Contradictory hints

Once again on travel. I only had a short night sleep before my plane left. I would be the whole day on travel, several planes, several airports.

At each stop, I used my laptop to access my email. No reply from her. I really must have pissed her off with my last email, too intrusive, too long, too overwhelming.

I have to wait – cannot send any more emails before she has replied to the previous ones – would make me look like an obnoxious idiot. But I am determined that when she replies, I will continue. This time I will not make the same mistake that I did 5 years ago, when I hesitated and left many good opportunities past, only to look like a looser later when I tried to catch up. This time I will not loose any time, any opportunity. If there is an opportunity.

There is unexpected support: an old flame of my youth has contacted me by email, now with relationship problems of her own. We are actually quite close to each other, have been good friends since a while. I give her some insight into the male perspective of relationships (with the disclaimer that I may not be the typical average, and may be a bit weird in these matters), and she would give me some insight into the female aspects. Now with such a support, I cannot go wrong.

It is during these flight breaks that I decide to keep this story in this blog, and make it public as it develops. So from now on the updates will be closer to live. I am curious myself how this is going to develop.

Finally, just before my last flight leg – it is already evening – a reply from her. She apologizes (this is good – that means she feels somewhat guilty), and I get into an ecstatic mood! This is great, so I did not screw up with my last email! A next level of communication has been reached. There must be a theory of those levels – one cannot just jump over the levels, but must slowly move from one to another. That creates a solid basis for the relationship. Well, a theory would be nice, but one just feels that with common sense: one cannot be too intrusive, too pushy, to open – that will repel the other side.

I send her a description of my travel, although there was nothing really interesting yet. In her last email, she mentioned “no man around” when it was about some troubles with her car. But she also mentioned “we” as she discussed some earlier issues, implying that she and her boyfriend were involved in it jointly.

So I am confused: is the bf there only for doing some chores? Or is it serious? It would be inappropriate to ask this now, so I just have to continue on the current level.

Establishing status

Back at work on Monday, an email reply came from her in the morning. Made me feel very good – so she does not yet refuse the communication with me. She just does not check her work email over the weekend, as I suspected. Offered an invitation to dinner with friends sometime – I could bring my partner / wife. Ok, that was her way of asking me about my status. I replied honestly: "married but separated". Now how could I phrase an innocent question about her status? I asked if there would be more guests to the dinner. She replied: “only my boyfriend”.

I knew it! Such a beautiful gorgeous woman could not have been without another man. So what do now? Give up? Well, she obviously is interested to make my acquaintance, otherwise there would be no dinner invitation. Ok, I have nothing to loose. If I would give up now, that would result in the same as if I would continue and later be thrown in the gutter, so what is the difference… and maybe there is a chance that she dumps the boyfriend. Afterall, he does not seem to be her fiancée.

What is it with me when I am in love? My blood pressure is higher, my cheeks are red, I run around aimlessly, cannot concentrate on my work. Are other men the same? I don’t think so – they make all a relative quiet impression. But I act like a gorgeous idiot when I am in love. And I hate that! But I cannot change it. Now I have to go through with it. Until the bitter end. I can already see that this will end in disaster, but I will go for it and will keep trying.

Well, at the end of Monday I had already gotten 7 emails from her – I was really glad about each single one of them. There seemed to be a lot of things to say, although it was just simple chat; one bad thing is that I will be on travel the next few days, so no opportunity to go for a brief meeting, as we discussed may be nice. Then just before I return, she leaves for more than a week. That means the earliest we can meet is in more than 2 weeks – what a shame! Something is supposed to start, and we cannot even meet. And I will have to run around with my feverish face for two weeks from now, without any certainty of failure or hope.

One good thing is that this love thing tickles my musical inspiration. I already decided to write a music piece for her, about her. And when I sat at my keyboard, playing a few improvisations, they sounded quite new and with a fresh impulse.

Before I left in the evening, I sent her an email. This one had gotten a bit longer; nothing personal, but just replying to comments and expanding on them. Maybe the mail was too long? Did I once again appear as too pushy? No reply from her – I still checked the inbox far after midnight.

A lonely weekend

The past weekend had lots of time for reflection. And I realized that a horrible time would be ahead. Again the same story, as I had it already so many times. I in love, trying to win the woman. Again the heart pumping, the excitement, the insecurity, the fear of doing things wrong, the failed tries. I do not even have to go through this story to see how it would end: in utter despair. I see very clearly the next weeks / months / years in front of me, and I know that I am doomed. I am in love again, without any real hope. Just left alone with my feelings. I feel quite helpless. How can I just get rid of these feelings? Do I want now a relationship? Do I need this now? I have a lot of work to do, get established after my moving.

No email reply from her over the whole weekend. Well, maybe she does not read her work emails at home. I do not have her personal email address. So I start searching the web for her name. I find her home page, her CV, and a few pictures of her with friends. There is one guy who is on several pictures with her, they are hugging. Must be her boyfriend. But the pictures are one year old – are they still together? There was no ring on her finger…

Her personal web page is not very elaborate, but is made with a sense for beauty. She has a few pictures of herself, gesturing, romantically embracing the world. Beautiful. And on each of the pictures, a different facet of her is seen: the professional woman, the romantic country girl, the innocent beauty, the party-girl with some sparkling thoughts. I am just taken by her. And knowing how she looks and behaves and speaks in real life, adds of course to the pictures a real dimension. I really want to be with her. I also find out that she is significantly younger than me. Suddenly I feel quite old, a notion that I never had before.

Thinking of my situation, I get more and more upset. I do have strong feelings for her, but I do not know her at all. I probably am again projecting my inner dream picture onto her, and take it for reality instead of the real person. I hardly met her! But the feelings are there, I cannot change that but I have to live with it for a while. I am quite upset about myself – this situation is of no use, and it will bother me in my regular life. I either have the choice of pursuing her and getting rejected, or just give up right now. And in both ways, I will still long for her and suffer this typical love-in-vain syndrome, like the last 5 years, and many years before that too. I know the routine already. That makes it so bad. That makes me wanting to give up right away.

A weekend in sad reflection. Waiting for her reply, which either will never come, or on Monday. I hop in the car and drive around on Saturday, to explore a bit the surroundings of the town.

How I fell in love

It happened this past Friday.

A few years ago I met a guy at a business event. Now that I have moved to the same town as he does, I decide to pay him a visit and have a meeting with his staff, to discuss a few ideas on information exchange and collaboration. I had prepared a brief talk, and his staff was invited to attend. And there she was. Immediately I noticed her, and my heart rate began to rise. Long wavy brownish-reddish hair, a very thin figure, smart casual elegance. And a beautiful face with an open, curious, friendly look. That was it. The spark flew immediately, and ignited the dry wood that had been there for so long. Her face seemed to light up slightly, as we made eye contact. I kept a professional appearance, gave my talk, tried not to speak only to her but to all other attendees. Later I had the opportunity to speak to her directly, about her own work. So I sat next to her in her cubicle, listening to her as she explained the details about her current work. We were not alone, another friend stood by, interestingly following what she told. No ring was on her finger, a good sign. Finally a beautiful woman who is not engaged or married!

She was then supposed to show me the way out. She seemed to be eager to do this, and seemed slightly disappointed when another guy wanted to show me his work too. So I said good-bye to her. A friendly handshake, and then I stood at the other guy’s cubicle, opposite of her. The top of her head was still visible, and sometimes were her eyes, as she kept working on her computer. I glanced over to them, while pretending to listen what the guy had to say. Could not concentrate a bit, and did not understand a word he was saying. But I kept nodding, as he went on talking about his project. Then he led me out. I turned around to her, waving her good-bye. She waved back, smiling.

Back in my own office, I knew I had to stay in touch with her, get to know her. There was something in her appearance, attitude, that stroke me hard. I could not pinpoint what it was, but there was such a strong resonance in me. She reminded me a little of another woman with whom I had fallen in love more than 5 years ago, but who was married and had never given me a chance. In fact, I still was in love with that woman, for reasons beyond reason. Now there seemed to be a cure for that ill-fated love: a fresh new love. I knew her name, it was easy to get her email address from the web. So I sent her a quick professional acknowledgement of our visit, thanking her for the time she spent during my visit.

It is always difficult for me to choose a suitable “first move”. What is appropriate, what is too pushy, what is too whimsical? Here in this situation, the story was basically presented on a silver platter, with enough opportunity to appear professional in establishing contact, and without appearing out of place.

Her reply came 5 minutes later. I did not even have to look at the computer screen to realize that the beep from the incoming mail must be her email in the Inbox. Never sounded the Outlook beep so sweet! She offered her help, in case I had questions about the town to which I had moved a while ago, and I accepted her offer in my next reply mail 10 minutes later, telling her about the area in which I lived. In her reply after 10 minutes she indicated where she was living.

This was a good start. I sensed an interest in her to be acquainted with me, and that made me quite happy. I could not tell why it was that my feelings for her were so strong. Her looks? Her voice? What she said? I did not know her at all, but immediately was taken. Trying to express this in technical terms: I act in love matters like a dynamic system with a very thin resonance peak. I see many women, pretty, intelligent. I am attracted, but do not fall in love with them. No resonance, unless one hits at exactly the right frequency. Then the resonance goes wild. This must have happened here.

Later at home I sent her another email, with two pictures from our living areas. This time there was no reply. She must have gone home too, and must have no email access at home. So I had a lonely weekend ahead of me, in which I could sort out my thoughts and feelings.

Starting this Blog

I am a real person. I live on this planet, and I am a man. I am used to the internet, and I am quite well versed in using its potential. But I am also a human, with feelings and natural needs that every human man has.

Since my youth, from age 15, I wrote into a diary, keeping there my thoughts and inner feelings and experiences. This diary helped me to overcome many difficulties that I had in life, and it is now a great repository of my youth and of becoming an adult – in it are some answers to the questions on how I became the way I am, and what I am now.

The modern method of blogging allows such a diary to be placed in public, in the open view for everyone to see, but still remaining anonymous. I have started a blog a while ago, describing some events that I attend, some travel that I do, and some personal opinions. It is a public open – and non-anonymous manifestation of my public life, opened in the blog for anyone to see, to follow, and to dig into.

But I have resisted to opening myself in that public stage too much – after all, in that blog, I placed my name, my affiliation, and everything that is general public knowledge, and I did not want my inner world to be put on a public display.

However, as I kept thinking, it came into my mind that it might be actually an interesting experiment to publish inner thoughts of a human, which are usually kept private, into the open, for others to follow, to analyze, to discuss, and maybe to learn something about human nature and apply it to their own lives. It is of great pleasure and use for many people to read the diaries of others (once they are dead) – they reveal individual perspectives that can serve as piecing together the puzzle of human nature.

Lately, it happened once again that I fell in love. It happened just a few days ago, so I am still not quite sure what is actually going on. I see this now as a very good opportunity to start such a blog, focusing solely on the development of this love story. Since I would have written this stuff anyway, in my personal diary, it is not too much additional work for me. Writing this into a diary clears my mind a bit, allows me to bring order into events, to see through them, and to put things into perspective. Writing a diary has helped me a lot in the past – without my diary I would not have been able to face and overcome so many of my own inadequacies.

I am not trying to be an exhibitionist of my inner self – but I want to help others who are in a similar situation, by giving them an insight into the situation of someone else.

I am posting this here anonymously - please do not try to find out my identity. It is probably not difficult to find out who I am, but I would like to ask you to respect this my privacy. The reason why I post this story here is because I want to provide some insight into a human psyche, but I do not want to be identified by name.

So just read on as the story will develop.