fellow. So that is not something I would consider doing.

These are the thoughts in my mind... I do not have any solution.

Soft Landing - Back in Reality

More than a week has passed since my return from travel. I waited with sending my email to her until a few days later. A good-bye email, long, with some explanations, countering what she said, but acecpting her decision.

Then, on this past weekend, I could not remain silent and sent her a mail describing the discrepancies in her behavior that I observed... explaining how I came to these misunderstandings. Monday her reply. She apologised for those "mixed messages" that she had sent. And I counter with an apology from my end, for my misunderstanding, for my inappropriateness. A smiley back from her. So this was a save landing back in reality.

The relationship has been straightened out. She is with her boyfriend / partner, is committed to him. I have no other choice than to accept this, and I do. Not willingly, not happily, but there is no other way.

But I am overall glad how I acted in this: it seemed pretty stupid, way too honest, with all my feelings pouring out... but in the end everything got straightened out: she knows now exactly what I think, how I feel. She knows that I am there, at least for a while. And we are in a positive tune. Silent for now, but no bridges have been burnt. She mentioned that at some time later we could resume again a friendship. I did not ask deeper, as again this would reveal that I misunderstood something..., but I kept the ambiguity, knowing that she meant just a true friendship while she still is with her partner, but me hoping that she meant it deeper. So now we are in silent agreement. I miss the communication with her terribly, but I am going on with my life. Very busy professionally, so I could devote a bit more energy there; have let things slide a bit in the past weeks... which is noticable in my performance and in the success of my projects - have to catch up a bit. But one thing I am quite sure: she misses the communication with me too. And it just depends, how much she will miss it, how much she will get satisfaction in her ongoing relationship for which she has opted. It must be really good for her... she seems quite convinced that she needs to stay in that relationship. But I know that she will eventually get her doubts. That hope lets me survive the coming weeks of silence. Now the time is working for me, I believe.

And if not, then to hell with the whole story. The world is full of gorgeous women. And eventually one will cross my path. Then there will be no opportunity for her remorse.

In her most recent emails now, after her return from the reconciling travel with her partner, she seemed very "soft spoken" in what she said, expressed. The choice of words very mild, as if she is sorry to have to say what she did. As if she was quite torn inside, but has made a choice that was not easy for her. And she surely felt sorry for me, as she replied.

Well, what a stupid story that is....

Over - and out.

Waiting for the light on my phone to blink orange, to indicate an incoming SMS. Which can only be from her - nobody else sends me SMS.
But when one came in today, it was only the announcement of the roaming as I enter a foreign country. The light keeps blinking green, no SMS.
Wednesday passes – she must have returned home from Egypt.
Thursday I send her a SMS. Nothing from her.
Friday I send again one.
Nothing.

The internet connection is horrible – I hardly can logon for a few seconds to the Wifi in the office where we have the meeting, then the connection breaks down again. Friday afternoon a brief logon, and the Google account shows that an email from her has arrived. Endless minutes waiting for the Google login and download. We just have come back from the lunch break, and are reassembling the meeting, I am feverish watching the slow progress of the login procedure. Finally, her email is there, titled "Good-bye".

It is as expected.
She agreed with me that it is best to stop now communicating.
And of course, she is right. She got now all my emails. And decided to reply, not just remaining silent after her return from Egypt.

I accept her decision, I will not use "foul play" to get rid of her boyfriend, no dirty tricks on my behalf. She has the right to decide, and she did this. There is obviously a lot that she cherishes in her relation with him, and that is important for her. And so I will step back, as her happiness is obviously linked to her being with him.

I am of course devastated. During the remaining meeting I hardly can hold back my tears. Put my sun glasses on, just in case my reddish eyes can be seen. Together with the people at the meeting, then with my colleage from work who has accompanied me to this travel. No time for reflection.

It is over.
I will wait with my reply to her. I will first enjoy the sights of this town that I am visiting. Saturday and Sunday I will do sightseeing, walking around, taking pictures.

Then on Sunday night, after my return home, I will write an email to her. This will be my last concluding email. Then I will move on. I will meet with another nice woman this week for lunch. Maybe there is a possible relationship.
I will initiate the divorce from my wife.

I will use my freedom in my life to enjoy it to the fullest. Since I never had one-night stands, only those horrible "serious" long-lasting relationships, I will try those now. Have to watch out for diseases though ...

But I will not look back. She shall go to hell with her boyfriend in her relationship-hell ... as she will eventually realise what a moron he is. And I will be gone then.

I will try to eradicate all my feelings for her, although this will be hard.
There is just no other woman like her. No other woman with whom I could imagine spending a life together. She will eventually realise this, this is my small hope. But then it will be too late, and my heart will have turned into an ice-cold stone.

I will not commit suicide. Instead, I will compose a music piece about this. I hope that eventually an orchestra will play this piece live, and she will listen to it. Then she will realise what was lost, what we could have had.

After 10 weeks, this story ends. I will try to live my life as I did before I met her. It will not be the same. I am in love with her, and that will stay so for a long while. I had this situation already several times ... with one woman I was in love for 6 years, in vain, nothing ever happened, but she had refused my attempts, and I just had stayed in love .... I know that situation. Another time I had stayed in love – with interruptions – for a time period of 22 years. And never got anything from that love. Quite pathetic, my love life. I want to hang myself.

But I will stay alife.

If anything should happen, if anything should change with the course of this story, I will let you, the readers of this blog, know. For now, thanks for "tuning in" into this pathetic attempt of a love relation. I am quite embarrassed for having made a big fool of myself... but I could not act differently than I did. That is how I am – I cannot change it.

I am in love with her. But I will live on, will move on.

Again travelling

And today I am getting ready for another travel. Will return Sunday night. By then the "situation" will be a lot clearer, I hope.

She will return from her current travel from Egypt today, as I am flying out. Then she will read my emails, my flames, my travel reports, my SMSs on her phone once it is topped up again. Then she has to reply. A decision has to be made, by her. I only can wait and accept this decision.

And if the decision is to stay with her boyfriend, then I will jump without recorse into the night life of the city I am visiting now. Maybe there too will be some attractive female participants in those meetings I will attend; if so, then I will try my very best (which unfortunately is not that good...). I am ready for a couple of one-night stands now.

But if she decides to separate from him, then I will behave like one should behave who is in love. Then I cannot wait to return to the town where I live, to meet her, mabe move together with her. A little more than a week ago, that had suddenly become a real possibility. And I am willing to dare this.