A Dream

Strange dream tonight. At a technical meeting with other professionals. She was there too, with colleagues from her work. We all decided to go to the mountains on weekend, for hiking. Great weather there, blue sky. Steep slopes. We walk up very high, Rocky surroundings, a huge almost vertical rock wall ahead. Impossible to go up. Several cable cars are available and provide a lift. But we decide to return. Snow is everwhere, skiers are on those steep slopes. I do not talk at all to her, she is simply present. After our return to the hotel, she goes out with her colleagues, and I decide not to join her.

Does that dream mean something? Probably not...

My Marriage

So here I am, following some advice I got, to consider my existing relationship, my marriage, as something that could be saved, that could provide some happiness in my life. I try hard. Since several days I am visiting my wife.

Almost one year ago was when we separated. I got a new jod, and she decided to stay behind. She did not respect my new job, did not like the environment and surroundings where we would live.

And I enjoyed the time without here, I did not miss her a bit. We have been married since more than 15 years. No children. In the beginning there was love, affection. Then it went away, in the daily routine of everyday life. Since many years, it was just as if we are two people living together.

Many things about here make me upset, but I kept my mouth shut. That is probably a mistake. But that is what seemed to keep this "relation" alive: me just silently bearing everything without complaints. She covers that part very well, sarcastic complaints about everything.

She keeps talking, no matter if I am interested or not. I keep quiet. I help her returning things to the mall which she bought. She brings back about 90% of the purchases. I do have some ethical concerns here... but when I mentioned them, I just get brushed off. I once mentioned that it might not be so nice to borrow more than 60 books from the library at once... but only angry replies from her.

I just canot stand her anymore! Do I have to, just because I gave that promise once, many many years ago?

I do not feel any love for her, but I do have a certain commitment. And that is another thing that makes me paralysed. I cannot move on from here...

Relationship without love, and love without relationship. Really pathetic.

I have decided to visit here, to assess our situation, and to talk to her. So far, I have only done the first part. There is still a week left, to honestly talk to her. She now wants to be together with me, but I do not want to be with her. "In good times and in bad times"... so far we actually were luck enough to have only good times. It would have been only normal for her to move with me, but no, she stayed behind. Out of convenience concerns.

I completely feel detached from her, no affection, nothing.
Marriage-prison.

If I would be in love with her, I would have not fallen in love with anyone else....

And so it goes on, my pathetic life. Will I have the courage to change it?
The first step would be to separate from my wife, legally and finally. Then I would be really free, at least in that dimension. Then I could consider what to do regarding my "love". Actually, I am so sick of this love... it is not productive, it paralyses me, it is good for nothing, gives no pleasure, just pain.

No, I really had enough of relationshippy stuff...

bummer

So what am I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do?
After that wonderful meeting 2 weeks ago, - nothing.
I thought that is was clear that she liked me... the shy tender hugs, even in public, in front of the Cafe...
Ok, I must have again misunderstood something....

No meeting since then. I wanted to help her with some things at her work, but she declined. I hesitated to call her... but I sent SMS. She acted surprised... referred to our agreement that SMS are only for relationships... ok, I get it.

And then, just this Friday, her email that she will soon celebrate her 2nd anniversary with her partner, and they will go on a very romantic trip.

Ok, there is nothing more clear than that. Only a blind idiot (like me, for example) could still find a grain of hope in that...

I did not reply to that email. Nor do I intend to. I will just leave it unanswered. And I will look for something / somebody else.

There is just this tiny little problem: that I am crazy in love with her. No other woman even comes close. Sure, I look, keep the eyes open. I see many women, pretty ones, smart ones, sexy ones, modest ones, every one unique and beautiful in her own way. But I cannot bring myself to develop any feeling for any of them... as long as I am still in love. So I am paralysed here, stuck in that place.

In a love without a relationship. And in a relationship without love (my marriage). I am really stuck.

The 2nd "real" meeting

I knew it would eventually happen. But I had not thought it would happen so soon... She had just returned from the stay with her partner. Back in town, she had read my emails, and replied. We had decided to keep our friendship, but exclude talking about relationship. Fine with me.

As I leave my office building in the evening, I see her walking down the street. First I was not sure if it is really her - the coincidence would have been quite something; and since I have seen her so rarely, I do not yet have the picture of "her walking in the street" in my visual memory. But she works just a few blocks away... and yes, it is her, the beautiful long hair, the straight slender body, the tastefully chic clothes. She passes by on the street just as I wal down the stairs on the opposite site. I cross the street towards her. She is surprised. But positively. She immediately moves towards me, and - we briefly hug. Initiative here from her - I actually was confused on what to do...

She is not allowed to see me, as she tells me, but she is clearly happy that we met. She suggests that we could go for a coffee. So we walk to the town center, where people sit out in street cafes, enjoying the warm summer evening sun. We find an empty table, order our coffee, and just talk. I hear about her Egypt trip. About her trouble at work. I tell about my travels. We do not mention any relationship issues...

So nice to talking to her, to sit across her, to look into each other's face and smile. A friend of her stops by. Now she cannot keep it a secret that we met - the friend also knows her partner. I feel sorry for having again brought her into this situation - it was not deliberate...

When we leave, we again hug briefly. She seemed just to wait for a hug, no resistance at all, even in front of all the people in the cafe. I would have hugged her longer... but my respect for her situation stopped me from kissing her.

A memorable evening. I am already thinking what negative consequences it will have this time. Last time there was the almost break-up with her partner, and the disaster then the day after. How will it continue this time?

I am tired of making conclusions from her behavior... but it is clear that she feels something for me. I will see ...

In a week I have another chance to talk to my wife. Maybe, if this story here is finally set to be on the right track, I can scrape together all my hope and courage, and tell her about this story. So far, most of this has been in my mind. If it now becomes a concrete reality, then there is finally something to show, some alternative to my ever-present sadness.

Nothing new

So I am back from the visit at my wife. I had initially gone, with the intent to discuss our relationship. I wanted to be honest - I had not yet told her about my feelings for that other wonam... so I wanted to do that. But then I had doubts: since this "love story" was going nowhere, and since not more than a simple friendship was at the horizon, should I then really tell my wife about it? We were separated for many months... and I have gotten used to that and even liked being more independent. But now, being for a few days with her, some of the old demons came back. So there were actually two things: one that I did not feel this new desired relationship was worth to tell about - if it had been progressed further, if at least I had given / received a kiss once, then there would be something to "confess". But nothing had happened... all was just in the mind. And there was another reason: I just did not want to hurt my wife. We had been together for many years. And I am just not the person to tell someone sonething that may hort that person.

So we did not talk about our relationship. It was just about general business, living, moving. etc. And now, since I am back again, I regret my silence. This is so typical for my pathetic life... I am always too quiet. Well, I had not been quiet with HER... here I somehow immediately overcame my minhibitions, my shyness. But with my wife, I just cannot be honest. Why is that? This is just another indicator that my marriage is not functioning. I shoud be easily be able to tell my wife everything... but I am not.

No emails anmyore from HER. She again is with her partner in that other town where he works... she will spend a week there. And that is the other pathetic part of my life: I am in love with someone who is in a deep relation. Here I could be honest, here I feel so much closer... but we are so much further apart...

I have no idea how to progress in my life from here. I could wait... wait until her relation has dissolved, as I expect it will happen. Or I could move together with my wife... try one more time to salvage this relationship. Although I know I will be unhappy.... but that still would be a decent thing to do. But would it really be a servise to my wife if I moved again together with her, knowing that I did not love her anymore?

I should have talked with her about this... should have overcome my cowardness... Well, there is another opportunity in a few weeks.

And meanwhile, how will I proceed with HER? I will wait for her next email, next week... There is nothing else that I can do. Maybe she now separates from him... then it would at least be clear in which direction I will move. But the odds are that she may not separate from him... and I am not sure what she has in mind for my role in her life. Just an affair? I am not sure if that is what I want.... on the other hand, why not?